Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLV

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Today is going to be a day of rest of an aching body and mind after 5 days what can be called hell all caused by those who really do not think through the effect they have on those around them. Sadly nothing new there and as frustrating to me as per usual.

It was one of those situations when the people involved should of stepped back and thought rather than react to a bad situation which made everything worse rather than better. There is only one real excuse is that it whole situation was a learning experience for all involved with the faint hope they learn from it.

In the end I survived it but it has left me very tired and worn down by a situation that should of never occurred in the first place. It gets to a point in my life if the job really worth the effort in the end as it is starting to effect my life in a very detrimental way especially with my mental health.

In the end not job really is worth the effort if it effect your health as you can always get another job but I only really have one life which is very precious indeed!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIV

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It feels like the morning after a good day a bit of a let down but it also does not help it is a Monday morning with usual blues that comes with it as old habits die hard. Though today and tomorrow have a silver-lining as I am not working and it is rare nowadays I get two days off work in a row.

Yesterday was a good day in the end though the start could have been a bit better but I was stuck on the Tech Desk yet again at work something I really do not relish any more but the end of the day was so much better and a lot more successful than I expected.

I finally ran my first Role-Playing Game after 5 years of a break helped by the fact I have finally found a local Role-Playing group with reasonable number of players who are willing to try new and different Role-Playing games.

It all went better than I expected with all the Players enjoying themselves and getting into the spirit of the game which was a one off Traveller Scenario involving a Alien Hunt with a difference in so much the alien was a lot more powerful and technically killable, though they did find the way to kill it though they did not get a chance too.

The start of the game was a bit shaky as I was really nervous and rusty at the start but once I got into the flow of the game I remembered why I really liked running Role-Playing games as it is gives me lot of pleasure to see a story unfold especially when the players themselves create their own path through the story.

It was also gratifying the people of the group liked my more free form style of Game Mastering/Storytelling something I have always done for the last 5 years when I played and run Role-Playing Games. I tend to be someone who puts the story first rather than the rules and players before the scenario itself as I believe it makes a far more better game for the Players and myself.

So now I have finally proved to myself I can run a Role-Playing Game and I hope I have proved to the Players at the group I can run a Role-Playing game and I am not as I looked a lot of hot air. As always my depression makes things difficult inside my head as it can put real doubts in my head even if things have gone well.

So this is yet another step away from a life which had become very bland, frustrating and frankly boring. This year is still marching on towards better things for all of us here regardless of the distressing events around the world!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIII

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I have been quiet here lately as I have been busy finally outside of work finally building a social life though currently around Role-Playing Games but it is a start. It has started to do me some good as it now giving me a far more positive focus to my life away from the more negative aspects of my life which include work and everything associated with it.

It does also mean I have a real outlet for my imagination and creative sides of my character especially now I regularly Role-Play at a local gaming group though still early days still. Plus this weekend I will be running a Role-Playing for the first time in over 5 years something I am both looking forward to and nerves about. I know I can run the game but it is the fact I have to run the game for strangers which can aggravate my depression because of the anxiety it could create.

But either way this weekend is the first real step back to what I could call a normal life for me and step away from a life which has become dominated by work in the past decade. This was at the expense of my mental health and health in general so this subtle change in my life will result in an improvement in my mental health.

So over the next year I will start to play and run more Role-Playing Games and I have three ideas in the pipe line which should be very interesting role-playing game ideas to play and run. So there is a lot of work to get them up and running but they will stretch and exercise my imagination and creative side. There is a hope that they may inspire me to write more here and beyond as it inspires me to do new things.

Outside of this I am getting far more vocal about what is happening here in the United Kingdom to a point I am slowly going beyond the usual polite English ways of putting things to a far more direct way of putting things. After all I not stay quiet any longer about the abuse, injustice and corruption of the current Government and Establishment of the United Kingdom as I believe it is getting time for the people of the United Kingdom to stop sitting on the fence and take sides!

So this year for me is going to be year when I start to change my life, the way I think and how I live my life in so much nearer to how I want to actually live my life not as it been living my life as others expected me to live it.

It does feel like that I am finally starting to find myself to a point of discovering who I am for real!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLII

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It has just been a very long 6 days at work which frankly have not been the most successful for all at work. If anything is has been disastrous for some people though not all of it has been their fault. As always it would have been helped if people communicated with each other and understood that they are dealing human beings not some figures on a piece of paper.

But I am expecting a lot for people in the modern world to look beyond themselves and their jobs as that is all they know and are taught. At least I am from a generation which was taught that there is more to life than a job and you can actually have a life outside of work. Just a shame at the moment my work is making feel tired all the time.

On a more positive time because I am now regularly attending a Role-Playing Group locally which has kick started my mind and creative side to a point I want to run Role-Playing Games again. I have a number of ideas in mind two of which I have started to write the outlines to a point they can be run. Both being World of Darkness Chronicles though their natures are different and very contrasting. But it is good to be writing again something which keeps my mind off the troubles of my life even bringing them in to perspective.

Though I am experiencing the usual frustration of finding players not helped by my depression convincing me people at the Role-Playing Game really do not like me. I know this is not true as after all I suspect they would of made it very clear I was not welcome. One of the wonderful tricks my depression plays on me and why the fact that I am attending the group in the first place a triumph over my depression as normally I would find an excuse not to go or return.

So life still moves on slowly but at least it is forwards now not backwards!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLI

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After a careless remark which has tweaked my depression big time to a point that it almost ruined last night at the role-playing game and certainly ruined this morning, I have spent the morning writing. It may not be the best I have written but it has released much of the issues the depression and made me feel much better in myself.

Though I suspect that few people around me will fail to understand why writing helps me but it gives me a much needed release for my anger, frustrations and hurt which if left inside my head would end up festering. This as always ending up with me feeling far worse and down on the way down into the dark place called my depression.

Not all has been bad in my life currently as now I have new focus outside of work in the form of a Role-Playing Group locally which is certainly inspiring me to write and create for role-playing games. Add to this it is a very positive aspect to my life which is much needed currently with all that is going on around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXL

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It is turning up to be one of those mornings when my depression robs me of the ability to actually feel happy even enjoy the fact that regardless of the few usual issues everyone has with life that my life is relatively good currently.

What ever I do this morning nothing is going to satisfy me or even make me feel remotely happy as if such feelings have left my repertoire of feelings I can have. It always end up with myself feeling disconnected to the world around me and only going through the motions of living and being a human being.

There is no real reason this morning why I should feel like this as I enjoyed a role-playing game last night which only thing it did was to make myself over tired last night which lead to an accident in the kitchen due to it.

So today in the end is a matter of living and working through the day in the hope I can pull my mood up as hopefully work will keep me occupied enough to forget these feelings.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXXXIX

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Already the decision to attend a local Role-Playing group is already starting to pay dividends especially at a time I am worried about our future here because of the EU referendum whose result will determine if I want to stay or leave the United Kingdom which is a very big step but I may not have a choice if things here go really bad.

So the fact I now have something more positive to focus on which allows both my imagination and creative side to come out has given me a more positive attitude in general almost to a point putting work back into perspective in so much it is a ends to a means to earn enough money to live comfortably and nothing more, currently.

It has also got me writing again though currently adapting the 13th Age world to fit my own style of running games and my personal ideas of the world. As I said before so I should be more comfortable to run a game within a world which has my own touches plus it means I will have a better feel about the world as I created my own version.

Hopefully this will start to spin off in myself writing elsewhere especially more of the story snippets I write for my Patterns in the Static journal. Plus finally get me moving in my life in general in so much finding a new job and the such as it distracts me from my depression and issues caused by work and life in general.

Once again this year it is starting with a more positive feeling even with potential clouds on the horizon which means we here are more likely to ride these issues with a far better attitude and less worrying.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

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