Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVIII

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I have been cold today which is usual for late May which at the moment is making a mockery of the global warming argument who strangely keeping very quiet. It is not doing my mood much good as I rather be warm this time of year as it always makes me feel a lot better. I am hoping it gets warm again as I could do with the boost in my mood currently.

Other than that it has been interesting week away from work doing my civic duty serving on a jury in the local Crown Court which turned out it did me a lot of good as I had a break from work. It also highlighted just how toxic the atmosphere at work has become to a point it has started to make me feel ill.

The only thing which made the Jury Service a lot more stressful than it should of been was the fact the company I worked for did not have the good grace or real sense of civic duty to pay me during my Jury Service and expect a poorly funded Justice Department to foot the bill of the lost of any earnings.

I know companies have the choice if they pay someone or not during anyone’s Jury Service but I find it very low that modern companies choose their profits before their civic duty to the country as after all they have same civic obligations to the country which allows them to do business so by not giving something back other than taxes it really shows their disrespect they have for the country and it’s justice system. But their actions reflects the modern morality of business who put profits before everything else!

Now I have that off my chest the past few week have not been that bad if anything very successful outside of work with my first two sessions of my Vampire: The Masquerade Role-playing Game run at a local Role-Playing Group going down well with my Players. It seams I have not lost my knack of running Role-Playing Games if anything it was a lot easier than I expected. Though I still get very daunted by the prospect of the next session as in the background my lack of confidence still plagues me.

So it looks as if my Role-Playing will go from strength to strength as I play and run more Role-Playing games so currently it looks like I have a rosy future there which should start to lead to some more interesting possibilities outside of work.

In the end after today at work I really do need new possibilities even with work as it was not a very auspicious start at work as I have only been away from work for just over a week and the store looked a mess. Those responsible really did not care or understood why that is was so bad.

Work depending on a few and allowing others not to care they are really making a rod for their own backs so if those they depend on either leave or turn around and say they have had enough they are royally screwed!

But as always in the modern world people rarely look beyond their own noses and they really lack an understanding of their own effect on the people and world around them!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVII

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It is high time I start to focus the positive aspects of my life and work and let go of those negative aspects of my life as for far too long they have been destroying me from the inside. Always results in myself feeling down and useless in the end.

It is one of those times to count my blessing as in the end I have far more than I actually think which include managers who are prepared to push me forward and support me in my work, an outlet for my creative and imaginative side just to name a few.

But the hardest thing for me currently is not allow those negative things around me overwhelming me to a point that I feel that I am drowning but it is not me who is having the issues but those around me. I should remember the simple fact that as long as I do my best and work hard is all I can do and stop worrying and covering for those around me who are failing or not caring.

In the end they are not my responsibility and I owe them nothing as I have always lived a life my way especially in recent years not a life which everyone expects me to live. In the end it is only way to live life as it is less stressful and enjoyable.

In the end it is the time to count my blessings and let go of everyone else’s shortfalls as it is their problem not mine!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLVI

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Last few weeks have been hard work on so many levels to a point the strain my end is starting to show in constant irritation. All this not helped by financial worries due to the prospect of Jury Service which has been made worse by company expecting the Jury Service to pay my wages while I am there. It is yet another nail in the coffin for me working where I am now it is getting myself moving to change jobs and find that elusive place which actually puts people first rather than currently who put business first at the expense of people on far too many levels.

Other then financial issues the Jury Service will give me a much needed rest away from an environment which is toxic on so many levels add to this a rarity a regular work pattern something sadly lacking currently. It will mean for two weeks I can plan my life rather than currently when I have to adapt my life to work pattern which on so many levels is wrong on so many fundamental levels.

Life is not all bad currently as I have finally got back to Role-Playing again regularly with a local group which finally means I have more of a social life locally outside of work which is starting to have a more positive effect on my life. That is rather than constantly thinking about work and more negative aspects of the world around me, now I can focus on something which is far more positive, constructive and exercises my imagination something which is long overdue.

It is a lot of work currently as I get back into both running and playing Role-Playing but as I get back into it everything will get much easier and to start to flow easier. It will also have a knock on effect of giving me a far more positive view of life and more energy to do other things rather than moping around feeling sorry for myself.

Finally I have started to run a Vampire: The Masquerade Role-Playing game at a local group which first few sessions have gone better than I expected all helped by a group of players who have thrown themselves fully into the idea of the game. They have created some wonderful characters which I can create a wonderful game and stories around.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLV

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Today is going to be a day of rest of an aching body and mind after 5 days what can be called hell all caused by those who really do not think through the effect they have on those around them. Sadly nothing new there and as frustrating to me as per usual.

It was one of those situations when the people involved should of stepped back and thought rather than react to a bad situation which made everything worse rather than better. There is only one real excuse is that it whole situation was a learning experience for all involved with the faint hope they learn from it.

In the end I survived it but it has left me very tired and worn down by a situation that should of never occurred in the first place. It gets to a point in my life if the job really worth the effort in the end as it is starting to effect my life in a very detrimental way especially with my mental health.

In the end not job really is worth the effort if it effect your health as you can always get another job but I only really have one life which is very precious indeed!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIV

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It feels like the morning after a good day a bit of a let down but it also does not help it is a Monday morning with usual blues that comes with it as old habits die hard. Though today and tomorrow have a silver-lining as I am not working and it is rare nowadays I get two days off work in a row.

Yesterday was a good day in the end though the start could have been a bit better but I was stuck on the Tech Desk yet again at work something I really do not relish any more but the end of the day was so much better and a lot more successful than I expected.

I finally ran my first Role-Playing Game after 5 years of a break helped by the fact I have finally found a local Role-Playing group with reasonable number of players who are willing to try new and different Role-Playing games.

It all went better than I expected with all the Players enjoying themselves and getting into the spirit of the game which was a one off Traveller Scenario involving a Alien Hunt with a difference in so much the alien was a lot more powerful and technically killable, though they did find the way to kill it though they did not get a chance too.

The start of the game was a bit shaky as I was really nervous and rusty at the start but once I got into the flow of the game I remembered why I really liked running Role-Playing games as it is gives me lot of pleasure to see a story unfold especially when the players themselves create their own path through the story.

It was also gratifying the people of the group liked my more free form style of Game Mastering/Storytelling something I have always done for the last 5 years when I played and run Role-Playing Games. I tend to be someone who puts the story first rather than the rules and players before the scenario itself as I believe it makes a far more better game for the Players and myself.

So now I have finally proved to myself I can run a Role-Playing Game and I hope I have proved to the Players at the group I can run a Role-Playing game and I am not as I looked a lot of hot air. As always my depression makes things difficult inside my head as it can put real doubts in my head even if things have gone well.

So this is yet another step away from a life which had become very bland, frustrating and frankly boring. This year is still marching on towards better things for all of us here regardless of the distressing events around the world!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLIII

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I have been quiet here lately as I have been busy finally outside of work finally building a social life though currently around Role-Playing Games but it is a start. It has started to do me some good as it now giving me a far more positive focus to my life away from the more negative aspects of my life which include work and everything associated with it.

It does also mean I have a real outlet for my imagination and creative sides of my character especially now I regularly Role-Play at a local gaming group though still early days still. Plus this weekend I will be running a Role-Playing for the first time in over 5 years something I am both looking forward to and nerves about. I know I can run the game but it is the fact I have to run the game for strangers which can aggravate my depression because of the anxiety it could create.

But either way this weekend is the first real step back to what I could call a normal life for me and step away from a life which has become dominated by work in the past decade. This was at the expense of my mental health and health in general so this subtle change in my life will result in an improvement in my mental health.

So over the next year I will start to play and run more Role-Playing Games and I have three ideas in the pipe line which should be very interesting role-playing game ideas to play and run. So there is a lot of work to get them up and running but they will stretch and exercise my imagination and creative side. There is a hope that they may inspire me to write more here and beyond as it inspires me to do new things.

Outside of this I am getting far more vocal about what is happening here in the United Kingdom to a point I am slowly going beyond the usual polite English ways of putting things to a far more direct way of putting things. After all I not stay quiet any longer about the abuse, injustice and corruption of the current Government and Establishment of the United Kingdom as I believe it is getting time for the people of the United Kingdom to stop sitting on the fence and take sides!

So this year for me is going to be year when I start to change my life, the way I think and how I live my life in so much nearer to how I want to actually live my life not as it been living my life as others expected me to live it.

It does feel like that I am finally starting to find myself to a point of discovering who I am for real!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part DXLII

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It has just been a very long 6 days at work which frankly have not been the most successful for all at work. If anything is has been disastrous for some people though not all of it has been their fault. As always it would have been helped if people communicated with each other and understood that they are dealing human beings not some figures on a piece of paper.

But I am expecting a lot for people in the modern world to look beyond themselves and their jobs as that is all they know and are taught. At least I am from a generation which was taught that there is more to life than a job and you can actually have a life outside of work. Just a shame at the moment my work is making feel tired all the time.

On a more positive time because I am now regularly attending a Role-Playing Group locally which has kick started my mind and creative side to a point I want to run Role-Playing Games again. I have a number of ideas in mind two of which I have started to write the outlines to a point they can be run. Both being World of Darkness Chronicles though their natures are different and very contrasting. But it is good to be writing again something which keeps my mind off the troubles of my life even bringing them in to perspective.

Though I am experiencing the usual frustration of finding players not helped by my depression convincing me people at the Role-Playing Game really do not like me. I know this is not true as after all I suspect they would of made it very clear I was not welcome. One of the wonderful tricks my depression plays on me and why the fact that I am attending the group in the first place a triumph over my depression as normally I would find an excuse not to go or return.

So life still moves on slowly but at least it is forwards now not backwards!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

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