Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

One of those days when I wake up overwhelmed by what I need to do to a point I am once again at a loss to know where to start which always results in myself doing nothing. Though it does not help work is still draining far too much out of me even with myself trying to focus on my own job and try to ignore those around me who are trying to drag me down with their negativity.

So once again I wake up frustrated with myself more than the world around me as I have far more control over myself than everyone else. I am finding difficult to dig deep within myself as the years of allowing others to dictate what I do and believe in rather than having the confidence to plough my own path through life.

All this due my depression over the years which has dented my confidence and self-esteem to a point it really feels like I cannot move forward and make every excuse not to move forward. It as always makes me feels trapped in a prison of my own making as I cannot blame those who have surrounded me as I have always had the choice not to build the prison.

In the end it highlights that I am going to have dig very deep within myself to move forward and choose something new to focus on to break the cycle of my current life which could be earning to be real Storyteller or focus more on running better and more role-playing games.

With all this going inside things have not all been bad as I have managed to do some maintenance on my computers and web sights which included resetting up my own cloud by replacing with fork of ownCloud called Nextcloud which ended up a far better piece of software as it more open source. Add to this I have found a way via the internet to load Google Play on my Fire Tablet which has opened up a load of possibilities on the tablet.

So at the moment my life is one step forward and two steps backwards.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

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It is coming end of two weeks off work which has been largely restful though as always not as productive as I would of liked but I finally sorted out my cloud and web sites so they use a dynamic dns service which causes me no hassle. I have finally said good-bye to no-ip a service which should really avoided as it may be free but is really annoying.

I have also finally got around to setting up my partners WordPress.org site on my server at home so she can build the web sites she needs all slightly long overdue on my part.

Last few days really has got me thinking that I am really wasted at work as regardless of what I think I can do, I can do a lot more with computers especially when Linux and open source software is concerned. Time to blow my own trumpet here as at home I have set up an Web Server using Apache2, Music service using Icecast, a personal cloud using Nextcloud and a number of web sites using WordPress.org. All no mean feats in themselves.

Time to really look for a job which suits my talents even better and stretches my further intellectually and creatively as what has become very clear over the past two weeks the large source of my current anxiety issues is work. Though not for the obvious reasons that is the pressure from managers to get targets but from those around me at work who cannot follow procedures or have really bad attitudes towards work and customers. Unfortunately some things I cannot control and those who can seam reluctant to do something about it.

Once again it has come to a point that I need to remind myself work is only ends to a means and ignore those people at work who cannot follow procedures and negative about work. After all, all they have been doing is making me feel worse than I should.

Add to this I should start to make effort doing more things outside of work including more writing, more role-playing and start to explore the possibility of becoming a traditional storyteller. All in the effort to counteract the issues at work and put more positive slant to my life.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

It is one of those days when I feel lost with so much I want to do but I have no idea where to start which is frustrating me terribly. I know it is a matter of finding a starting point and knuckle down to finally start to move forward.

I suspect it is also due to the fact it another start to a week which brings the usual Monday morning blues even if I am not at work. Add to this I was little disappointed last night with some people around me in so much they are very happy to stick with what they know and not be brave enough to try something new.

Though I was not a total loss as I managed to test a Role-Playing game to see how easy it was to run which turned out to be very productive in the end. In itself it was a confidence builder in so much I actually tried to run a role-playing game from scratch with little preparation and it worked remarkably well. This is something I have only started recently as most of my life I have convinced myself I could not ad lib and needed to always be prepared with very detailed notes. Yes, these have their place in role-playing games but due to player actions the ad libbing skills are also necessary for someone who runs games. Such skills can only enhance the experience of the role-playing games I run in the future.

So in the end with all the disappointment the previous night it was also was an evening when I moved forward as a story teller and grew in confidence. This makes how I feel this morning almost strange as I should feel elated as last night I moved forward not backwards.

Though writing this seams to make me feel much better as it is focusing more on the positive side of things than negative side of things.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

With one shift to go at work before 2 weeks holiday from work something I am really looking forward to as it will give me a chance to catch up with many things. Since I am back on some form of medication things have become easier again for me though I am starting to get restless again but in a good way. That is unlike in the past the restlessness is not caused by my depression but by a real feeling that there has to be more to life than I have at the moment.

Though the only thing which does frustrate me is the fact for some reason I am afraid to change the little things in my life and start a new direction. I really do not know where this fear is coming from but it is currently deep seated inside my psyche at the moment. I am going to have to dig deep inside myself to move on and stop worrying what effect changes will have on the people I know as after all if they are real people they will understand why.

Though small steps have been made with finally myself getting round to revamping my personal web site something which is long overdue though it does need more work done on it but at least it is usable. Those who are interested the site has the address http://thesteampoweredstoryteller.duckdns.org/ though be warned it is still work in progress.

Add to this, I know it is only a small thing, but someone asked me to sign someone leaving card “The Steam Powered Story Teller” but it is certainly inspired me to start to reinvent part of myself as The Steam Powered Storyteller and find a way locally when I can become a real Story Teller rather than Game Master with respect to Role-Playing. Though to do this will require a lot of tact and diplomacy but in the end may need blunt honesty on my part.

So in the grey mundane life called my life there is some bright lights of change and hope starting to poke through.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

It is getting high time that I need to start to re-evaluate my life and it’s direction as currently it feels like it has no real direction just drifting from one day to the next with little and no colour to it. Though the anti-anxiety pills are giving me back more clarity currently and may eventually put me in a position to move forward finally.

Myself I certainly need to move forward with my Role-Playing to a point I write more and run more games which will mean I need to stop being distracted by other things at home which include playing inane games on my tablet which currently mean I waste whole days doing nothing. Currently it feels like I am almost afraid to write or move forward as if an apathy has grabbed me.

Though what does not help is the fact I exist in a country and society very intent on self-destruction which suppresses individualism and promotes the twisted ideals of nationalism and patriotism. This singular fact makes my life a purgatory as existing in such a society is contrary to what I need at the moment. I need to be in a society which stimulates my intellect and creative side not one which insists on suppressing such things as our current society does.

It seams I must dig deep inside myself and change myself by breaking the cycle which our society has trapped me in which will be far from difficult. I will have to fight off the fear of change which has been forced on to me by those around me who insist of subtly forcing me into a mould I do not want to be in.

So ahead is a lot of work on my part which starts with myself as if I want to change I need to start with myself not those around me as I do not have control over them but only myself. So which me luck over the next few months.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

As life once again returns back to normality after the past few weeks of disruption, it is time for me to get back to writing and role-playing with a vengeance as it long overdue I get back before apathy gets me again.

I have a exciting ending to the Vampire: The Masquerade Role-Playing game to write as the player actions have certainly put the cat among the pigeons. They are certainly heading for a big climatic end to the chronicle which should be fun to write and play. This should be enough to get me writing again by itself.

The only real blot on my life is work again but not for the obvious reasons but because of the general atmosphere there caused by people getting upset over things which frankly do not matter and not making the best of a difficult situation. Currently I am bit sensitive to it because I am fighting my depression again and really do not need to be surrounded by such situation as it is making the whole process far more difficult than it needs to be.

Unfortunately you cannot control what people do or feel around you other than comment that their actions are not helping you though they do not have listen.

Now it is a matter of myself deciding which direction I want my life to go in and how to achieve it though currently I really have no idea or inspiration how.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

The past weeks I have felt like a whole tonne of bricks have fallen on me which should really not be a surprise after the last weeks when my partner had to go into Hospital for an operation now they have to rest for two weeks at home. It has been a stressful last few weeks with long days as I still had to work and visit my partner in Hospital. Add this the worry what is wrong with my Partner could be more serious but in the end it was not and it should hopefully make life better for them in the end.

I think this week all the issues of last week have finally crashed in on me big time making me feel very tired, lethargic and down a little. Though not helped by issues elsewhere the sort of issues which sour an atmosphere and make things more difficult for all those, especially myself, around them.

Currently I am really not pleased with some of the peoples actions and attitudes around me as I have just had a long and difficult few weeks in which someone could have been in a far worse position than the people in question. All made worse by the fact their attitude are over trivial matters which do not involve matters of life and death but those matters that in the bigger scale of things amount to nothing.

I am starting to question certain parts of my life and people I am associating with because they really not doing me any good both physically and mentally. It is becoming clearer in my own mind something needs to change in my own life as the constant feeling out of sorts with the world around me is very tiring.

But as always I am trapped in a vicious circle as because of this feeling constant tired means I cannot make the change needed because I do not have the energy to do so. Looks like I may have to do something dramatic to break this cycle just what I have not decided yet!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.