Depression: What Was I Doing?

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The one thing is worrying me currently even on my anti-depressants is an old issue when I was in my full depression of forgetting things totally just after doing them or forgetting things totally. It is a bit off putting in so much I have to constantly check if I have done something and worse for things which I do everyday such things as clocking in at work.

Though this my bit off putting but at least is not as bad as when I was deep in my depression as I constantly forgot things or wasted a lots of time worry I had forgotten something which most of the time either was not real or totally unimportant in the first place.

It certainly made my life interesting as I was never sure if I had done anything or missed something which always increased my anxiety and made the depression worse. Plus it also made my life more difficult as constantly forgetting things made if difficult to function as human being or even cope with everyday life.

This has got better as I learnt to control my depression to a point that it now only occurs when something occurs too regularly or I get stressed as I have been recently. It may still be a worrying thing at times but at least it is now an annoyance rather than barrier to myself functioning effectively.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: A World From Behind a Wall!

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The one thing I have started to realise as I finally started to control and live with my depression is that now I am starting to finally have real opinions about life, world around me and even political views. This is something which for most of my life because of my depression I never really had or could develop because of lack of confidence and self belief in myself.

Much as depression is described as a wall most of my life the same wall blinded me to the world around me and stopped me forming opinions even political ones. Add to this the fact that living in fear of life itself I would not stick out my neck and actually have opinions of my own always opting for the easy way out and following.

Only now can I form real opinions, including Political opinions, as now I feel confident and strong enough to back them up as I start to believe in myself for the first time I a long while. It may of taken a long time to come because of the depression but I am finally maturing and growing a person something which should of happened in my early years but not too late.

Finally as the depression is being controlled in my life I am starting to become the person I should of always been with my own opinions of life, the world and politics. It is a very nice place to be even if some of my opinions are at variance to others even offensive but that is way of such things we cannot all agree as the world would be such a boring place if we did.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: Leaning Not to Live in Fear

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As I came out of my depression one thing I noticed is that I do not live in fear any more especially of life itself even dying. All the time I was at my height of my depression, which was decades, I lived in constant fear of everything from dying, what people thought of me to even changes of life which made life very difficult for me.

It had become something which dominated my life totally and meant I never really lived as such just existed and go through the motions of life. Then I would not even write this journal as I would of been to afraid of what people would think about it and not able to take any criticism because of it.

One thing I that has come out of me controlling depression is the fact that I do not live in fear of life any more which means I can finally live my life how I want not how others think I should.

Though one thing has come out of this I am still surrounded by people who are still living in fear of life not necessarily due to depression as their actions indicate that is they are always angry, aggressive or even not wanting to understand people just in case they show weakness hence fear. It also highlights the detrimental effect living in fear does to the people around you as it ends up hurting and frustrating people as I see now I see it from the other side.

All in all after I stopped living in fear I have started to enjoy life more and stop worrying about things which I have little real control over though it does not stop me commenting when things are wrong in my view.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: Getting Know Yourself!

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The one thing that comes out with myself suffering depression is the fact that you get very good at thinking about yourself and the way you think especially when I came out of my depression.

Though I have always been a thinker about things and life in general though I still missed the more subtle effects of depression that is the feelings of always missing things and constant anger as I always thought they were perfectly normal feelings.

But as I started to get out of my depression I started to understand that these were not normal thoughts and the result of my depression along with other feelings and thoughts. As I came out of my depression I started to learn more about myself and accept who I am including my strengths and failings.

In the end I have got to know myself much better now and most definitely happier with myself even with my failings and short comings. I still miss sometimes the depression effects but at least now I can fight back.

Finally even with my failings I do like myself something I never could do when I was suffering my depression!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: The Forgotten Physical Effects!

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Every time I get back on the anti-depressants I remember the physical effects of my depression on myself as not only my obsessive thoughts go but also a lot of physical ache and pains go away at the same time.

I think this is one of the things most people who have never depression never really understand are the physical effects of depression and other people put it down to the person in question moaning about something again.

But I and everyone else should not be surprised by the physical effects of depression after all always being in a dark place your body reacts to it by always being prepared to run and hide from the dark things. This is never a good thing for your body as it never relaxes and constantly flooded with less than healthy chemicals.

In the end it is always first thing I notice when I go back on the anti-depressants is the fact the ache and pains go though I do sleep a lot at first as my body recovers from constant wash of unhealthy chemicals.

Though I still have ache and pains but that just due to growing older and things happened in the past so perfectly normal and relief from the constant ache and pains because of the depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: Quiet After the Storm!

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Once I start my anti-depressives again after a break I always feel very calm even empty headed as my mind is so quiet inside. It is a strange feeling which always a bit off putting especially when I have been through a particularly difficult time with my depression as I have been through over the past month.

At least now without the clutter of the obsessive and negative thoughts within my mind I can relax and allow back the real thoughts of things I need to do plus those creative thoughts which have been suppressed by the dark thoughts.

I will get used to the quiet mind again and once again start to live my life free from worry and regard problems as things to be solved not to be feared.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Depression: Always Feels Like a Defeat!

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When I go back onto the anti-depressants it always feels like the defeat and the depression has won but in my case it does mean I can live a normal life. That is I am free from the constant obsessive thoughts over trivial things and not constantly angry about small things which occur to everyone every day.

As every time I have talking therapy it takes very little for me to get back to what people would call normal functioning person as long as I stay on the anti-depressants it has started to make me wonder if the whole issue of my depression has a major physical component to it. It has always stuck me that I have a real physical fault within my brain and it’s associated organs.

I have always wondered if there are other people out there have the same thoughts and experiences as myself that is therapies never work as such but by simply taking anti-depressants seam to alleviate large amount of the depression and the worse of its symptoms. I must not only be only one out there who must have had the same experience.

But I looks like I may have to continue to take some form of anti-depressants for the rest of my life along with the constant nagging thought of the feeling with defeat and depression has won though the fact that I can function is a worthwhile price to pay.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

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