Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

Once again Autumn is here with a vengeance which as always means my mood drops and the season of colds and runny noses as always. Also never helped by the fact another peak at work starts again with all the fun of Black Friday and Christmas shoppers which would have been fun but for the fact modern people are not quite as friendly and patient as people were when I was younger.

It is one of those times when I am thinking of my future and wondering if everything is really worth the effort which at the moment I not thinking it is. As always never helps that I feel trapped in a situation I have no control over regardless of the fact that I do but my depression as always robs me of my confidence and inclination to do anything about it.

It has been frustrating few months as I’ve not had inspiration and inclination to sit down and write regardless of the fact my mind and imagination is full of ideas which I want to complete. Currently I am finding every excuse not to restart writing again almost as if my confidence has gone.

At some point I am going to have to force myself to start writing again as I have to as I need to stop the drifting through life as I am currently as it is not exactly productive and soul destroying for me. I need to do it for myself soon as I know it will make me feel better about my current situation.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

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At the moment it is one of those times when I am bored with life all made worse by the fact I cannot write at the moment because I lack both the inspiration and inclination to do so. Never helped currently with myself feeling I am trapped in a place I really do not want to be currently.

Even writing this journal entry currently is hard work but it is needed to break the cycle I am in currently when I need to do something to move forward rather than feeling trapped as I do currently.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

Once again I wake up not feeling as well as I should for no real reason other than I suspect that the stress from elsewhere has finally caught up with a vengeance. One of those morning when I feel like I have drunk last night when not a drop passed my lips.

At least I am writing this morning rather than feeling totally down about my life and the way I feel. There is always a hope that the day will get better for me. I need to do some writing for two weeks time along with getting some ideas from deep inside me to continue the Vampire: The Masquerade Chronicle towards a spectacular end.

Plus I really want to do some other role-playing projects as I am itching to get both started and finished.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

As always my life follows it’s typical pattern of me getting keen to move on only to find that fatigue and lack of self-confidence blunting my efforts to move forward. This as always makes feel frustrated and useless which is closely followed by myself feeling I want to curl up and hide from the world.

So once again I need to pick myself up and start to focus on the future and start to once again isolate myself from the issues around me which I have no real control over or are really irrelevant to my life especially at work. Plus I need to start writing again even if I almost have to force myself to do so as it focuses me on the more positive side of my life.

I have so much writing to do especially connected to my Role-Playing as I want to push a Vampire: The Masquerade Chronicle and Over the Edge Series forward. All because I want to start to push forward finding a group of players who want to play more story based role-playing games locally. All for my own sanity and to build a social life outside of work.

I am start to sound like a broken record but I am not moving forward as fast as I would like and I like to do it carefully rather than in a spectacular way in an effort to change my life.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

It is time I stopped being a victim of the people and world around me and look inside myself a gain the strength to become more proactive with my life. As always this is a difficult task because of my depression always giving me that self doubt and lack of confidence to do so.

I need to ask for help from someone!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

It is one of those times when it feels like the whole weight of the world around me on my shoulders to a point I just want to curl up and ignore the world around me. It has the effect of whatever I do even constructive I feel like I have not achieved anything or ever will.

All this is making me feel like a failure and it would be easier to stop totally as nothing is ever going to happen even if I push for something to happen. At the moment I am back to feeling constantly tired and trapped in a life I really do not want any more.

All this feelings are not helped by a world around me which is frankly going mad run by people who are so far removed from reality and not what is needed innovative and humane people to push the world forward. I need to surround myself with people who stretch me intellectually and creativity not people who drag me down to their level of apathy and indifference as at the moment.

So for last week I have been feeling listless, tired and useless with no end in sight which has meant I have done nothing but sink deeper into a depression and it’s viscus circle!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.

One of those days when I wake up overwhelmed by what I need to do to a point I am once again at a loss to know where to start which always results in myself doing nothing. Though it does not help work is still draining far too much out of me even with myself trying to focus on my own job and try to ignore those around me who are trying to drag me down with their negativity.

So once again I wake up frustrated with myself more than the world around me as I have far more control over myself than everyone else. I am finding difficult to dig deep within myself as the years of allowing others to dictate what I do and believe in rather than having the confidence to plough my own path through life.

All this due my depression over the years which has dented my confidence and self-esteem to a point it really feels like I cannot move forward and make every excuse not to move forward. It as always makes me feels trapped in a prison of my own making as I cannot blame those who have surrounded me as I have always had the choice not to build the prison.

In the end it highlights that I am going to have dig very deep within myself to move forward and choose something new to focus on to break the cycle of my current life which could be earning to be real Storyteller or focus more on running better and more role-playing games.

With all this going inside things have not all been bad as I have managed to do some maintenance on my computers and web sights which included resetting up my own cloud by replacing with fork of ownCloud called Nextcloud which ended up a far better piece of software as it more open source. Add to this I have found a way via the internet to load Google Play on my Fire Tablet which has opened up a load of possibilities on the tablet.

So at the moment my life is one step forward and two steps backwards.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to The Abode of The Steam Powered Story Teller.