Feeling Strange Inside!

At the moment I cannot get rid of a strange feeling inside for the last week as it feels like a lonely feeling even with the fact I have partner who lives with me and work in a job which I constantly interact with people.

It feels like I am adrift from the world lost inside myself with no way to find my way back. This is even with the fact that I am on my anti-depressants which are stabilizing my moods but something else is happening inside my mind which frankly not that pleasant at the moment!


Please Note: If want to view my Second Life Journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Please Note: If want to view a Second Life Wikipedia then go to the Encyclopedia Umbra Machina.

The Emptiness Inside

At the moment I am back to having the feeling of the emptiness inside emotionally which if you have been is not a very pleasant place to be both for myself and people who are close to me. I know what causes it which is my depression but I don’t know the reason why yet other than the stress around a certain situation I have in my life.

But this emptiness is the first feeling I get as I start to build up my wall against the world as my mind switches off it real emotions to protect itself from the world in general but at least this time I can see it start to happen.

What is very worrying is the fact that I’m on anti-Depressants which should help to stop my mind doing this all they seem to do at the moment is slow the process and keep the really dark thoughts out of my mind which at least gives me time to do something about what is going on.

At times depression can be very de-humanising turning someone into an unemotional human being who cannot relate to those around him and the world around him.

If this process continues I may have to get professional help.


Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

The Forgotten Side of Depression

There is a side of depression which I suspect that people who never suffered with depression don’t even know which is the physical side of the illness. When my depression is active my whole body is racked with aches and pains with constant problems with my stomach. It can make whole experience of suffering depression far from pleasant and comfortable.

I sort of know why it occurs as when in depression my body is held at constant Fight and Flight mode the natural reaction we have when we are threatened or frightened but not a healthy state to be all the time as potentially it could be very damaging to the body. So far I have been lucky as the years of my depression has not done too much damage to my body.

I know these physical symptoms of my depression occur as soon as I return to taking anti-depressants a lot of these aches and pains go along with constant stomach problems with the added bonus my body in general relaxes. Always by itself makes me feel much better and relaxed.

It is should not be really surprising that depression has a physical side considering the control the brain has over the body so chemical imbalance there has a big effect on the body.


Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Inside a Quiet Mind

Since this time I’ve been starting my anti-depressants my mind has quietened down a lot free from the dark and obsessive thoughts. This was a bit disturbing at the start but as I’ve got used to it it is a very pleasant place to be for myself.

Finally my mind is free to think of other things which are much more productive than the old dark and obsessive thoughts but my depression has sort of unfocused both my creativity and imagination. This not helped by the fact because of my depression I have not used my creativity or imagination because my mind was so cluttered with other useless thoughts.

Now it is a matter of time before my creativity and imagination starts to work again as I get better something I am really looking forward too but I do now it will take time and relearning on my part.

So at the moment I am enjoying my quiet mind and the peace it being me.


Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Escaping From a Dark Place Again!

Since I’ve started my anti-depressants again I have started to climb out of the dark place that is was my depression though unlike last time something is very different to last time. It may be this time because I have a Partner, blog and regularly visit Second Life as this time I am more creative and imaginative than the last time.

It is still a bit slow and unfocused at the moment but it does give me hope that this time as I get better my creativity becomes more focused as I know it will make myself feel so much better creating things again even if it a computer code or personal web site.

The constant frustration over the last few years while in my personal dark place was the fact it had robbed my creativity and energy to do anything. It is a horrible place to be when your mind is racing with ideas with no way to get the ideas out of your head. It makes you feel like you are a failure as an intelligent person.

I have once again hopes for the future as I slowly climb back to a lighter place from the dark place of my depression with the hope that I finally find a way to really control my depression so I can live a better and more fulfilled life.

There will some out there who will say that myself going back on the anti-depressants is admitting defeat but those who have been where I have will understand the anti-depressants give me time and space to get better. It is better to do something rather than keep suffering because of stupid pride.


Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXVII

It seems to me I am using this journal to escape the boredom of my life at the moment and as a way to reconnect myself to a world which is slowing slipping from my grasp behind a wall of my own building!


Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXVI

It suddenly occurred to me what scared me more about death which not death itself but the fact I will cease to exist!

This sort of explains why I do not like sleeping as I sort of cease to exist in my own mind for a short while.


Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXV

I still find it highly amusing that people without mental illness always think that someone with mental illness is highly contagious in so much they will catch it if they stray too close to someone suffering a mental illness.

Where did they get this idea in the first place?

 

Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXIV

At the moment the most frustrating thing is my lack of creativity and ability to focus on anything. It is currently driving me up the wall!

 

Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXIV

One of the more unpleasant things with general stress in my life is that it always triggers my depression with all the wonderful physical and mental problems which accompany it.

The most disturbing thing of all being the fact I start to build my wall up again against a world I perceive as hurtful and dangerous. It does mean I’m more creative but at a cost which is a little too high as it becomes impossible for me to actually feel any emotions at all. For those who have been there it is both disturbing to yourself and those around you.

At least this time I know what are the signs to look for so I can fight it plus I also know what needs to be changed in my life to combat the depression.

 

Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXIII

This journal is one of the very few things which is keeping me sane and grounded at the moment. Yes, things are getting that bad inside my head!

 

Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXII

I am finally getting really fucked off with people both in and out of work who make me feel so guilty for being me and having my own opinions!

Just because they do not have the balls to be themselves and are sheep does not mean I have to be the same and it certainly does not give them the right to stamp on me because I’m me!

 

Please note: If  want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXXI

Just sometimes you have to wonder just why of all the animals on the Earth Man is the only one who makes their lives more complex by their own actions?

All other animals more sensibly keep thing more simple as it save time and energy which could be better spent on more important things of life.

I suppose Man is a naturally awkward animal who either tends to think too much or, more likely the case, thinks too little about what they are doing.

 

Please note: If you want to see an archive of my older blog entries then go to my blog The Thoughts of Chairman Turner. Otherwise if you just want to see my second life blog then go to my blog Journal of a Spectral Traveler.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXX

I now find this highly amusing as people half my age are more afraid of change and anything different to the normal than myself.

You would of thought they would be a little more adventures but it seems the modern world has breed into them a mental attitude that different is bad and not good. Sad really as it does not bode well for our modern world!

 

Please note: If you want to see an archive of my older blog entries then go to my blog The Thoughts of Chairman Turner. Otherwise if you just want to see my second life blog then go to my blog Journal of a Spectral Traveler.

Ramblings and Musings of a Deranged Mind Part CCXXIX

This is one of the few times my mind id working overtime and I am not really worried or phased by anything.

This all the fun of being me and my depression when my mood start to bounce around from down to high at regular intervals which can be very quick indeed especially when my depression is getting worse.

Recently I have also noticed annoying aches and pains which seems to have no real source of reason which is always a very bad sign where my depression is concerned!

 

Please note: If you want to see an archive of my older blog entries then go to my blog The Thoughts of Chairman Turner. Otherwise if you just want to see my second life blog then go to my blog Journal of a Spectral Traveler.