Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part CIV

It has taken me a year and over 6 months talking to a psychologist I have finally got to a point where I am strong enough mentally to start taking back control of my life after the tumour was taken out. It has been a difficult journey to get there and I am under know illusion that I still have a long way to go still. In itself this has made me feel better in myself but it is going to put some people’s noses out of joint especially at where I work.

Over the next weeks I will need to talk to work as I need to change the priority of my life from just working, sleeping and eating so I can just earn enough to live to make sure that I am both physically and mentally strong enough to fight the return of the tumour or to fight it if the treatment fails and it returns. It is going to be a difficult for those who manage me at work but for myself it is something I need to do as now I have to put myself first especially over the next 2 years.

Considering the fact just over a year ago the tumour could have been indirectly responsible for killing me if it had not been found so the past year has been a bonus another year of life which I could never had. I owe it to myself, surgeons and those who nursed me back to health to do something more with my life rather than just existing.

It sounds selfish but especially over the next 2 years while I am going through the Chemotherapy treatment I need to put myself first and work far down my list of priorities to a point it becomes an ends to a means and not as in the past the thing which dominated my life.

Now I have been given a chance of more years of life I rather not waste them living a life totally dominated by work but a fuller life as I do not know how many years I have got left. Plus I really owe it to myself.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part CIII

Yesterday was exactly one year since the operation to remove my tumour took place which was marked quietly by myself. I look at it as another year of life I would not of got if the tumour has not been removed as it was killing me. This highlights a change of attitude to whole event over the past year from feeling like there was no future to being even celebrating every day I live and not be afraid of death any more.

Just now the hardest battle I have to fight is against the effect the Chemotherapy is having on my body and rebuilding my life back to a point I can start to move forward. Currently it is an uphill fight which I keep winning by small victories every day much as my Clinical Psychologist told me to do. I still have to get back to writing and running Role-Playing games but I am starting to write a little more often in this journal.

Last night at work I discovered the hard way why I need to sit quietly after taking my Chemotherapy tablet as I moved too early after taking the tablet which caused some real discomfort in my stomach. I think it also highlighted to my manages and supervisors just how serious my current situation is. I am still suffering today because of last night with discomfort in my stomach. It is one of those times when I should of listened to my body rather than trying to carry on as normal.

Work has not still had a meeting about how I need to change how I work because of my Chemotherapy effects on my body. I suspect that they are putting it discussion off as it is going to be more difficult for them than me as I will be focused on making my life easier at a time when I need to reduce the stress both physically and mentally on my body.

I currently still have no idea of what direction I want to take my life but I know that I need to change things and move away from people who are suffocating me and not challenging me both mentally and intellectually.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part CII

I have not written here in a long time mainly because I have had little to really say and I really did not want to talk to people because I have been suffering with almost crippling Anxiety due to the tumour and chemotherapy I am on currently.

Though now I am on my third set of anti-Anxiety medication again in the hope these ones work better than the last two I took which sadly had undesirable mental side effect which I or my partner could not live with. At present things look good as only feeling I am getting currently is that something is missing which could be as simple as that I am not feeling any Anxiety at the moment.

About three weeks ago things at work had come to a head as my Anxiety was starting to make me physically ill every morning and it was starting to really effect my work in a very negative way. If it had continued I would of either lost my job or got to a point of not wanting to leave the house. I had to have two weeks off to start to get my head back together.

What has come out of this situation is that I need to change who I work in so much I need to start to put myself first as I have found I really have not coped well both physically and mentally with the tumour over the past year. I have been muddling on best I can putting others first and not looking after myself and coming to terms with what has happened.

I am now in the process which as always going to be slow process to change how I work which will include asking for Occupational Therapist to be involved to help me find a better way to work which does not impact my life detrimentally while I am on the Chemotherapy. It is something work is not going to like especially this time of year but it is something I need to do as all I can do currently is work and I have far to fatigued to actually live a life.

It seams the tumour has left me feeling like the rug has been pulled from under me even after a year. II am having great difficulty moving forward though at the moment with the help of a Clinical Phycologist I am starting to move forward in small steps. At the moment it stopping myself being frustrated by the fact that I am not getting better as quick as I would like and understanding it will take time for me to recover mentally regardless of the fact physically I am well on the mend.

I need to start focusing on the positive things, how small they are, that happen each day. I also need to take more control over those things in my life I have control over and stop worrying about those thing I have no real control over.

One positive thing that has come out over the past year I have stopped worrying about dying and I now see the who process as a very sad thing. This in itself is major step forward to me as it will mean I should cope better if the tumour ever comes back. I also means I can get on with my life with out the fear of death colouring my life.

Today’s positive thing is that I have actually written here in my journal.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part CI

Life goes on at its slow pace my end not helped by the fact that I am constantly tired and I am still fighting the general disinterest in life caused by what I am going through. Though now the Psychologist’s appointments are slowing working their magic again much as last time I had talking therapy when I decided to do something about my depression for the first time. Things are starting to slowly change for the better in my own head and I am going to a better place there.

One of the break thorough is the fact I am not fearful of death any more but now I feel a great sadness that I will have to face death. This to some people will sound very morbid but after the brush with death last year with the tumour I suspect that most people in my position change their attitude to death. It is something I have to reconcile in my head as to cope with the fact you are mortal you have to accept death and you cannot live in constant fear of it. As I said before living in fear is not a good place to live as it eats you away and it dominates your life so much you forget you have a life to live.

The other is I am making an effort to start to rebuild my life together in small ways at the moment it will just spending time watching television, reading books and attending a role-playing group once a week. All sound small and insignificant things to do. But after what I have been through they are big steps towards getting a life again not dominated by the tumour/cancer.

There is a strange irony to all this the tumour/cancer may have been enough of a wake up call to actually do something to change my life for real something long overdue. As always it takes something traumatic to get us to do something about the rut we find ourselves in!

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part C

I have had my second Clinical Psychologist appointment last week which was an interesting and productive in so much it has shown me that I am starting to move forward mentally with coping with the effects of my tumour and chemotherapy. One thing that came out of this appointment I need to stop trying to do too much at once and end up doing nothing because I have tired myself out. So from now on on the advise of the Phycologist I will start to break things down into smaller tasks which will be easier to do and not tire myself as quickly.

For those who are not going through what I am going through, the Chemotherapy, takes a lot out of me to a point I am constantly tired even if I have enough sleep. It makes everyday living more difficult and frustrating as you have not energy to do anything and if you do something you are very fatigued after it. In the end if you are not careful you end up with whole days when all you can do is dose or sleep. It is not a pleasant place to be as you start to think you are wasting your life doing nothing when you have little real choice in the matter.

During the appointment I have found that I do not fear death any more because of what happened now I feel sadness about dying as my connection to this world will be gone forever. This in itself is a step forward as now I can live the rest of my life without the fear of death marring my life. This in the past has been a big issue in my life as the fear my my life darker and more fearful but now it is realise to finally live my life.

So now another battle has to be fought to find a way I can work around the constant fatigue and start to move my life forward to a point where I can finally control its direction free from the distractions from people and events which frankly will become unimportant in my future. I need to surround myself with people who are more open minded, creative and imaginative and turn my back on those people who cannot move forward and have closed minds. I need to do this so I can grow as a person and turn my current situation in to positive thing.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part XCIX

In the end today has been stressful day as I finally got around to taking my current ISP to task over the current performance of my Broadband. It is one of those situations when all diagnostics indicated the broadband is fine but it is most definitely not as if a large amount of data goes down the broadband it slows down to a point that likes of World of Warcraft becomes unplayable.

So I expected a difficult call to the ISP and I was not disappointed as I got the impression from them as their diagnostics indicated no issues they were not prepared to listen to me with the effect I had to end the call because it has started to stress me out too much. But I did make sure they called me back so I can put in an official complaint about them not listening to what I said and taking our issues seriously.

I was getting stressed out as they were refusing to look into the issue because they believed everything was right at our end and tried to blame our equipment our end. An argument which frankly holds no water as nothing has changed here since the issues started. Tat is before all this sorry affair started our broadband functioned with no issues and World of Warcraft was playable.

I have not told them yet I am going through the stress of Tumour and resulting Chemotherapy as I will drop this bombshell once it has be sorted to my satisfaction at which point they will be scolded for putting me through hell at a difficult time of my life.

It not a battle I wanted to fight but after my treatment at work it is a battle I am going to fight and win. It sort of reflects my life as I am too much of a nice guy which others take an advantage of which usually means I get the worse end of the stick a large majority of the time. I am not saying that being a nice guy is a bad thing but too many people abuse this fact for their own ends and to the disadvantage of a nice guy.

Frankly I am fed up of it with those around me who use underhand tactics of guilt trips to get me to do things. It really does not do my mental health any good and undermines my own self-confidence and self-image.

At the moment I feel tearful and down because of today as call to ISP has taken a lot out of me both physically and emotionally. I really do not want to go to work tomorrow because of all the stress at work most of which I have no real control over and in the large number of cases are unnecessary and could of been avoided if people put their minds to it.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Chronicles of a Steam Powered Storyteller Part XCVIII

Another weeks starts with the constant battle against my Chemotherapy making feel ill and getting me down because of its effects it is having on me both physically and mentally. Also a battle with those around me who see someone who is well on the outside who needs understanding about their situation not sympathy as they seam to think. Frankly sympathy does little to improve my situation but understanding helps as it eases it as it highlights why I need some leeway in my everyday activities.

This last part is a battle I do not want to fight as I cannot afford the energy and time wasted on things which frankly people should know already. But as always fear of my situation clouds their reactions to my situation. Much like mental health, cancer is simply not talked about because people still think they can catch it if they talk about it. I find this attitude disturbing and saddening as by avoiding and not talking about these subjects makes people’s situations worse on both sides.

There I am expecting adult and mature reactions from people around me as just because I have had to accepted my situation and facing up to it the best I can. I have to telling myself not every is like myself and each person reacts differently to my situation. It is a fault of mine as if I can cope I question just why other people cannot cope?

This is going to be a constant theme of my life from now on coping with every scare my tumour will or could throw at me and not allowing it to blight what I have left of my life. At some points like now I will become obsessed with my situation and health especially when I am going through treatment to stop my tumour coming back. It is something which is perfectly natural and all part of being a Human Being.

One positive thing is that all through this I am getting stronger mentally and coping remarkably well considering this time last year I could of bled to death if my partner had not bullied me to go to Hospital. I now worry less about death and worry more about not living a life a change of attitude which bodes well for my future. Each day I amaze myself the fact I am alive and still functioning.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to Freinds by Gas Light!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my on-line scrapbook just follow the link to The Aethernaut’s Halt.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.