Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCXCIII

Coming to end of another good week at work as I was left alone by certain Management to do my job again without the usual constant watching and asking what I am doing as in previous months. It has meant work has been a lot less stressful and I have managed to get more real work done as I am not been ranting about such minor things.

Though I cannot say that about the rest of the people I work with as I suspect something big I going to happen after end of last week as I really suspect some people are not going to be happy with what happened. When it occurs I will just watch then say to those who need it told you so.

It also helps this week that after tomorrow I have two weeks off work so I am in a Holiday mood just glad I have another two weeks to rest again as I need it. This time I am actually visiting people so even better as I will have break from my environment called home which should do me a world of good. Plus it would be nice again to mix with people outside of my own family and work.

So tonight I am in a rare thing a good mood and relaxed.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCXCII

Another work week starts a tad early this week because we had a meeting about the so called new customer plan for the company I work for which was exactly the same as last year bar they have reduced documentation associated with it.

As you gather I have grown very cynical of a company and it’s management who frankly have no new ideas and rather than look outside of the box fall back onto old ideas to get themselves out of the mess they have got themselves in. The attitude of both the company and management reflects this so well as it struck me as so tired, unimaginative and negative to a point I found whole thing very uninspiring and negative in the end after an afternoon of reflection.

Don’t get me wrong I love doing large majority of my job but that is coloured by fact of my personal views about modern corporations which in my view put profit before it’s customers and employees regardless of the fact both make them actually make their money in different ways.

But as always I have to make a compromise with my personal opinions so I can earn a living one of the paradoxes of life we all have to do but it still does not mean I agree with all what my company does and when the opportunity arises I will say so. I am not only person who does this to get through life and does not indicate a lack of character but a more realistic and workable view of life.

After a day doing few chores and working on a change of my desktop on my Laptop to see what I can do and make it more pleasing to my own eyes. I am still pleased and impressed with Crunchbang 11 as a Linux as it remarkably stable and more robust against myself generally messing around with it.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCXCI

Another good week at work in which I did prove you can always find something to do in a store if you are mechaniser or not so no excuse standing around doing nothing when the store is quiet. Though I suspect that will still not be enough for one manager who has finally shown their true colours this week.

Basically this managers technique involves the premise that even when someone is doing well never to praise them but always tell them they are doing badly and what makes it worse he is convinced that this actually works. Those of us who have worked a lot longer than the manager in question know that this technique simply does not work and in the end has complete opposite effect in so much people become disenchanted and stop putting in the effort.

This sort of management technique frankly went out with the ark as it was never found to work so I just wonder where they got the idea that it actually worked because even from the evidence of there own eyes it has far from worked and ended up with a group of staff who are disenchanted who need bribery to actually do something now!

Myself people such as this are not a threat as in truth they lack real force of personality behind the front and tend to be both cowards and bullies. I am little mystified just why the company I work for employs the manager in question as it very clear they are a very ineffective manager and causes more damage than good within the company.

Other than the rest week has gone well and the fact I could broadcast to the web was not a fluke plus it indicated just how powerful and stable Open Source Software can be contrary to mainstream software creators claim it to be.

Plus I am falling in love again with Crunchbang Linux and Debain which are both proving to be remarkably stable and usable on my laptop on which previous Linux distributions had real problems running on it. It’s just nice to have the laptop running again with an operating system which stable and so easy to use. So now I’m thinking what to do next with my computers here.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCXC

After months of feeling down a combination of warmer weather and exorcising a demon at work I am actually in a rare state of mind happy though still tired all the time. But I cannot have everything at once but a final start in the right direction.

Today after work I may be tired after work because I unlike others kept myself busy in a quiet store as everyone is enjoying the lovely Bank Holiday weather rather than shopping. It is a sad thing at work a large majority of my work colleagues would stand around doing nothing rather than find something to do including much needed cleaning and tidying of the store itself after all they have people like myself to do it for them. The upshot of which our store is getting a bad reputation of being full of lazy salesman who rather stand around talking and messing around with their mobile phones rather than serving customers!

All this goes to show just how little work ethic the young have now and a sad reflection how my generation have poorly brought up the next generation unlike my parents who drummed into me the work ethic needed to survive working life.

Even happy I can find something to moan at but this lack of work ethic in the young I find very disturbing for our future.

Outside of work I have been making big strides in learning more about what I can do or not do with Linux and Open Source Software which I boosted my confidence no end. I had one set back with World of Warcraft mainly due to wine on Linux not doing what it should sadly. But a big plus I managed to get icecast and Mixxx to work on my laptop for me no mean feint. I actually managed to stream a short internet radio section last night though only using the auto dj function of Mixxx.

So all in all at the moment life is settled again with hope of a better future ahead. Plus my knowledge of Linux and Open Source Software and it’s capacities is growing with leaps and bounds.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXIX

There I was tonight full of inspiration and then I promptly fell asleep on the couch at which point my inspiration flew away!

Sort of sums up my life at the moment in so much I am constantly tired even after a good day at work. It sort of frustrates me again currently as I want to so much again and I cannot concentrate long enough to be effectively do anything.

So at the moment I am fighting the fatigue to actually do something constructive and not allow it to win again!

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXVIII

First day at work and I survived it though I had to man the Tech Desk yet again because one of my colleagues was off work due to the fact they had an accident which put them out of action for a while. Only problem I have with sitting on the Tech Desk at work is I spend most of the day standing around doing nothing when I rather be helping to get the store even more pristine and tidy. Plus I have to deal with those people who range from dam right stupid to rude something which constantly annoys me as most of the time it is simply not needed.

But other than that work has settled down for me with only bugbears being those at work who avoid any hard work and only do the bare minimum to get a bonus1

Saddest thing I saw today was a nice man who really cannot get on with his new Windows 8 Desktop in so much the sheer frustration he was having and we cannot help him get out of it was we as a company do not sell an operating system which he could use. Personally I find this so wrong we as a company do not give the customer an alternative other than Apple.

Other than that we replaced our router here in the hope it would solve some problems on our network with the Windows Machine but it did not as such but it has a positive effect as now we have a router which replaced the ISPs router which frankly limited our options to access the internet. At least with the new router I have a chance to open ports and actually get the likes of icecast working on one of my Linux Machines. All very exciting and full of possibilities.

We also had some better news on our moving into next town as it may be better than we expected and we are coming to the conclusion the change will do us and our job prospects good. So for once there is a faint hope for better future here.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXVII

I survived another week which both ended on a number of high notes but dampened by one down note as always but at least a minor down note in the end. For once in a long while I am not worrying about work tomorrow other than the fact it is still tiring me out far too much but I suspect that is because of by depression.

All I can say as my partner said I will be glad when this year is over as so far this year has been a year of trials after trails so far and the year has just only started. But as always we here will survive the year as per usual because we can and we always do.

I also had some success with Linux as I managed to load Crunchbang 11 onto my laptop though it is still a test version using the latest test Debain repositories it loaded onto the laptop first time with little and no problems the only problem I can see with it is that it’s slow in places especially the networking but I’m not surprised by that as it is a test version.

All I can say the Linux 3.2 kernel holds great hope as it runs well on the newer hardware than previous versions of Linux so hopefully I should not have the same problems buying a new laptop in the future.

So all in all the end of the week has been a good positive one in the end with myself not dreading the new week always a step forwards.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXVI

Well another week is nearly over with one one day day at work all due to the wonderful modern attitude that being rude to each other is acceptable behaviour. Other than this remarkably work has become very quiet and settled for once though it is still tiring me out too much but nice not to be stressed out by work at the moment.

Add to this some of our money problems may have been relieved for a while as I can earn more before it is taxed but still going to be tight which has caused constant stress here for everyone but currently I have a little extra cash which has to replace out router here as our old router is starting to play up again and we spend a lot of time on-line.

Plus we have had finally a stable week with the computer with the main windows machines actually remaining stable and not causing us here too many problems. But as always the Linux Computers have been remarkably stable once again bringing into focus just how unstable Windows is!

Well the weekend is nearly up on us here and boy am I looking forward to a peaceful weekend doing what I normally do little of nothing and trip into Second Life to see friends.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXV

Well it is the last day of my holiday which I basically hid from the world in effort to actually try to rest as work was literally tiring me out so badly I was falling asleep on my feet. But now all good things come to the end and tomorrow the cycle of work starts again!

The only good thing being it gets me out of the house doing something else and talking to people something I need to do at the moment because I am starting to close in because of my depression. I know that work and it’s atmosphere will start to bring me down again but hopefully a week away from people will have rested me enough to cope.

So I am going to enjoy my last day of freedom putting in a lot of interesting things which mostly involve sitting in front of the computer being creative again though the only downer this weekend being that True-friend.org has been down all weekend which has meant I I have felt a little more isolated from the world.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXIV

After a week of being closed and not creative I have started my week in a very creative mood all full of hope that something will actually appear on virtual paper out of my own imagination. But what it shows that my current job far than firing my imagination it suppresses it in an extremely bad way!

No wonder why my demon has been working overtime in the past year as my lack of real creativity and a work environment which discourages a real use of my creativity. For someone like myself the last few years have been a purgatory which has made me feel so trapped in a grey world.

So now I enjoy the times more when I am actually creative as I find it a realise from world around me even if it a rare occurrence nowadays.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXIII

After a mixed week at work which was both successful and unsuccessful full of an annoyance of both work colleagues and customers in a store which is a lot busier than everyone expected which has to be good. But in the end I think acquitted myself well unlike others at work who were told off for not working or doing what they should. But as always the people in question will ignore the telling off and promptly go back to their old ways once again due to weak leadership.

But this is not my problem for a week as I have week off and work can burn down for all I care as I am going to have a week relaxing and much needed rest both mentally and physically.

Only blot this week was usual person on a certain social web site who views and opinions annoy me intensely as they represent everything I hate in so much they have a closed mind on certain subjects and think money and status are all important.

Personally I find such attitudes shallow and show a real lack of individualism and character in the people who have such views. After all both status and money are modern man made constructs and deny humanities true nature.

But in the end I will true to myself and fight the good fight being me and an individual against those who can only conform and be shallow!

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXII

Well it seams the world is back to be kind to us as finally the spring weather has decided finally to arrive here which certainly made living in a house without heating a lot more easier and less of a bind.

But the effect of the stress over the past few weeks and about our future here has started to take it’s toll on us here especially myself in so much I am starting to feel constantly tired even if I get a good night’s sleep. Add to this a general feeling of being under the weather physically which in itself is a vicious circle as it always makes you feel worse because of it.

At the moment I am quieting down inside as a defence against everything around me with faint hope of things will change all in an effort to get myself back to a level state again though currently I always have in the back of my mind that next thing to go wrong is just around the corner. This is never a pleasant feeling to have and can be self propagating if I am not careful!

Saying all this with the weather getting better and work settling back into a better routine all helped with a more mature attitude from certain members of management and fact the main culprit of lot of the trouble there being off again.

At home I am back to maintaining and customising my Linux desktops to use packages which are easier to use and suit the way I use the computer with a lot of success. All this a very useful exercise as it keeps my hands in maintaining computers and keeping my research skills fresh.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXXI

Once again this week life has settled into a pattern of dull hopelessness only because if it had not we would of both gone mad by now. We are also back to making do in a house which is falling apart because it real owners will not do any maintenance required.

Amazing how a week changes things in so much this weekend I am more settled and calm than last week with some hope for the future well after all we have to hope. Add to this work went well with little or no real stress other than usual problem other people not doing their jobs.

Other than all what is going on I am back to maintaining the Linux computers here changing some of the packages to more useful and user friendly ones. It sort highlights the fact just how customisable Linux is and how easy it is to work with. More I use Linux the more I realise I missed messing around with computers on a lower level something Windows never given me since the Ms-dos days.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXX

Today is supposed to be a relaxing bank holiday weekend but in the end life throws a curved ball once again to make the weekend a far from comfortable and real pain to everyone here. All these problem seam to amount up all at once as life is saying you have found your lot so you are never going to get up and have a good life again.

I know that sounds as if I am sorry for myself but all these problems have a nasty habit of triggering my depression to a point I really do not want to go on any more and end it all in some spectacular way.

But as always my survival instinct will win out as per usual and this living hell called my life will continue with no real escape in sight at the moment!

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCLXXIX

Another weekend has come which is much like last weekend quiet and resting my aching body yet again after another bruising week at work. At the moment weeks are starting to merge into one long line of nothing punctuated by downs so no wonder I feel empty inside as my life at the moment is so empty!

Even here I cannot write much because of this feeling of being empty inside which is far from a nice feeling to have.