Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLVII

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Another day at work ahead though at the moment it feel slightly out of it because I am getting used to being on anti-depressants again. On top of which the next few days I will be fighting the physical side effects of the anti-depressants which include feeling sick and strangely can wake the depression worse before things get better.

But at least I can start again looking forward to the future and new job once I can decide what I actually want to do for a new job. Plus I am starting to think about the social side of my life again and finding Role-Playing Group in my local area so my life becomes more than just work, home and virtual worlds.

All much needed as it will stop me feeling so isolated from people and the world around me. After all writing these journals can only go so far to connect me to world but definitely better than nothing.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLVI

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It not been the best start to the week with usual issues of lack of money our end to do anything we like to do though we have managed to dodge the problem this time and highly likely we will again as we always have knack of living by seat of our pants.

Work strangely after the holiday started off remarkably quiet though I think because some people have had nasty shock they have to actually work for their living. Strangely I am filling in for the lack of capable staff at work so once again not doing the much needed job I am actually paid to do.

All I can say welcome to modern business practices when they employ too few people without the full set of skill to do the jobs they are given are in effort to keep the cost down. Then they wonder why British worker is not as productive as the Government claim as the employers fail to pay the workers a real living wage and fail to give them the training to the jobs in the first place.

Now I am back on the anti-depressants again my mind has settled down and once again can get focus on important thing again like getting new job rather than be occupied by trivial matters which frankly really should not even a second thought as I have no real control over them. It always works like this when I start off the anti-depressants something one of my Doctors claimed this never happened which just showed how little they know about depression itself.

So as usual life goes on and I am trying to focus so hard on the more positive aspects of my life in effort I can start to move forward and not get trapped in the negative aspects of my life and not move on!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLV

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Regardless I am not looking forward to work tomorrow because of the people and atmosphere I am going into which is effecting my depression adversely, I have managed today to have a better attitude about the world around me.

All helped by the fact I have managed to sit down and write some journal entries though as always never the best writing. But as always they have served their purpose in so much they help me cope with my depression and the world around me.

So in the end today has been a nice relaxing day which has got my mood in a stable and contented mood which is different and more positive than the last few days. It will be much needed in the next few days as I ease myself into work again.

I have being telling self all today that I should not allow work to grind me down as it is not that important to my life. That is I only have one life to live and get right and I can always get another job if the current one is not right. This is far more healthier view of life than lot people around me who put too much emphasis on work rather than their life.

Now I have actually dome something to find Role-Players in my local area I have started to think of the sort of Pole-Playing Game I’d like to run and going back to one of my old favourites which is a Vampire: The Masquerade Chronicle. I have always loved running such games especially when the players themselves determine the general direction of the chronicle plus I also want to find out how a Chronicle format I have played before actually pans out.

So in the end today has been a better day than in a long while and I am in the end not as worried about tomorrow and work as I was over the last few days.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLIV

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So far I am having a quiet weekend with an air of doom and gloom in the background because Monday I am going back to work after the two week holidays. I have to admit frankly I am not looking forward to going back to work not because of the job but the people I work with as I am fed up of their constant negative attitudes and pettiness over things which frankly do not matter.

Before the holiday it had ground me down to a point I was constantly tired and generally fed up with life itself to a point if I could escape it I would. What makes it all worse is the fact that not all people within the same company have such a negative and self destructive attitude if anything have far more up beat view of work in general. But as always the people around me have got into a habit of being constantly negative and not bright enough to actually see what they are doing is both destroying themselves and the team itself.

It has got so bad that some of the most experienced team members at work, including myself, are looking for a way out of the situation either within the company or elsewhere which in itself should indicate to the team as a whole something is wrong. But as always the large majority of the team at work are far too self absorbed with such trivial matters to see what is going on around them.

But when I get to work I will make an effort again to distance myself from the people around me especially on a personal level as the they are really having a negative effect on my life and anxiety part of my depression to a point it is making my life almost too difficult to live with.

It has ground me down so much I cannot even get up and actually change my life as I feel too tired and useless so I have to fight my depression again.

All made more ironic as I have such a wide range of experience of work that regardless of my age I have a lot to offer a potential employer just a shame those around me make me even doubt that!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLIII

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Another fun day ahead trying to motivate myself again to do things even the most simplest things which would not phase so called normal people. Always ends up with myself being frustrated with myself and the world around me as I never get what I needed done.

Add to this currently I am feeling tired currently which seams to be robbing my days and life. It feels like that I am sleep walking through my life which is passing me by. What makes it worse it feels like I am powerless to do anything currently.

Other than that after all the hassle of getting a Linux to work on my main computer with the Second Life Viewers it seams I still have a major issue with the Nvidia Drivers and the The X windows software. Currently this whole situation is getting very frustrating indeed as once again it is third party driver writers lack of knowledge and accuracy causing users issues.

It is one of those situations which constantly frustrates users which could be easily resolved if the developers actually did their jobs and tested the software and not push out incomplete and poorly tested software. Something which is coming an epidemic across the computer world in general.

So once again I have to fight my computer to find a solution but at least I will not have to reinstall the operating system just tweak a driver or two.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLII

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Another quiet start to the day before I slowly go through a number of chores through the day which need to be done. Though currently I do not have as much energy or get up to go for some reason even with the fact I am not working at the moment.

But I suspect the fact that I am on holiday means I have relaxed far too much to a point all I want to do is sleep all the time. Though I suspect that my depression is playing up again mostly due to the fact the frustration of my life not seemingly going nowhere again or the change is not changing as fast as I would like it too.

One job I have to do this week is get started putting the feelers out for a new job even if it is a similar position to my current position as one thing has come out over the last few months is my current work place is a very poisonous place to work not helped by the people who work there who have got into some very bad habits indeed.

So as always it is fighting myself to get something done as it is not someone else’s problem that I cannot do anything currently but mine!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CDLI

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It is half way through my holiday and currently feels like work was a life time ago. It seams so far away even to a point it’s effects it is having on me have nearly gone. Just a shame currently my home life is far from perfect but as always I will get through it because I can.

Though the first week of the holiday has seen me being very sleepy even physically ill for no real reason other than I suspect the stress of the previous few months has finally caught me up big time. Hopefully the second week of my holiday I get better week hopefully actually getting some real rest and things done.

One thing that has come from this week is I need to get into a routine writing and a specific place to write especially now I have got around to putting a notice in the local Role-Playing Shop asking for players. After all the only way I can run a Role-Playing Game involves a lot of writing on my part to hide the fact that I am not that good at ad libbing though I suspect now I have more belief in myself I bet I will be better now.

Well in the background life slowly moves forward even if life seams to be currently making things very difficult for me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

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