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Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIX

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It has been a long time since I have written anything here but the past few months have been very eventful for me with myself running a successful Vampire Role-Playing game at a local Role-Playing Club and the EU Referendum here in the United Kingdom. Both have taken up a lot of my time and focus for two different reasons but both have allowed me in their own ways exercise my writing and ability to express myself.

Regardless currently I feel trapped in so much I am at a loss how to move forward in my life for the first time there is underlying feeling that I have not been so alive or energised in a long time about things.

The Vampire Role-Playing Game has finally allowed me to exercise my imagination, creativity and storytelling skills something I have missed in recent years. What makes it better is the fact I am actually running a game which works and can hold the interest of the players to a point they are looking forward to the next game.

It turns out this is something I should of done a long time ago as it certainly helped my depression no end as it has stopped my focusing on the negative aspects of my life and given me something positive in my life which also starts to exercise my creative side.

In it’s own way the EU Referendum here, especially with leave result, has finally focused by political views and what I want out of the world around me. Though I suspect my left-wing views will upset people around me but frankly those it does I am starting to really wonder if they should even be part of my life.

It has validated my political views and finally allowed me to be what I have always wanted to be that is dreamer, free thinker and idealist as in these difficult times here in United Kingdom it is a good defence against the terrible things happening around me. As after all it is hope and dreams of a better world keep us all going and moving forward especially when we are prepared to stand up and be counted.

In the end those who stand by me as I change over the next few years from a quiet, unassuming and retiring person to a outspoken, questioning and outgoing person will be worth knowing while those who leave or ignore me because of this change in the end were really not friends in the first place o will not be missed by myself.

There is still a long way for me to go in this transition as I am stuck on the first step how to actually change my job to something which really challenges and complements my future new self more rather than currently making feel constantly tired, stressed and unfulfilled.

Finally I should really start to explore if I could actually write stories which could interest people after all it seams I can be a good storyteller which something I am still get used to.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVIII

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I have been cold today which is usual for late May which at the moment is making a mockery of the global warming argument who strangely keeping very quiet. It is not doing my mood much good as I rather be warm this time of year as it always makes me feel a lot better. I am hoping it gets warm again as I could do with the boost in my mood currently.

Other than that it has been interesting week away from work doing my civic duty serving on a jury in the local Crown Court which turned out it did me a lot of good as I had a break from work. It also highlighted just how toxic the atmosphere at work has become to a point it has started to make me feel ill.

The only thing which made the Jury Service a lot more stressful than it should of been was the fact the company I worked for did not have the good grace or real sense of civic duty to pay me during my Jury Service and expect a poorly funded Justice Department to foot the bill of the lost of any earnings.

I know companies have the choice if they pay someone or not during anyone’s Jury Service but I find it very low that modern companies choose their profits before their civic duty to the country as after all they have same civic obligations to the country which allows them to do business so by not giving something back other than taxes it really shows their disrespect they have for the country and it’s justice system. But their actions reflects the modern morality of business who put profits before everything else!

Now I have that off my chest the past few week have not been that bad if anything very successful outside of work with my first two sessions of my Vampire: The Masquerade Role-playing Game run at a local Role-Playing Group going down well with my Players. It seams I have not lost my knack of running Role-Playing Games if anything it was a lot easier than I expected. Though I still get very daunted by the prospect of the next session as in the background my lack of confidence still plagues me.

So it looks as if my Role-Playing will go from strength to strength as I play and run more Role-Playing games so currently it looks like I have a rosy future there which should start to lead to some more interesting possibilities outside of work.

In the end after today at work I really do need new possibilities even with work as it was not a very auspicious start at work as I have only been away from work for just over a week and the store looked a mess. Those responsible really did not care or understood why that is was so bad.

Work depending on a few and allowing others not to care they are really making a rod for their own backs so if those they depend on either leave or turn around and say they have had enough they are royally screwed!

But as always in the modern world people rarely look beyond their own noses and they really lack an understanding of their own effect on the people and world around them!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVII

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It is high time I start to focus the positive aspects of my life and work and let go of those negative aspects of my life as for far too long they have been destroying me from the inside. Always results in myself feeling down and useless in the end.

It is one of those times to count my blessing as in the end I have far more than I actually think which include managers who are prepared to push me forward and support me in my work, an outlet for my creative and imaginative side just to name a few.

But the hardest thing for me currently is not allow those negative things around me overwhelming me to a point that I feel that I am drowning but it is not me who is having the issues but those around me. I should remember the simple fact that as long as I do my best and work hard is all I can do and stop worrying and covering for those around me who are failing or not caring.

In the end they are not my responsibility and I owe them nothing as I have always lived a life my way especially in recent years not a life which everyone expects me to live. In the end it is only way to live life as it is less stressful and enjoyable.

In the end it is the time to count my blessings and let go of everyone else’s shortfalls as it is their problem not mine!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVI

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Last few weeks have been hard work on so many levels to a point the strain my end is starting to show in constant irritation. All this not helped by financial worries due to the prospect of Jury Service which has been made worse by company expecting the Jury Service to pay my wages while I am there. It is yet another nail in the coffin for me working where I am now it is getting myself moving to change jobs and find that elusive place which actually puts people first rather than currently who put business first at the expense of people on far too many levels.

Other then financial issues the Jury Service will give me a much needed rest away from an environment which is toxic on so many levels add to this a rarity a regular work pattern something sadly lacking currently. It will mean for two weeks I can plan my life rather than currently when I have to adapt my life to work pattern which on so many levels is wrong on so many fundamental levels.

Life is not all bad currently as I have finally got back to Role-Playing again regularly with a local group which finally means I have more of a social life locally outside of work which is starting to have a more positive effect on my life. That is rather than constantly thinking about work and more negative aspects of the world around me, now I can focus on something which is far more positive, constructive and exercises my imagination something which is long overdue.

It is a lot of work currently as I get back into both running and playing Role-Playing but as I get back into it everything will get much easier and to start to flow easier. It will also have a knock on effect of giving me a far more positive view of life and more energy to do other things rather than moping around feeling sorry for myself.

Finally I have started to run a Vampire: The Masquerade Role-Playing game at a local group which first few sessions have gone better than I expected all helped by a group of players who have thrown themselves fully into the idea of the game. They have created some wonderful characters which I can create a wonderful game and stories around.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLV

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Today is going to be a day of rest of an aching body and mind after 5 days what can be called hell all caused by those who really do not think through the effect they have on those around them. Sadly nothing new there and as frustrating to me as per usual.

It was one of those situations when the people involved should of stepped back and thought rather than react to a bad situation which made everything worse rather than better. There is only one real excuse is that it whole situation was a learning experience for all involved with the faint hope they learn from it.

In the end I survived it but it has left me very tired and worn down by a situation that should of never occurred in the first place. It gets to a point in my life if the job really worth the effort in the end as it is starting to effect my life in a very detrimental way especially with my mental health.

In the end not job really is worth the effort if it effect your health as you can always get another job but I only really have one life which is very precious indeed!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIV

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It feels like the morning after a good day a bit of a let down but it also does not help it is a Monday morning with usual blues that comes with it as old habits die hard. Though today and tomorrow have a silver-lining as I am not working and it is rare nowadays I get two days off work in a row.

Yesterday was a good day in the end though the start could have been a bit better but I was stuck on the Tech Desk yet again at work something I really do not relish any more but the end of the day was so much better and a lot more successful than I expected.

I finally ran my first Role-Playing Game after 5 years of a break helped by the fact I have finally found a local Role-Playing group with reasonable number of players who are willing to try new and different Role-Playing games.

It all went better than I expected with all the Players enjoying themselves and getting into the spirit of the game which was a one off Traveller Scenario involving a Alien Hunt with a difference in so much the alien was a lot more powerful and technically killable, though they did find the way to kill it though they did not get a chance too.

The start of the game was a bit shaky as I was really nervous and rusty at the start but once I got into the flow of the game I remembered why I really liked running Role-Playing games as it is gives me lot of pleasure to see a story unfold especially when the players themselves create their own path through the story.

It was also gratifying the people of the group liked my more free form style of Game Mastering/Storytelling something I have always done for the last 5 years when I played and run Role-Playing Games. I tend to be someone who puts the story first rather than the rules and players before the scenario itself as I believe it makes a far more better game for the Players and myself.

So now I have finally proved to myself I can run a Role-Playing Game and I hope I have proved to the Players at the group I can run a Role-Playing game and I am not as I looked a lot of hot air. As always my depression makes things difficult inside my head as it can put real doubts in my head even if things have gone well.

So this is yet another step away from a life which had become very bland, frustrating and frankly boring. This year is still marching on towards better things for all of us here regardless of the distressing events around the world!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIII

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I have been quiet here lately as I have been busy finally outside of work finally building a social life though currently around Role-Playing Games but it is a start. It has started to do me some good as it now giving me a far more positive focus to my life away from the more negative aspects of my life which include work and everything associated with it.

It does also mean I have a real outlet for my imagination and creative sides of my character especially now I regularly Role-Play at a local gaming group though still early days still. Plus this weekend I will be running a Role-Playing for the first time in over 5 years something I am both looking forward to and nerves about. I know I can run the game but it is the fact I have to run the game for strangers which can aggravate my depression because of the anxiety it could create.

But either way this weekend is the first real step back to what I could call a normal life for me and step away from a life which has become dominated by work in the past decade. This was at the expense of my mental health and health in general so this subtle change in my life will result in an improvement in my mental health.

So over the next year I will start to play and run more Role-Playing Games and I have three ideas in the pipe line which should be very interesting role-playing game ideas to play and run. So there is a lot of work to get them up and running but they will stretch and exercise my imagination and creative side. There is a hope that they may inspire me to write more here and beyond as it inspires me to do new things.

Outside of this I am getting far more vocal about what is happening here in the United Kingdom to a point I am slowly going beyond the usual polite English ways of putting things to a far more direct way of putting things. After all I not stay quiet any longer about the abuse, injustice and corruption of the current Government and Establishment of the United Kingdom as I believe it is getting time for the people of the United Kingdom to stop sitting on the fence and take sides!

So this year for me is going to be year when I start to change my life, the way I think and how I live my life in so much nearer to how I want to actually live my life not as it been living my life as others expected me to live it.

It does feel like that I am finally starting to find myself to a point of discovering who I am for real!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

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