Feeling Lost in Life!

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It is being one of those weeks when my depression makes me feel like I am lost in a life which is going nowhere and powerless to do anything about it.

It sounds like I am using my depression as an excuse to not do anything about my life but those people who suffer depression will know that it is one of the major effects of depression in so much it almost robs you of the ability to change your life. All caused by constant tiredness and listlessnesses caused by the physical side effects of the depression itself.

It is always hard work for me to do anything or change anything in my life as I have to constantly fight myself and trendily for me to leave things as they are especially when life is comfortable as it is at the moment even if there are money problems currently.

So if it sounds like I am just using my depression as excuse it is currently the process of myself trying to convince myself to do something about my life but currently I am at a loss how I can move my life forward as I feel abandoned as I cannot get any real help with the process!

Though saying this last year has not been a total loss as I have slowly moved forward with myself doing a lot of things on my computers including a web site, blogs and small social web site. Add to this I have finally gained the confidence in my own writing especially on my blogs.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

My Only Connection!

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At the moment my various journals feel like my only connection to the world around me which is all to do with the debilitating effect of my depression which effects the way I connect with the world around me.

My depression currently robs me of the inclination of actually leaving the house or doing anything outside of the house other than work and shopping. It has made be so self-sufficient that I really do not need people or social contact or so I think.

But anyone who knows me especially through my journals will know this is far from the truth as I like everyone else need people and social contact especially to keep my depression at bay and simply because I am human being which is a social animal.

But at least I have a partner and dogs here so not totally a bad situation to be in but inside my head my current situation is very frustrating as I have been saying I will do something a hobby but each time my mind find an excuse not to do it or always says do it tomorrow and never does it.

As always it ends up a battle between myself and my own mind to get me to do something different which I know I can win after all in the last year I have been blogging something which I would of never done some 5 years now.

So in the end I know I can win but it has always been a difficult battle!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Living in the Shadows of the Insecure!

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After most of my life of people around me treating me as stupid because I do not sound intelligent, socially inept and can be a bit strange at times, I am sort of getting fed up of it!

No one outside of my friends actually believe I can mess around with computers and software plus have the wherefore all to actually research the knowledge I need to do things. I always get the feeling from some people around me they are simply humouring me when I talk about what I do on my computers at home. I also get the same feeling when I point out what I have done in the past that is been a computer programmer even that I have degree in Physics and Astrophysics.

I suspect a lot of the feeling I get are due to my insecurity caused by my depression but I also suspect a lot of what I am encountering is due to the insecurity of the people around me as much as I found during my school days people are still intimidated by anyone who shows a modicum of intelligence, flare and imagination.

Over the years this is one thing which really has not changed in our society here in the United Kingdom as it strikes me our society as a whole seams to have issue with people who have real intelligence, flare even imagination. It has always been highlighted in our press here which takes great pleasure to knocking people who have shown such traits.

In the end for people like myself it has always been an issue as it has always caused issues with my self-confidence, self-image and caused insecurity in myself and people wonder why in the end people like myself end up angry, frustrated and disillusioned with the world around them.

Just lucky now I am doing something about my depression as I may still get fed up of the situation every few while but now I can fight my feelings of insecurity and remember it is not my own insecurity causing my issues but those around me who are simply afraid of anything and anyone different.

In the end it is a sad reflection of the world we have created for ourselves!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Depression: Bringer of Emptiness!

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As always my depression has been working it’s devious ways on me over the last few weeks in so much it has made me constantly tired, irritable and worst of all made me feel empty inside. This is even when I am on the anti-depressants but at least it is not the deeper downs I used to get when I was not on them.

But it has meant over the last few weeks I have been very quiet generally and not exactly very sociable or even wanting any real human contact other than shallow everyday sort of interactions. On top of which it knocks my creative side for six to a point I feel empty and desolate inside.

It makes makes feel empty inside in the end as I in the end my life feels like it is pointless and not worth it. This in itself is a very destructive thought which I have to fight once it arrives in my head.

But at least now I know these phases of my depression are only temporary even if they last months they will eventually disappear especially when I start to ignore theses negative feelings. One day soon I will wake up and be creative and full of life again and these difficult days will be forgotten again.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

In the End!

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In the end I am starting the question if my current job is worth its negative effect on my depression caused by a very negative environment at work caused by those who put the company first before both customers and employees.

And the answer is getting more and more towards no as in the end my own health both physical and mental is more important than any job as another job can always be found and I only one life.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Battling My Depression Yet Again!

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At the moment I am both battling my depression and those around me who want to drag me down with their trivial lives and opinions which is eating into my time and my creativeness. Though this time it not frustrating as much as it would in the past which in itself is a step forward.

Unlike last time I am battling through it writing just more slowly but I am not allowing it to stop me totally as it did before. It is hard work but something I have to do if I want to progress in my battle against my depression and to learn to be creative without my depression.

So once again I am fighting the good battle and for my future!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Depression: The Robber Who Takes the Person Inside!

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I went to a therapy session yesterday to do with my depression and it’s cure which got me thinking of the effect the depression has had on me!

In so much it has robbed me of my personal opinions including political and social opinions as at the height of my depression I would state an opinion but could not back it up with consistent argument or allowed people to talk me out of my opinions. This has occurred since my 20s so for a large majority of my life I have had no real personal, social or political views of my own basically I was not a real person as I lacked something everyone else has.

This has only become very apparent this time I am fighting my depression which finally got me thinking about things including politics and society in general and finally start to form opinions of my own and to back them up with consistent argument and strength of character to be true to the opinions.

This is revaluation personally as I start to feel I am real whole person its highlights just how the depression had robbed me of the person inside me. It does feel that the depression had robbed me of myself but now I am coming out of my depression it is finally nice to start to become the person I want to be not the person the depression wanted me to become.

Strangely I am not resentful about the fact the depression had robbed me of my life but I am more thankful that coming out of my depression I am becoming the person I always wanted to be even if it is some 30 years later than most people!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

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