Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

Today is last day of my holiday from work and strangely I am indifferent about the fact that I am returning back to work tomorrow. In itself this is sad state of affairs in so much it really show just how disconnected to work and life I have become. It makes me feel like I am just going through the motions of living, playing and working. There is no passion, no emotion or real connection to my own life.

I suspect that is a malaise most modern people live under as our world does not exactly encourage us to change things and continue in the same way too afraid to change things. Though currently it being mid-winter never helps me as I get very lethargic and sleepy because the outside world is cold and wet.

But I do need to start changing some things soon as I am becoming very bored with life itself which for me is a very dangerous place to be because the real dark thoughts start coming to the front of my mind.

Though currently one of the things I want to change I keep putting it off because I do not want to upset some people but need to be done so I can finally start to move on. It is one of those times when I need to be brave and got on with it.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Advertisements

Another week of a holiday from work almost gone and strangely it did not fly by as in previous holidays. Only real downer this week being for last few days I have had a constant headache which has put a dampener on myself doing anything constructive though luckily has not stopped me totally.

Though the last few days have not been total failure as number of much needed things have been done though mostly for my partner and little actually for myself. I am back to being stuck where to start with the many things ending up doing nothing feeling bit out of it and frustrated.

It does not help that I feel restless and out of sorts currently with constant nagging feeling my life is really not going anywhere where I am stuck now which is always made worse by the fact I could change everything by just making a decision to do something. But as always I keep putting it off because my depression and anxiety constantly stops me with self-doubt and fear that it will all go wrong.

All this is the fun of living with depression and anxiety which always ends up with yourself constantly fighting with yourself to move on.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Time to stop pussyfooting around and start to do things including writing, getting my Curriculum Vitae sorted and computers fixed as at the moment I find myself stymied with so much to do but I don’t know where to start. As always this seams to be the story of my life currently and getting me nowhere very fast.

At least now I have started writing my journal again so things are not as bad for me and one again is keeping me sane and giving my creativity exercised while I wait for inspiration and my get up and go to come back to me.

What is becoming very clear both at work, home and in general I need to change things around me as I have become far to comfortable and settled to actually change things or move forward. It is one of those times when change will be good for me as it will give me that inspiration and enthusiasm to move on.

Though I suspect there will be those around me who will be put out by the changes but it is long overdue that I start to look after my well-being both physically and mentally before the needs of others. All this is long overdue as far as I am concerned as currently my inactivity is making myself feel powerless and useless when I know inside I have so much more to give and create which needs to come out.

It is one of those times when today becomes the rest of my life.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

It is halfway through my holiday though I am indifferent to the fact even that in a weeks time I am back at work something I have not missed over the past week. Sort of says everything about work here in so much it is something we must do rather than enjoy and feel like we are achieving something.

Ahead the next week’s holiday is going to be more active with much need chores to be done and writing started for my role-playing games I am running and going to run. If anything I am looking forward to it especially the writing part as it will be nice to start to be creative again.

All this creativeness has been inspired by reading a role-playing system book which was actually easy to read and understand which reinstated my faith in such books. It does highlight just how overly complex and verbose some modern role-playing system books have become. Once again it is people in the hobby trying to do too much and too hard especially now they tend to put profit before quality now a sad reflection how people do business nowadays.

So now I have yet another older system I can run with confidence and gives me enough ideas and latitude to write something for it, the role-playing game being Chill 2nd Edition. It is nice to be in this position again after months of what I would call writers block.

So once again things for myself are most definitely more upbeat in 2018 especially with feeling that the world around me is starting to wake up to madness it had got itself into in 2017. I am more hopeful this year than last year.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Today is my birthday though not a significant one as such but marks another point on my journey through life and certainly will mark a start of a change in my life. It is time to start to take more control of my life especially it’s direction. One of the first things I will do is say I do not want to overtime at work any more as I want more time outside of work to find another job and get some of my plans for new things started outside of work.

So far the day has been quiet day relaxing finishing off the last few bit and pieces on my home web page to give it a new more pleasant look which fits in well with the new Role-Playing Group web site I have been creating this week. Next week will be starting writing seriously again between doing chores before returning back to work.

I have also start to red through my new acquisition brought as a birthday present myself, Chill Role-Playing Game core rule book, which I am being pleasantly surprised by as it is easy to read and understand unlike the large majority of the current Role-Playing Game systems of a similar ilk. It certainly highlights to myself that a lot of the new Role-Player writers seam to overcomplicate things or make their rules so difficult to read and obscure to understand as if they are trying far too hard to create their systems.

All in all it looks like this year Chill RPG will be one of the few games I will be running this year though where is still under question as this is one of the things I need to decide before the end of this month. It is one of these things I need to do to enable me to move on and re-inspire my own creativity again.

So all in all been a nice birthday with a potentially nice end to the day with a trip into Second Life with some fine Red Wine and Chocolate.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

Half way though the week of my post peak holiday and only thought of work once at 5 am in the morning when my mind wonders off on strange paths. It was quickly replaced by better thoughts and I promptly fell asleep.

This week is a week of sleeping and avoiding the world outside so I can recover from the previous busy few months at work though that has not been totally true as I have been a busy bee on my computer especially working on my various self-hosted web sites.

I have finally got the new local Role-Playing Group I am trying to set up web site finally set up and working which was one of the things I wanted to do this year. The next task is to modify the look of my personal home page as I have far better look for it which is far more striking than the current version of the site.

Add to this I had a trip to local Role-Playing shop where I dropped off a poster advertising the new Role-Playing group I am creating and finding a bargain of a copy of Chill Role-Playing Game for £10 which turned out be brilliant birthday present.

This week is also my birthday which will be quiet affair which will involve some really nice Red Wine and treats all thanks to my parents. It will also involve an evening with my partner and dogs ending up with nice trip into Second Life.

So after last year of doom and gloom it looks like 2018 has already started to be a good year for the both of us here and this year I feel m life will start to move forward regardless of the events happening around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Please Note: If you are interested in my new venture a local role-playing group specialising in story telling systems just follow the link to The Enlightened Company of Role-Players of Stafford.

After the optimism of yesterday the fatigue of past few months cam crashing in and all I wanted to do yesterday and today is doze and not think. I should not be surprised as when you stop suddenly after busy few months the same always happens. Hopefully in next few days I will get enough sleep and rest to become human again.

Today is also a day when I must make a decision if I want to go back to a role-playing group or not and get few other things done all much needed to be done. It is those things I need to do to make my life easier and happier. Some of which are starting to move my life forward again.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.