Last week I got good news that my first 6 month CT scan was clear and the tumour I had removed October last year has not returned. Though I still have 2½ years of Chemotherapy to go before I am sure that my tumour has finally gone. But at least things look hopeful and makes the constant fatigue and lack of stamina caused by the Chemotherapy all worth it.

It sort of gives me hope for the future though I am still fighting the urge just to give up because of the tumour itself. After all when I finally started the Chemotherapy the whole effect the tumour could have had on my life hit home big time. It is something I cannot get out of my head and it is making it difficult to be to move and make plans for the future.

I have finally the Phycologist help I need at the end of next month so hopefully can got through the barriers the tumour has put up against myself not moving on or seeing that I have a real future. At the moment it really feels like my life is standing still with the tumour really colouring my view of my world around me.

What does not help is the fact the constant fatigue of the Chemotherapy is getting me down as I ware myself at work so I do not have energy to do anything outside of work. I am trapped in a job which just pays enough to live but I have to work over 30 hours a week to get it so I cannot cut down my hours without causing major financial issues at home. It is my own catch 22 which at the moment I see no way out.

My work/life balance has gone for a Burton at a point I need to be more focused on my life and getting better. It not a real life for me at the moment but an existence which serves everyone else but myself.

I am going to have to really think what I want to do as this cannot continue as it is likely to make me ill again.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

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The chemotherapy is currently taking a lot out of me at the moment as after a normal days work all I want to do is sleep and certainly do not want to interact with anyone including me partner. It is one of those weeks again wondering if it all worth it both the chemotherapy and work as only one is doing good while the other is starting to effect my life is a very adverse way. I will leave my readers to figure out which one.

Someone highlighted to me just how ignorant some people are about cancers and tumours and their treatment. This person seriously said to me that drinking alcohol was more dangerous than the tablet Chemotherapy I am taking!

I suspect they really did not think through what they said or understand what they said to me I could have been taken real as a offence to. It is lucky for them at the time I let it pass thought I suspect others would have been so forgiving.

The truth of the matter the drug I am taking for my Chemotherapy could be far more harmful than alcohol could ever be. Unlike alcohol I need to go to hospital at least twice a month one to check my physical condition and one to talk to my Oncologist. This is because the drug in question could cause organ failure in extreme cases, anaemia, bleeding just to name a few side effects.

I suspect they made the remark because I have played down the whole effect of the tumour and its treatment not understanding I did this so I could cope with the whole situation. If I had not done so I would not of coped with the whole situation so well.

All in all what has come out over the past month is the real ignorance, understanding a fear of my current situation by those people around me. They do not like to talk about it as it feels to myself they believe if they talk about it they may catch a cancer or tumour. I find this whole attitude both childish and cowardly. Cancer much like Mental Illness need to be discussed more as people need to face it as it is highly likely know someone who will go through these conditions.

I know they are both very scary, cancer more so, but people need to be aware of them and the fact both are not real bugbears people think they are and you cannot catch them by talking about them. Plus it will make things easier for those suffering and those who have to look after them as they will not feel so isolated and ostracised from society in general.

If people around me ware far more knowledgeable, open and less fearful, it would make me coping with my current treatment so much better and easier.

I know this is a bit of a rant and rambling but I had to say something.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

So far it has been a peaceful Sunday the only day I have off in 11 days run of shifts at work. Sometimes you wonder if human being actually run companies any more as managers seam not to understand that people have lives outside of work. One of other things which need to be changed in our modern world the work and life balance as everyone knows this is very important to our well-being but too blinded by profits and greed to do anything about it.

So I am taking full advantage of the day off to wind down from unnecessary stresses at work and enjoy the lovely day outside. Though taking stuff to the dump is a strange way to enjoy a day but it is very relaxing throwing stuff away watching crash into skips. The rest of the day I am going to spend writing eating and reading trying to forget the world outside.

It is one of those days when doing little will do me a world of good.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

This week and next week are going to be hell on earth as I will be working 11 days run of shifts with only one day off in the middle which means I can basically write off these two weeks as far as my life is concerned. I am just keeping myself together and remaining awake enough to do anything outside of work. It one of those times when I wonder if work is really worth the effort especially with the wage they pay me.

All this is very rich as work has successfully aggravated my anxiety at a time when I need to be strong so I can survive the effects of the tumour on my life. They expect me to step up at a time I am going through Chemotherapy which is both physically and mentally draining me.

On a lighter note between dozing on the settee my creative juices have started again slow but all in the right direction putting back a more positive side into my life at a difficult time. I found the work I had started to creating my own version of the 13th Age Role-Playing game background and I was very surprised how much I had done. I hope it inspires me to write again.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

It is two day in of a 5 day run of shifts and so far my body is not complaining too much but I suspect that will not be true tomorrow as I pushed myself far too much today. At times I am my own worse enemy as I push myself to prove that I am still alright but I am not currently. But at least doing so today at work was not so boring and better than I expected.

I need to really find a way to shorten my work week without losing any money so I do not lose whole weeks to work. At the moment during the week all I do is work, sleep and eat as I am far too tired to do anything else after work. In the end I end up with no life of my own just one dominated by work which is no real life to live.

After all I have been through with the Tumour it feels like the whole affair was for nothing if my life does not change. Things will have to change as to be blunt if things do not go well medically in the future I do not want to look back on a life which I could of lived.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Tonight is the last night of my holiday and tomorrow I am returning back to a job which now really starting to bore me in a system that I have no faith in any more. The only really annoying thing is there is little real work locally which has enough hours and pays a decent wage which is a sad fact of our modern world. I will not go into my political views here as I do that elsewhere other than the way our world works especially in the West is far from ideal and eventually doomed to catastrophic failure.

It is probably good that at the moment I am indifferent to work as it will make going back to work much easier. I need to start to talk to the likes of Macmillan Cancer Support to see if there is any way I can reduce the hours I work without losing to much money as currently because of the Chemotherapy is starting to take a lot out of me. Plus I really do not need certain issues at work any more as I really have more than enough trouble trying to keep myself positive because of the tumour.

Other than that life has gone quiet again mostly because all I want to do is sleep all the time and really do not want to cope with the world around me at the moment. The tumour has put up a barrier between me and the world in so much because of it. I really just want to give up as in the back of my mind all I want to do is give up. This is the constant battle I need to fight and win but at the moment the dark side is winning.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Today has been a bit more productive day as I managed to change our old router for a new router in the hope it will improve our broadband speed but it look like it is the broadband itself which is causing the real issues. So once again it is calling our service provider and being very firm with them to get them to actually do something about our broadband issues.

This frankly something I should not need to do as I have already called them once about the issue which they said they look into but nothing has been done. But it is something I now expect as most modern companies here only give lip service to customer service. It is also hassle I really do not need at the moment.

What made today a sort of milestone is that I believed that the whole process of actually changing the router would be a difficult regardless that I have done it before. In the end it was an easier process than I expected with only few annoyances which were easily fixed.

The fact I believe I could not do it easily is all the result of my depression which currently robbing me of the confidence to do things even those things I have done before. Depression is good at robbing you of you confidence to do even the most simple things. It one part of the illness which makes life more difficult than it should be as I have fight myself to do anything even simple things.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.