Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

I have been quiet for last month and so as once again I have been fighting my depression again though this time on a new tack doing something about my anxiety rather than the depression directly. It has meant I have not been very talkative over the past month as I adjust to the new state of my mind.

The upshot of which it has worked and I am far more settled within myself and slowly getting back to what is normal for me without the constant worrying about small things which had started to blight my life. I can laugh again and get angry over things which matter..

Most of all unlike on the anti-depressants my creative and emotional have not been suppressed which is a far better result for myself as it is making me feel more human and more positive about things around me.

But I am starting to question things that are happening around me in my life as they are making me feel unfulfilled and do not feel right to a point I am starting to get uncomfortable. All not helped by living in a country and with people who look inwards and backwards which is starting both frustrate and bore me totally.

I need to find a place and people around me who inspire me, have real lives and look both forward and outwards as if I stay where I am any longer it will kill me. I so want to have the energy to move forward in my life as I have so much to do and currently feel I have no chance to do any of it because I am constantly fatigued.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

After over a year fighting my depression and starting to lose big time as both the mental and physical systems getting too bad to ignore, I am back to taking antidepressants again. Though as always it always strikes me as a defeat on my part as I need chemical intervention to finally control my depression again.

There is also slight change in tackling my depression rather than dealing with depression itself this time I am taking on the anxiety caused by the depression itself. It is early days so far but the amount of anxiety I am suffering certainly has started to reduce itself without too much of a loss of emotions which the other antidepressants effect on me.

Though once again I am learning to cope with a mind which is quiet again and certainly fighting just to be creative and do anything currently. A mixture of the constant fatigue caused by me slowly coming out of my depression and wonderful side effects of the tablets I am taking is making doing the most simple thing difficult and tiring.

As for being creative it currently feels like my mind has literally closed down in so much I know I am here but there is nothing but silence inside my head which is starting to frustrate me greatly. I really hope this is only a temporary effect of the tablets and as I get used to my more stable mentally it all comes flooding back.

Even the fact that I am writing this journal entry shows that things are getting back to what they were before I started to take the tablets. It is a small start but a start.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

It has been a while since I have written a journal entry though it’s not been because I am been overly busy just that I had real to say other than get angry about certain events occurring here in the United Kingdom.

The past two months has been a mixture of good and bad things though currently more bad than good.

The major worry is my currently is both my mental and physical health we has been better and it has started to deteriorate over the past month or so to a point I need to visit the Doctor before it gets any worse. All caused by external factors which I have little true control over currently which have certainly made my mental health far worse than it should be.

Last month has not all be bad as at home we have managed to move the computer room upstairs and my books down stairs so now I can write properly at a table which is great improvement from previously when I wrote on a tray on my lap which was note exactly most comfortable position to write.

Now I have a proper place to write it has already started to have a dividend as I have written more in last few days than I have done in a whole week before. It is certainly something I should of done months ago.

It also had another very beneficial effect because I am sitting in proper chair at a proper table I am not falling asleep as much when I was in a comfortable chair which in itself is definite bonus as I will feel better an stop worrying about the fact I am sleeping at the time and achieving nothing.

So currently things is a mixed bag of illness, worry and paradoxically moving forward with my writing.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

It has been one of those months when I have been fighting my depression in the background which has been robbing of the confidence and inspiration I need in the next few weeks to create a memorable start to a Werewolf Role-Playing game. It is starting to frustrate me a little as I am finding other pointless things to do to avoid facing the issue.

As always when I finally find a way to settle myself back to some point of normality the ideas will start following again though the other thing which delaying me is how to write an idea down effectively so it can be run.

This is my life currently I know things could be better but there is something lacking inside me to go looking not helped by a world around me which certainly does inspire me to do anything new. Never helps when the world around us has gone insane because there are people out there who are afraid to move forward and open their minds to things new.

It is starting to effect me in a very negative way as been constantly fed by negative images within the media and people around you eventually has had a effect on myself. It is starting to make me despair and wonder why should I really bother any more as if people cannot be bothered so why should I be bothered or make the effort!

It is as always it is a vicious circle which is hard to break and my depression loves to feed upon regardless there are small positive things happening in my life currently.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal miscellany of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

I survived Christmas and New Year with my sanity intact and started the New Year quietly though I am in the most dangerous of moods bored. But that is always the same during midwinter as the days are short, cold and uninviting so you do not exactly feel like doing anything. Personally I cannot wait for the Spring to come as the world will wake up again.

This year certainly going to be interesting year for all again and we thought 2016 was bad as it looks like 2017 could be even worse for everyone all caused by a few unthinking people putting idiots in power then complaining after the fact when far too late.

Though I suspect this year will be better for myself as my creative side has been fired by the troubled world around me so inside myself I am starting to feel better about myself and where I am currently. It also helps that my attitude to work is changing to the view I only work is an ends to a means and really not that important part of my life any more.

This year is definitely going to be busy year with myself running two World of Darkness Role-Playing games at a local Role-Playing Group. Though at the start of the year I did suffer from the evils of a creative block which luckily finally gone just in time.

Add to this I have number of other Role-Playing projects in the pipe-line for later this year which include a World of Darkness Sabbat and Changeling Chronicles. All very exciting and all will exercise my imagination and creative side to it full. All helped by group of good regular players near by.

So the world may be troubled around me but inside my head things are starting to settle down to focus on more positive and productive things. A rare thing but I am not knocking it.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

After a really stressful year full of ups and downs the end is turning out to be a far happier one with a surprise Christmas present from my parents which made our home life a lot more easier and comfortable for all of us here. This will means Christmas will be far less stressful this year which is further helped by work being far less stressful itself for me even if it is the usual busy time of year.

Work is less stressful this year as my role over Christmas is easier one than in previous years but no less important in the greater scheme of things at work. Plus any little spats at work seam more confined with those who really insist on making their own lives and everyone else’s lives more difficult but as always they will pay the price in the end.

Though there is one dark cloud on the horizon a potential battle with an utility company once again as we suspect they have gone and cocked up the bills some three years ago when we moved homes. But mystery is why it has taken them 3 years to do something about it which frankly is far too late to fix it now in my opinion. But as always the large majority of the major utility companies here in United Kingdom are criminally concomitant especially where bills are concerned and rarely learn from their mistakes.

On the side because our home life has go easier I have started to write again both my journal and role-playing something I need to do as in the new year I have the prospect of running both a Vampire: The Masquerade and Werewolf: The Wild West Chronicle for a local Role-Playing group which is very scary at the moment as ideas are not flowing out of me. But they will be certainly be a challenge which I will gab by the horns and enjoy doing.

So as the year draws to a close it is going to be a mixed bag at the end much as the start of the year but that seams to be the way of things in the modern world of ours.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Another week at work where I have done what I needed and sort of enjoyed my work though with all that is going on in the world it has been difficult to keep dark thoughts about what I am doing out of the back of my mind.

As I keep saying it is getting difficult to work, live even associate with people who are a part of a world which I have no faith in any more especially with the recent events both here in the United Kingdom and United States. Of cause there are those who will say I am overthinking things again but I have come the conclusion it is better to think about what is happening rather than doing what other people have been doing keeping their heads down and hoping it will all go away.

The only sad effect of the whole situation I really do not feel like talking or even interacting with people even within Second Life as such interactions feel so shallow and hollow to me currently. It does not help that most of the people in the modern world are far too self-centred and really do not have a sense of community or understanding of their true selves that they are human beings.

This is really starting to grate against me big time because in the last 15 years I have managed to get out of this habit of being to self-centred and more open with people. On top of which I have stopped living in fear of the world around me unlike a lot of people around me who have started to live in a media manufactured fear of the world.

This whole situation is starting to frustrate me as from personal experience when I lived in constant fear it did effect those around me in an adverse and very negative way indeed. I am now learning it is not a very pleasant experience to live around people who live in fear as their fear destroys friendships and makes interaction with them on a rational level very difficult to do.

I am going to have to find a way to start to cope with such people around me or simply start to remove the people from my life as currently they are not contributing anything to my life other than aggravating an anxiety I had just learn to control and live with.

Plus they are draining me of my creativity and zest for living the negative effect of their fears is literally making me feel tired and lethargic all the time. This to a point all I want to do is sit around and do nothing other than watch inane television programs.

Once again I suspect my writing and role-playing games will keep me focused on more positive things again and give me some real hope I can survive the onslaught of what is happening around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.