It has been a life changing week for me though I am not surprised by this as I knew it was coming for over a month. Two days ago I had the results of the Biopsy on the tumour which was taken out of me around a month ago.

It was what the surgeon said in the first place it was a GIST on my small intestine but it was bigger than expected some 6 inches long and big enough to take up a significant part of my abdomen. It now explains why in the last two years I have had constant issues with my stomach including pains and digestion problems which strangely gone away since it has been gone.

The life changing thing about this whole situation there is a 90% chance that it will return even that it has all been removed from myself so I have to look forward too a life punctuated with visits to the hospital and living with a cancer. Though this sounds really bad the good point is the treatment of the cancer is easier than most and it is not a fatal cancer as such.

But you can imagine that the my situation hit home big time yesterday as the fact I now have to live with the fact I have to live with a cancer for the rest of my life. This prospect initially scared me and made me feel that someone had pulled the rug from under me to a point I was very tearful yesterday.

It is one of those times I need to dig deep within myself as the form of cancer I have may be a pain and mean I may have to change some aspects of my life but it will not mean I have to give up living to it. I can still make plans for the future and continue to grow as a person strangely it may even help me with this as it highlights the fact we need to live everyday.

As I cannot do anything about what has happened and it was not responsible for it there is not real point worrying about it and not to allow it dominate my life so much that I forget I can still live a normal life and I will still enjoy many years to come before I leave this mortal coil.

I know in the years to come I will go through big downs because of the cancer’s effects but I know I can survive such downs because I have had to live through them in the past because of my depression and each down will make me stronger. I also know there will be big ups in years to come which there will be more of as not all my time will be taken up fighting the Cancer.

So at the moment I am thinking about my future and how to tell some people close to me that I have Cancer as some will not take it well and they will look at the dark side of my position something I do not need at the moment as I am still accepting it. Plus I need to get help with coping with my current situation from external groups so I have support through the bad patches.

I know I am not first person or will be last person to go through this but I know I should use it to push myself to finally change my life for the better. That is build something good out of something which could be bad and gain a more positive view of my life as a whole.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

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Definitely getting better as now I can eat more substantial food with less issues with my stomach and intestines tough my operation wound still remind me every few while with twinges. Add to this I can walk places easier than a week ago.

Though at the moment there are those around me who still have far too negative view of my recovery which really does not help me at the moment. I know they are being cautious but they are not giving me the benefit of the doubt something which is a little upsetting to me.

As I know how my own recovery is going as I have interment knowledge of my body and can feel it working fine or not especially the workings of my stomach and intestines currently. I know when I have pushed it and when to push it. I will know full well if things are really going wrong and know when I would need to go to the doctors.

I know they are worried but I need space and listened to when I say I will not do something as it feels like I am being treated as a child which is a bit dehumanising and makes me feel like I have no control over my situation.

In the end I know what I have been through is a big life changing thing and I am realistic to know that there is possibility it may not be over after one operation even though there is currently a very small chance of this happening. I have my eyes open to the seriousness of what I have been through and people should allow me to deal with this situation my way.

I also know if things go wrong I will need the support of those around me but I do not need to be wrapped up in cotton wool and allowed to cope with it in my own way.

This really sounds like a negative journal entry but it is something I need to say to keep myself sane and in control of what is happening to me.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Another quiet day recovering slowly from the operation during which I am eating through the day all in the effort to get my apatite up and running again. A process which is going slower than I want as I want to start eating properly again as I miss the more tasty foods like Indian and Chinese even Pizza.

But I have to be careful as I do not want to make myself sick or cause issues with my stomach and the such which would mean I could be in Hospital again. It is a case of going slowly and carefully as I said before because it has reached a point of healing when I start to feel better but still not fully healed yet.

Though yesterday I went out to the shops for longer walk than I have done since I been in Hospital which went very well with little and no real pain or discomfort. Things are going forwards though some around me seam to overly worried about me which is not really helping me as I still need a very positive attitude to get through the next few weeks.

Now I am at a point to start to do things again especially my writing for Role-Playing but currently I do not know where to start and it may be a case of just biting the bullet and starting on exiting campaign/chronicle I am running. At least I am trying to write on this journal everyday even if it a bit mundane but it helps me keep my creative side going and keeps me connected to the world around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

It is at that point of my recovery when I am starting to feel better and move around more though my body still reminds me regularly that I have just been through a major operation. Every few while my stomach and intestines remind me that they have been messed with by being extremely uncomfortable when I eat too much. It has got to that point of myself being very careful not to over do things and put my recovery back again.

It is taking lot of willpower not to do too much which not helped by the fact I want to start more things but I am still not totally up to pushing myself yet. I need to take things slowly and remember there is not real rush for me to get better as there is no pressure from work and life in general to do so.

Though over the next week I need to start to write again for my Role-Playing and to organise the first meetings after the operation of my Role-Play group as it will help my recovery no end and inspire me to recover more quickly and move on.

Plus I need to start to write more in my journal here as it keeps my hand in writing even if it is badly.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

My recovery from my operation so far is going well and it is now 2 weeks since the operation itself though it is reaching that stage when I start to feel good enough to move around and start to do things. Though it is a dangerous time as it’s one point of time I could set back my recovery because I do too much so I have to be very mindful of what I am doing.

At the moment life is quiet because of the recovery process which strangely not frustrating as I know I have to do it and really do not want to return back to Hospital. It is a case at the moment of doing a little more each day especially with eating.

This week I aim to back to writing again as I do need to get my role-playing group locally going again sooner than later which includes ideas to promote it locally more. Plus I want to restart both the Over the Edge and Vampire: The Masquerade games again to keep my hand in role-playing especially now I should start to feel even better than I have for the previous year.

There is a hope that my new found strength and health will restart my old enthusiasm for role-playing and other things. This will be helped by new east of life caused by my illness over the previous year which has woken me up to life itself.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

I have not been writing much here in the past few months because of illness and the associated emotional effects it has had on me. Basically it meant that I did not feel like writing anything other than things which made me look sorry for myself.

But now I know what was going on in my life which was basically I was seriously ill though the only real physical signs being my Anaemia, tiredness, listlessness and general bad mood which made me a very difficult person to live and work with.

Early in September I was diagnosed with a uncommon tumour/cancer below my small intestine which was responsible for my Anaemia and I suspect my general health issues for the last year. Luckily the tumour/cancer is not fatal though it’s exact nature still has to be determined which I will not know until the end of this month.

The tumour/cancer was finally taken out just a week ago with the loss of small section of my stomach and up to 5-10cm of my small intestine but it was totally removed though it took in the end 3 surgeons 3 hours to remove it. The fact that it was all removed will mean highly likely that I will not need any further treatment other than the regular checks that the tumour/cancer does not return or spread.

I am now starting the 6-7 weeks recovery from the surgery which will involve healing of the wound caused by the surgery itself and because it was bowl surgery restarting eating again as both my stomach and intestines need to get used to food again strangely.

It now looks like there is a light at the end of the tunnel as by the New Year I will be back to my normal self though with whole different view of my life as all such events in life effect you.

All through this process the one thing which has not been a factor has been my Depression and Anxiety which have stayed in the background. At no point bar just before the operation did my Anxiety come out unless you count my subconscious worrying for me.

It has got me questioning whether my depression/Anxiety has really been a major factor of my life over the past year and it was the effect of the tumour/cancer on my body which was actually causing very similar mental issues. As since the operation even with worry about some aspects of my future I feel calm inside far from worried. This does not mean I will not suffer from dark feelings or short bouts of depression but it seams I may of finally learnt to live with it finally.

It feels at the moment I have started a new chapter of my life which even with it’s dark moments is going to be better and different because I have woken up to the fact I am mortal and life is for living not being afraid.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

It is getting time for me to push the Doctors again as the constant tiredness caused by my Anaemia is getting an issue again as if I walk somewhere the first thing I want to do afterwards is sleep again. All this a sign that my Haemoglobin levels are going down again and I rather head it off before it gets as bad as last time.

I know who to blame for the inordinate length of the NHS’s investigation into my Anaemia as the responsibility is firmly on our current Governments Austerity policies and underhand attempt to privatise our medical services. All this is making my personal situation worse and more dangerous than it should be all because a Government what’s to save money and sell our services to their rich backers at the expenses of people like myself.

I have to apologise but I am both annoyed and frustrated with the situation I find myself in as it is going to disrupt my life longer than it needs to do which is increasing my general sense of frustration and disconnection to the world around me.

Though it has not all been frustration as I have finally started, if slowly, to write for my Role-Playing group games again between the episodes of fatigue. It is a nice feeling and should start to help my feelings of disconnection with the world around me because I am not working currently.

I really hope I can keep this going as it should help me to put a more positive spin on my enforced rest caused by my Anaemia rather than my brooding on the more negative aspects of it.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.