Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLVI

Posted: 23 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

It has been one of those few days when I really did not want to interact with people as currently I really cannot feel anything other than anger with everything around me. I get days like this and it can be a real pain for those who have to deal with me.

Though the last few days have not all been bad as I have everything sorted for the high octane Vampire: The Masquerade game I am running Sunday which should be one hell of a game as things come to the first major break point in the chronicle.

I already have ideas for the next part of the Vampire Chronicle which should change tac from my players meeting people to them consolidating their positions within Chicago of the world of darkness. It will become even more dangerous for the player characters as they will not be new in the city any more.

At least one thing in last few days has been far more positive and something I will keep hold of to stop me falling back into the dark place I have been last few days.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLV

Posted: 19 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

This morning is a morning of unscheduled writing mainly because it is currently my only tool to do something about what I see what is wrong with the world around me. It helps to keep my frustration, anger and my depression in check while giving me way to voice my opinion about what is going on though sadly ignored by most as they tend to think it yet another idiot ranting rather than listening. This is sad reflection of our modern world when people are happier to conform rather than listen to someone who saying something different.

I am surviving another long run of shifts due to the corporation changing the day of their promo in the faint hope they will get one over their rivals. Personally like everything they do currently seam very pointless as they really need to change the way they do their business on a far more fundamental way but as always they are ruled by profit and lack of real imagination and innovation.

But at least there is now on the horizon a real hope the world will change and in a peaceful way. All very overdue as currently I feel I am living in a world which is stagnating, unimaginative run by people who simply do not understand what they are doing on so many levels.

Hope currently keeps me going in this dark background as it gives me the strength needed to wake up, go to work and even have a life. If I had no hope I would start to fall into the clutches of my depression again as currently the world around me is determined to destroy itself because of it own apathy and laziness.

Hope and dreams are a very good tonic for my depression and I suspect I am not only one who feels that way.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLIV

Posted: 15 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

This is now one of my rare visits to my journal currently as a combination of my role-playing and my laptop dying in the past month means I do not sit in front of the computer as much nowadays. This sort of reflects the mixed fortunes of the past few months though they have not been bad they have made things a series of battles to be fraught and won. As always it is way my life seams to go all the time.

The laptop can be easily fixed but as always it is finding the money and time to do it as so many other things are competing for both currently.

Though my life sounds bad on the whole it is really not because of the Role-Playing which I seam to have relearnt the art of storytelling again though I still have to regain the confidence within myself that I can actually run a lot more type of games than I can actually think I can.

But like all story writers I am constantly racked by self-doubt that I can actually do what I am doing in the role-playing game and the constant frustration of thinking up unique or interesting stories which will enthral my players in my role-playing game.

I do really need to start reading seriously again to get my imagination and creativity working again as the past 10 years of my job really have not helped either because it is not exactly taxing on my imagination or creativity. Though it has taught me to be more sociable and talk to people again.

Talking of the job I have been given an opportunity to change my role at work which I may take even though it will drive me mad because if I continue in my current role it may start to have a very detrimental effect on my depression and anxiety. It is not that I dislike my current role at work but there are things which will happen around me which will start to effect me in a very detrimental way.

Add to this another change of role may bring something lacking in my job something different and new to do in a new store. It may even give me an opportunity to change things outside of work.

All in all it has been a mixed few months and I am still here even if I am much the same inside.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLIII

Posted: 3 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

Today is my last day of my holiday from work and to be frank I am currently indifferent about going back to work tomorrow as currently it really does not excite me. So today is going to be a quiet day of chores, writing and working my magic for the role-playing game tomorrow.

It does not sound an exciting day but should be a productive day at the end of which I should be happier in myself as doing things, even small things, help my own mood no end. It is most definitely a male thing.

Though currently my thoughts have gone back to the fact the way I make my living working for a business system which I have not faith or belief in any more. But like a lot of people in my position we have reconcile our principles with the fact we have make a living because currently there is no real alternative.

It does highlight I need to think of a way of making a living in a way that does not depend on a system I do not believe in and fits my principles more though as always I am at a lost what to do next.

What has also become clear over the past few weeks I need to build a real social life again as always hiding from the world as I do now really has not done me any good. It has made me far too reliant on myself and my social skills have suffered greatly.

On top of which it has had real detrimental effect on my depression and anxiety in so much it has made it worse to a point just going to Lincoln for the steampunk festival made me so anxious I felt car sick on the way there something that has never happened to me before!

I know currently the role-playing is helping me in a lot of ways but I need to do more to break this cycle of anxiety as strangely even myself I like to socialise with people and almost need it sometimes to remind me I am still human. In addition for me to write more I need to met and talk to more people.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLII

Posted: 1 September, 2016 in Journal, Life

After a few days of feeling a little down and useless finally I am starting to have a more positive view of things happening around me helped yesterday by going out for a meal. In addition today actually starting to move stuff out of the house to storage all in effort to make our current home feel like home at last.

Work may be on the horizon but currently it is a distant memory best left in the distance as I enjoy the few remaining days of my holiday writing things for the up coming Vampire Chronicle I am running locally which is all very exciting currently.

Though a little scary currently as it is all new virgin territory to myself as I have never managed to keep a Vampire chronicle going so long as they have broken up due to unforeseen circumstances. It is certainly going to test my story telling skills to the fun to keep the players interested in the chronicle as it goes along plus test my imagination to the full trying to think what happens next in the plot.

All will do myself a world of good as it will keep myself focused on a more positive aspect of the world around me as things here in the United Kingdom political and social wise are going from better to worse because a large majority of people are simply too happy to sit on the fence or hide their head in the ground in the hope it all goes away.

But there is a positive side to all this doom and gloom here in so much more and more people are starting to think they can actually do something to change the way things are here and we have something we did not have a year ago, hope. Those who remember hope will know just how much of a powerful force hope is to change the world.

As always things in my life slowly move forward in small ways this year being I now role-play regularly, we went to a Steampunk festival and finally started to sort out our home so it feels and looks like a home after being here two years.

It is better feeling that I am moving forward be it slowly rather than feeling trapped as I have been over the past few years.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DLI

Posted: 30 August, 2016 in Journal, Life

Today feels like a let down far too quiet after a wonderful weekend away from home at a Steampunk festival, The Asylum, here in the United Kingdom. Such event remind me there is more to life than the mundane patter life has become for me currently.

What it does mean today I feel really down, alone and isolated from the world around me, a feeling not helped with the perception I live in a world which currently feels dull, unimaginable and run by people who are so remote from the world around them they are strangling everything I find so dear.

These are the things which make our world magical and forward moving which include imagination, dreams and most of all hope for a brighter and exciting future which are all lacking in out modern world as people now are so afraid of them.

But I am getting off the point as the Steampunk weekend gave me something I needed to be around with people who have imagination, dreams and most of all hope who to boot were friendly and not judgemental about other people. This is a feeling I should try to regrow within myself so I stop myself feeling sorry for myself in those darker times as I would be happier in myself if I had such feelings.

On a lighter note I saw the first show of Steam Powered Giraffe outside of the United States and I was blown away by the show they put on which was far more than I even hoped it world be. On top of this I got to see Professor Elemental on stage for the first time and he was also out of this world. All in all the whole show when beyond what I expected and hoped!

It does look like I will make a bigger effort to join more of the Steampunk scene as it gives me something I need at the moment and distract me from the mundane, sterile modern world around me. It may even inspire me to move on to better things even in my writing and role-playing.

So back to the grind stone which is my life in the faint hope I can overcome the current malaise I find myself in.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DL

Posted: 11 August, 2016 in Journal, Life

It has been a long time since I have written in this journal but I have been both busy and living through another down which has robbed me of my main ability to get things done. But at least I am slowing coming out of it and returning back to a normality when I can be fully creative again.

Though my depression has not been helped by events at work and the world around me as currently the Labour Party Leadership battle here in United Kingdom and the Vampire: The Masquerade role-playing game have taken up a lot of my time lately.

Both have inspired me to be even more creative and helped to drag me out of my short down caused by my depression. Both are inspiring me to think of greater things as Labour Party leadership battle gives me hope of a real future here in the United Kingdom and the Vampire: The Masquerade role-playing game has reminded me I can run a dam fine story if I really put my mind to things.

In a strange way both are showing me currently that I can be more than I think I can be and can really change the world around me in different ways. I need to use both to catapult me on to bigger and better things in my life.

So I will be back to writing this journal every few while as things come to my mind and I once again get back into the habit again.

Watch this space!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.