Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

Another week at work where I have done what I needed and sort of enjoyed my work though with all that is going on in the world it has been difficult to keep dark thoughts about what I am doing out of the back of my mind.

As I keep saying it is getting difficult to work, live even associate with people who are a part of a world which I have no faith in any more especially with the recent events both here in the United Kingdom and United States. Of cause there are those who will say I am overthinking things again but I have come the conclusion it is better to think about what is happening rather than doing what other people have been doing keeping their heads down and hoping it will all go away.

The only sad effect of the whole situation I really do not feel like talking or even interacting with people even within Second Life as such interactions feel so shallow and hollow to me currently. It does not help that most of the people in the modern world are far too self-centred and really do not have a sense of community or understanding of their true selves that they are human beings.

This is really starting to grate against me big time because in the last 15 years I have managed to get out of this habit of being to self-centred and more open with people. On top of which I have stopped living in fear of the world around me unlike a lot of people around me who have started to live in a media manufactured fear of the world.

This whole situation is starting to frustrate me as from personal experience when I lived in constant fear it did effect those around me in an adverse and very negative way indeed. I am now learning it is not a very pleasant experience to live around people who live in fear as their fear destroys friendships and makes interaction with them on a rational level very difficult to do.

I am going to have to find a way to start to cope with such people around me or simply start to remove the people from my life as currently they are not contributing anything to my life other than aggravating an anxiety I had just learn to control and live with.

Plus they are draining me of my creativity and zest for living the negative effect of their fears is literally making me feel tired and lethargic all the time. This to a point all I want to do is sit around and do nothing other than watch inane television programs.

Once again I suspect my writing and role-playing games will keep me focused on more positive things again and give me some real hope I can survive the onslaught of what is happening around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

It has been another quiet week at work sitting in a cabin directing people to temporary store which has allowed me to catch up with some much needed reading and writing though this week strangely BBC Radio 4 Extra has distracted me. It reminded me who good radio drama and comedy could be even in these times of television and the internet.

I should not be surprised as radio much like books allow you to use your imagination to picture what is going on rather than giving you images and word on a plate as television and film does. It has been a pleasant experience using my imagination to put picture to the words plus it has given my imagination much needed exercise.

As always good things soon come to the end and next week I go back to working in the store on someone else’s terms some of which really lack imagination or motivation to actually want to do anything. I keep saying I should change the environment where I work from one which I plod along to one which actually challenges me more on an intellectual level but currently all I want to do when I get back from work is sleep.

As always it getting the motivation to change something I constantly find a issue currently never helped by winter and Christmas which usually means I go into hibernation mode due to the shorter days and unnecessary pressure at work. But at least this year I will not have to cope with the daily commute to work in the car which has helped me more this year.

So as always over the next few months my writing here and now Role-Playing will give me a sanity and a solid basis for my life something my work has not done in a very long while.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

It has been a strange few weeks as work has consisted of sitting in a cabin directing customers to the temporary store which has had wonderful effect of taking out of the store at one of the most stressful times as two stores merge and being refitted at the same time.

Over the past week or so I have managed to catch up on some reading and write much needed one off role-playing scenarios just in case I may need them for future meetings at the local Role-Playing group.

All this has been very beneficial to my well being as for the first time in a long while I actually feel like I have achieved something real rather than just treading water because of the environment around me stifling me as it has been doing.

At least when work gets back to normal it will be into changing of a store into a brand new refitted store with all the hype and optimism which goes with it. Sadly that will not last long as a lot of people around me will find ways to but a dampener on whole thing it their little ways.

Only thing that sort has come of a bit of a surprise just how much writing takes out of me as at the end of the day all I want to do is sleep. It must be for the first time I have actually used my brain, imagination and creatively to it full capacity a very tiring and pleasant experience indeed.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

I have to smile I used to be such a quiet person who accepted what was going on in the world but over the last year I have seamed to of woken up to the injustices of the world around me even before the advent of Mr Corbyn in the Labour Party. I cannot be meek or quiet about them any more as their very existence greats against my very soul and morals which make up what is me.

This is start to colour my life in a more positive way though it will make certain people’s lives around me, especially at work, more difficult as I become more confident and clearer in my beliefs, politics and what I actually want to do with my life.

I am fed up of being blown around by the winds of life caused by people around me pushing me in to places and roles I really have no interest in any more. I am being fed up of those people around me who show real lack of empathy, humanity even a basic understanding that not all people think, believe or want the same.

The latter point has always been bane of my life even recently as if I can understand that people are all different that is not all of them are intelligent, they have different motivations and even different beliefs, I cannot understand just why anybody else cannot do the same. I may be giving people here the benefit of the doubt and some people may well lack this ability to put themselves in others shoes.

Add to this because I have done something about my depression over the past few years I have had to learn a lot about myself and what makes me tick to a point I now have a deeper understanding of myself and what I can actually achieve. The biggest revelation of all this process being I can actually express myself eloquently in both spoken and the written word some thing I was told by my peers since my childhood I could not simply do because I was not bright enough.

Over the next year I will start to live and work how I want to not how others think I should live and work especially as they way they do things seams very flawed to my way of thinking. I have only one life to live and over most of my life I have lived a life everyone else wanted me to live not the life I wanted to live.

In the end if I do this I will start to feel much happier in myself though I suspect a lot of people will not see the subtle change in me but it is something I need to do to fight my depression and finally move on.

There will also be a change in my view of work, especially with my current job, in so much it’s will stop being the focus of my life and what a job has always been that is an ends to a means that is to pay for the bills etc. What happens outside of work will become far more important part of my life and over the next few years I will find ways to reduce the hours I have to work so I can do a lot more outside of work especially explore if I can actually write.

So things will start to change in my life all for the better over the next year.

I will finish with a little bit of irony as I suspect my managers think I actually get excited about the figures and targets we have to get to work and I have never had the heart to tell them the truth in so much I have no real interest in them in a business sense because in my opinion they have little true relevance to way a business is really running and are just indicators of trends and priorities. The truth is I am more interested that they are numbers and statistics in an academic exercise rather than something relates to the real world. Highlights again that I think differently to people around me something some people still cannot grasp.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLVI

Posted: 23 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

It has been one of those few days when I really did not want to interact with people as currently I really cannot feel anything other than anger with everything around me. I get days like this and it can be a real pain for those who have to deal with me.

Though the last few days have not all been bad as I have everything sorted for the high octane Vampire: The Masquerade game I am running Sunday which should be one hell of a game as things come to the first major break point in the chronicle.

I already have ideas for the next part of the Vampire Chronicle which should change tac from my players meeting people to them consolidating their positions within Chicago of the world of darkness. It will become even more dangerous for the player characters as they will not be new in the city any more.

At least one thing in last few days has been far more positive and something I will keep hold of to stop me falling back into the dark place I have been last few days.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLV

Posted: 19 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

This morning is a morning of unscheduled writing mainly because it is currently my only tool to do something about what I see what is wrong with the world around me. It helps to keep my frustration, anger and my depression in check while giving me way to voice my opinion about what is going on though sadly ignored by most as they tend to think it yet another idiot ranting rather than listening. This is sad reflection of our modern world when people are happier to conform rather than listen to someone who saying something different.

I am surviving another long run of shifts due to the corporation changing the day of their promo in the faint hope they will get one over their rivals. Personally like everything they do currently seam very pointless as they really need to change the way they do their business on a far more fundamental way but as always they are ruled by profit and lack of real imagination and innovation.

But at least there is now on the horizon a real hope the world will change and in a peaceful way. All very overdue as currently I feel I am living in a world which is stagnating, unimaginative run by people who simply do not understand what they are doing on so many levels.

Hope currently keeps me going in this dark background as it gives me the strength needed to wake up, go to work and even have a life. If I had no hope I would start to fall into the clutches of my depression again as currently the world around me is determined to destroy itself because of it own apathy and laziness.

Hope and dreams are a very good tonic for my depression and I suspect I am not only one who feels that way.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLIV

Posted: 15 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

This is now one of my rare visits to my journal currently as a combination of my role-playing and my laptop dying in the past month means I do not sit in front of the computer as much nowadays. This sort of reflects the mixed fortunes of the past few months though they have not been bad they have made things a series of battles to be fraught and won. As always it is way my life seams to go all the time.

The laptop can be easily fixed but as always it is finding the money and time to do it as so many other things are competing for both currently.

Though my life sounds bad on the whole it is really not because of the Role-Playing which I seam to have relearnt the art of storytelling again though I still have to regain the confidence within myself that I can actually run a lot more type of games than I can actually think I can.

But like all story writers I am constantly racked by self-doubt that I can actually do what I am doing in the role-playing game and the constant frustration of thinking up unique or interesting stories which will enthral my players in my role-playing game.

I do really need to start reading seriously again to get my imagination and creativity working again as the past 10 years of my job really have not helped either because it is not exactly taxing on my imagination or creativity. Though it has taught me to be more sociable and talk to people again.

Talking of the job I have been given an opportunity to change my role at work which I may take even though it will drive me mad because if I continue in my current role it may start to have a very detrimental effect on my depression and anxiety. It is not that I dislike my current role at work but there are things which will happen around me which will start to effect me in a very detrimental way.

Add to this another change of role may bring something lacking in my job something different and new to do in a new store. It may even give me an opportunity to change things outside of work.

All in all it has been a mixed few months and I am still here even if I am much the same inside.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.