At some point I will restart a life which has simply stalled in a dark place of self doubt and fear. It really looks like I have a case of winter blues happier to wallow in my self pity than actually get up and do something creative.

Currently feels like I am on the edge of doing something constructive but too tired mentally to actually to knuckle down and start. It is as if fear of failure is holding me back rather using the fear to give me the motivation to get things done to prove it wrong.

This current state of myself is simply not the old me but a poor imitation of the old me who is once again frustrated wit the world. All my own fault that I am in this place not anyone else’s and it will have to be myself who has to drag myself out of this dark place again into the light.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

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Another time when I unable to start anything creative or if I do it is a pain fully slow process full of self-doubt. It never helps it is mid-winter which always seams to put a low mood as the world outside is cold and dark most of the time. Though currently the events happening in the world around me is also making wonder is anything is worth the effort as people are very intent on destroying anything which is both useful and good to my perspective.

Though not all bad even though I am still generally feeling down and disconnect to world around me some things are starting to change in my life though currently at a slow pace due to myself feeling lethargic but all small steps forward. I am starting to update my Curriculum Vitae so I can look for a new job this year and started putting together a local role-playing group for people who are more interested in story teller based role-playing games.

Once again my life is moving slower than I would like but as always it is my own fault because I have allowed fear to start to colour my life again!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

New Horizons and Hopes!

Posted: 9 February, 2018 in group, Role-Playing

I have started a new venture in Role-Playing which is to organise locally a group of role-players who want to play more story teller based games under the name of The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford. I have set up its presence on the internet including a web site, mini-social network and Facebook group.

It gives me a new horizon and hope that I will find like minded role-players locally who love idea of story teller based role-playing games rather than more traditional role-playing games which have far too much emphasis on combat and rules. I want a place where I can be more creative in my role-playing with people who will reciprocate this creativity for such role-playing games.

It is early days for the group and I know it will be an uphill battle to get the group off the ground but I know there are people out there who have the same passion for story telling role-playing games. The biggest battle to setting up the group is to fight myself and fight the self-doubt which will come at the start when people seam not to be interested.

But I believe and know that there are people locally who want to play more story based role-playing games plus if it does not succeed at least I tried it rather than sat around doing nothing.

For anyone who interested to look at the web sites associated with The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford just follow the urls below:

Home Page: http://thesteampoweredstoryteller.duckdns.org/wordpress/tecrps/
Mini-Social Network: http://theenlightenedcompany.duckdns.org

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Reconciling the Almost Impossible!

Posted: 9 February, 2018 in Comment, Life

At the moment it is getting more difficult to reconcile the fact that I work in a company which is well entrenched in our Western Capitalism with both my own political and moral views especially with what is currently happening in the Western world around me.

What the recent events including Brexit and voting in of Mr Trump as the President of the United States have highlighted just how rotten to the core our Capitalism in the West has become especially over the past decades. That is a Capitalism which now puts profits before everything else including the environment, human rights and even health of all Human Beings.

I am starting to question if Western Capitalism is really the only way we can do business and really worth it considering the damage it does to human beings and the Environment. All so an small elite of very rich people can benefit from the work of the other 99%.

All this made worse because Capitalism has not always been like that and once benefited all people and allowed the world to move forward. But our modern Capitalism is now corrupted by greed, avarice and inhumanity as I said run by an elite who now have no real understanding of the world around them even the very businesses they run as most inherited their positions rather than actually earned them.

As I said I rather not be part of this world any more and the only reason I am is because I have to pay the bills at home. It is slowly killing me from the inside as working in such an environment especially with people who seam blind to what is happening around them is very soul destroying for me.

In the end all I do is going through the motions of a life made worse by the fact it does not have to be like this in my own country as other countries have proved time and time again Capitalism which takes into account of humans and the environment can work.

It is also one of the major causes of both my depression and anxiety because I have to compromise both my morals and honesty to function in a world which I now have little and no faith in!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

All the fun of work has started again with the usual effect of making me constantly tired and lethargic again. It is as if work is a anaesthetic to life and puts me in a constant hibernation incapable to do anything outside of work itself.

This is all my own fault as I have allowed work to get under my skin again rather than regard it as necessity which needs to be done and frankly an unimportant part of my life or a chore which must be done to survive. That is one of those things to feed and cloth yourself and survive.

Luckily outside of work I am starting to do things again, including this journal again, though currently with my Role-Playing I am a bit paralysed about moving forward as I am being myself because I am going to upset a number of people with my actions and remarks about a local group. It does need to be done so I can move on and restart my Role-Playing again.

On top of which I have started to finish off the associated web sites to do with a new role-playing project, The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford, which includes a new mini social web site which will be hosted on my server here. This because Facebook pages, regardless of their own hype, are frankly useless and far too restrictive to be useful for such a project. Plus I resent the fact that I have to pay for features which frankly I can get for free elsewhere and I have far more control over.

The creation of the social web site in question has highlighted my talents are wasted at work currently after all I have set up a mini social network on my server following the instructions provided and overcame any issues with little research and know how. Now I am customising the said mini social web site with little and no real useful documentation but enlightened trial and error through which I am learning new things.

It really highlights I need a new job which stretches my creativity, imagination and most of all my intellect as my current job is currently making me very lazy with such things and it may be one reason why I feel so unfulfilled and empty inside currently. As always it is motivating myself to change my job which seams to sum up my life currently.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

As I said yesterday in general it all starts again the fun world of work though as I said I am indifferent to it now which if you think about it is a bit sad in the end. After all you work most of your life so enjoying is almost a must as anything else would waste of your life after all we are not put on this Earth to be slaves but to live our lives to the full.

It is not that I am not good at my job just the fact I am now bored with it much like most of my life around me which lacks real colour and that certain buzz which gets you up in the morning and do things. Unlike the large majority people around me I do not blame other people for this malaise I am in currently as it is all my own work.

I am bored because I have become far too comfortable and it is easier to follow the same pattern everyday as it is easier to do than actually living. I have also allowed the fear of living creep back into my life that sort of crippling fear which stops you actually doing anything.

I know I can change things but half the art is finding a way to fool myself into doing it without taking extreme and dramatic measures but in small steps at a time. Though this does always increase my frustration and the feeling that my life is going nowhere very fast. But in the way it is better way of doing it as it will upset those around me less as I know I need to change but I still want a quiet life.

The first steps have been taken already as the saying goes a journey starts with a step.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Today is last day of my holiday from work and strangely I am indifferent about the fact that I am returning back to work tomorrow. In itself this is sad state of affairs in so much it really show just how disconnected to work and life I have become. It makes me feel like I am just going through the motions of living, playing and working. There is no passion, no emotion or real connection to my own life.

I suspect that is a malaise most modern people live under as our world does not exactly encourage us to change things and continue in the same way too afraid to change things. Though currently it being mid-winter never helps me as I get very lethargic and sleepy because the outside world is cold and wet.

But I do need to start changing some things soon as I am becoming very bored with life itself which for me is a very dangerous place to be because the real dark thoughts start coming to the front of my mind.

Though currently one of the things I want to change I keep putting it off because I do not want to upset some people but need to be done so I can finally start to move on. It is one of those times when I need to be brave and got on with it.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.