But I am not really happy but frustrated with a world and people who will not move forward on so many levels.
Saddened by a world which I perceive is stagnating on so many levels and tries it’s hardest to hammer out my hope and dreams. All in an effort to hammer me into a shape that is compliment and conforming human being to fit a remote elite’s idea of a perfect human being.
Because I allowed my depression and all this to dominate my early years of my life in the end I now feel too tired to really want to bother any more but just curl up in a ball and give up for once and for all time.
But I carry on because I am stubborn and too scared what giving up would actually mean. I put on a public face on every day and go through the motions of being a compliant and well adjusted part of a society and establishment. My frustration only surfacing in the form of anger and moaning over trivial and unimportant things.
Behind this mask and fatigue my mind and very soul really does not believe in what I do any more as I can see the flaws in our society, work and culture and what them slowly grow and destroy everything we once had for even more trivial and unimportant things than I moan about.
I have over the years I have because of my depression learnt how to hide behind a public mask of being happy and so called normal to a point I now do it unconsciously and so expertly people really notice what is underneath it.
Every few while like now the public mask breaks and real me pokes out for a short while before returning back to behind the mask.
Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.
Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.