After last 3 days at work with all the stress and issues there, I wanted to drink again under the pretence that I needed to relax and escape. Some 10 years ago I would of gone out and brought some red wine, got drunk and to regret it the next day because of a hangover and downs caused by the drinking itself!
At the height of my depression this was always the answer to my problems and escape from the world around me to a point I drank every day and when I went out I drank too much under the pretence I was enjoying myself. This had got so bad that I was worry those around me who were noticing that I was drinking too much even to the point of scaring them.
Myself I always justified it by saying what was the point of worrying about it as I had nothing to live for and it was an escape from a world I feared and believed I had no connection to. I did this even knowing it was starting to make me physically ill even overweight and it always made me feel worse the next day.
This never because truly apparent until I started to do something about my depression as my view of drink changed from being a prop to function as a human being and escape reality to something I can now take and leave. It has become something I now how to control and watch very closely all the time just in case I slip back to the old habits.
This is a far better place for me to be both physically and mentally as drink is still a part of my life but now a minor and controlled part of my life. I now drink to enjoyment when I really want to drink not when my depression wants me to drink. This in itself makes me a lot happier as I now do not wake up everyday feeling bad and ill because I drank the night before.
Both from my own experience what has come very apparent is that drinking because of the effect of depression is a slippery slope down in to the depression itself. But it also shows the sheer strength of will people who have depression have as they have within them the power to control their drinking or any addiction.
Once again this highlights depression is not illness of someone who is weak willed but an illness of someone who is far too strong willed!
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