Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXVI

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So far having a quiet week though currently even with my anti-depressants there is the usual underlying problems with my depression causing me to get very irritable with the people around me especially those I believe are causing me and others true problems especially at work.

Though currently what really does not help my mood I am very disappointed with some people around me because of their behaviour and attitudes which frankly stink in my personal opinion. I may not able to do anything about their attitude but I can show my displeasure and dislike of their attitudes. Sadly it will not change anything but their attitude and actions will catch them up and I will get the pleasure of say I told you so.

This morning has been one of those days when I stop fighting my depression in so much it is currently waking me up before I need to in the morning after which results in me lying in bed worrying about things and the fact I cannot sleep so today I have got up. It seams to have worked as I’ve got up and not worrying about things and discovered I have had enough sleep.

Once again a week has been a long time in my depression again with my mood turning down again though currently the mood swings are lot less pronounced so not as bad as it was a month ago so things are getting better for me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXV

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I managed to survive the 7 day run of shifts without getting overly stressed by the long run of shifts but at the end the fatigue and heat within the store did catch me up slightly. It did mean I had a day of feeling light headed and dizzy especially when I bent down to do something.

But at least today I have managed to rest and recuperate so starting to feel a bit better all helped by the weather, especially this evening, being noticeably cooler giving me a chance to feel a lot more comfortable than yesterday.

We did not go shopping today but I did manage to get some chores done and amazingly some blogging done one of the entries I have been thinking about for over a week. Now I am complaining a quiet evening ahead in front of the television watching the crime series on the Quest Channel here.

I know this sounds very mundane and if anything a bit boring but at the moment both are needed as I am coming out of yet another depression as it switches my mind off things which could cause me problems later.

Only downer of the whole week is just how flat work has felt after a storming week before which has disappointed me as it was such good week. Though as per usual I am expecting a lot out of the people around me and sadly as usual they disappoint me. One day I will get over this as I should remember not everyone around me cares about things as much as I do.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIV

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This week may be a 7 day run of shifts but unlike a few months ago it is now only a minor annoyance which can be worked around rather than moaned at. As I have said before what a change a few months can make especially when I am doing something about my depression yet again.

Work is also going so much better now the depression is not colouring my views of it something a lot of people on certain social web sites and around me missed. In so much I was moaning because of the depression not because of the job which to be frank is still underpaid and it does have a few things I rather not have to deal with but it is a job I can do standing on my head.

One thing I will say I may be good at dealing with people at work but the job itself both intellectually and creativity is not stimulating enough to tax me something I now need in a job which hopefully when I start to feel better I can look for again.

It seams at the moment I have thing for being creative again something which I never regarded myself as because of a lack of confidence and self-esteem which I can put down to my early years of my life at school which knocked it out of me.

But from some people around me and those on a number of social web sites comments it seams I am far more creative than I think I am it a bit rough especially with the writing down of my thoughts but if I continue along this path this will get better with practice.

So life could be taking a new path for me if I want it to but it is now matter of being brave enough to take the plunge to chance for once and for all time!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIII

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Well it is amazing what a difference a week will make in my life especially when I am slowly coming out of a depression yet again on anti-depressants in so much work has stopped being a major problem bar usual moans at those who really do not care and life is generally starting to get easier for me.

Though there is still some way to go before I really start to become what is a so called normal person but as always it will be with my own unique slant to it as always. There are still a number of major issues I have to over come which include regaining a lost self-belief, confidence and get up and go all taken away from me by the last long down of my depression.

Add to this the fact that I am hardest on myself especially when I am not as creative as I think which successfully stops me being creative in the end. So much like sleeping I have to learn not to worry when I am not creative as like sleep it will eventually come back with a vengeance.

This has all been done with anti-depressants and start of talking therapy but it’s still going to be a rocky road back to a more dynamic and human be so watch this space!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXII

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Well it is nice to have a slow Sunday all helped by the fact the day was a lot cooler than yesterday. It has mean I have managed to actually do something constructive including some long overdue chores along with some blogging.

If anything it has been what I call a normal day something I have not had in a long time in so much it has been a quiet day with little and no anger on my part even with Ollie the dog being little annoying by bringing in half the garden because it was funny.

As before I am getting used to a quiet mind again without the constant obsessive thoughts which went around my mind when I am feeling down. It’s nice pleasant feeling as I can finally start to think of more constructive things once again though I currently have to get past the feeling sleepy and useless stage of my recovery of my depression.

I need more days like today so I start to feel human again and start to look forward to real future not the hopeless future I thought I had a few months ago.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXI

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This week has been one first few weeks recently when I have not been too worried about work and life in general all thanks to me doing something about my depression yet again. This even with the problems Microsoft caused me last week with my web sites which is resolving itself in a better way than I expected.

So all in all I am starting to find loft a little more bearable currently al helped by my partner coming back from a 3 weeks in the United States to see a friend and give her a very nice birthday surprise. I’m even starting to enjoy work again and becoming even more productive and relaxed especially with certain members of management. Though I still have some problems with certain colleagues at work but I am getting some comfort they will drop themselves deep in it and now only a matter of time.

As for the rest of my life I am slowly getting back to blogging and rebuilding my small social web site to be a more open social network but still centred around my friends and people I like to keep in contact with. Plus I am keeping myself occupied and creative by starting to sketch fantasy maps to spark off my creativity in the Role-Playing department.

I have to smile over the past few weeks this journal’s mood has bounced around reflecting my moods but that all come with suffering with depression which can mean extreme mood swings especially in my case.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXX

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Thanks to Microsoft’s actions in the United States with noip.com which directly effected me by taking down my web sites for most of the week I have once again been fighting a down caused by the upset and potential loss of over a years work.

In the end Microsoft had to give back what they took from noip.com back which meant that large majority of web sites where back again though thanks to Microsoft my cloud now has a problem and they successfully destroyed by small social web site.

It also meant I nearly gave up everything including writing this journal to a point I was seriously going to delete it and all my presence on the internet. It had disheartened me that much to a point it has taken over a week to get back in front of a computer and start writing my journals again.

It certainly has not been a good week for me though in the end I learnt something new and ended up even more determined to start to speak even more openly against Microsoft’s over inflated domination of the computer market to its detriment. Also to promote even more vigorously Open Source software and it’s benefits to users in general.

Though I will have to change my job soon so there is no potential conflict at work with my views and comments to come!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXIX

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After few weeks of taking the anti-depressants they are finally really to start to work removing all the obsessive thoughts and anger I constantly had about what was going to work on top of which I am starting to think more clearly even starting to feel creative again to a point I am starting to draw maps again.

I know I constantly start something and get halfway through it and stop as my mind wonders off especially when my depression was working over time but I expect that as my mind clears again I will start to regain my patience and willingness to complete the things. Lot of the problems I have had over the last year is the loss of confidence caused by the depression especially with thing I know and like doing.

So at the moment it is a matter of getting this confidence back again without dulling my creativity again on top of which I want my zest of creativity and for life in general to be back as the happiest of times were when I had these feelings.

I am starting to feel more settled and happier in a place which is a far better place than I was over a month ago so once again as I come out of this depression I will start to see the world, even at my age, a place of infinite opportunities and wonder!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIII

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I’ve survived a week at work without getting too annoyed with work and people around me which is no mean feat at the moment. Though this week will soon be spoilt by the return of one manager who really causes more problems than he solves and he will spoil the nice atmosphere at work currently for myself.

All this has been helped by the fact that I am on my anti-depressants which have settled me a bit though some behaviours connected to the depression are going on but hopefully actually seeing someone qualified in mental health over the next few weeks will start to solve the problem.

At the moment I am keeping my mind active messing around sketching map of which one will give me inspiration to do something. Nice to be sketching again as I may not be a good drawer but it is relaxing and very therapeutic to do something creative if a bit rough. Always helps to give me more ideas, inspiration and focus on something creative which is a nice feeling at the moment.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXII

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Halfway thing my first week back at work after my holiday and still surviving it with my sanity helped by everyone currently at work being quiet but not their usual unhappy selves. All helped by a certain manager being away which always lightens everyone’s mood as they are not being constantly criticized.

It is strange how some managers think that constantly criticizing and pressurising someone one even if they do well in the hope they will do better regardless of the fact that anyone with modicum of intelligence and experience of people would realise this has the opposite effect and in the end always breeds discontent and lack of enthusiasm in the said people. Also strangely I am seeing that at work as people are starting to want to be somewhere else not not bother any more all made worse by other allowing it to go on regardless of the negative effect it is having.

But that is people for you both unthinking, lazy and for some reason either afraid or incapable of changing their behaviour which certainly a very modern disease which is running epidemic proportions!

Just lucky currently I have started to fight my depression as this will slowly start to wash over me and become as irrelevant as the people themselves to me as in the end their machinations and little games they play. In the end my sanity, health and my loved ones around me are far more important than a job or career as after all I do not define myself by my job but as myself as individual.

Only real problem I currently facing is the constant wanting to go to sleep or feeling tired as my body starts to recover from the physical side of my depression over the last few months. Any one who has really suffered depression will already know it can also have some unpleasant physical problems including aching joints and the such.

So I am on the mend yet again though taking a different tack as I am taking advantage of the facilities available because I now live in a town.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXI

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Once again the anti-depressants have worked almost instantly as far as the obsessive thoughts and large majority of my ache and pains plus it has done the one thing that worries me every time I take them quieten down my mind. This may sound a strange thing to say but it stops me having emotions and being creative which is exactly the same position I am in when I am in the throws of my depression which is exactly what drives me into state of frustration.

Though this time I am combining it with some therapy in the hope I can actually get my self going and regain some of the confidence I have lost because of the depression this time. It’s a little frustrating at the moment I need to get a new job and start role-playing again and I cannot remember how to either currently even so I have done both before. It is a very strange feeling to have as I don’t tend to forget things so I hope the therapy will remind me how to do things again.

One thing I do find strange every time I get told by the Doctors it will take 6 weeks for the anti-depressives to work correctly and every time they almost work instantly on me over a whole range of things directly connected with my depression.

So once again and for umpteenth time I am striving forward again though I think this time I’ll learn to walk again before running and looking forward to possibilities of the future as I suspect now I have a lot more than I did!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXX

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After the visit to the Doctor today I feel a little better in myself but I still feel tired and unable to concentrate on anything really constructive but I have started another tack to learning to deal with my depression which involves both tablets and real therapy sadly only something I got with a change of Doctor and moving into town.

So now there is some hope I start to feel human again this time not at the expense of my creative side which currently I am missing big time and driving me to massive distraction.

I know the whole process is going to take time and I know why my depression has come back with a vengeance mostly due to the fact life has gone quiet again and slowly moving forward after the move in the new house at the start of this year. It as if I have relaxed and had time to think which has allowed my depression creep in because of the stress of the move itself.

I doubt I am not only one who has had same experience but nevertheless it is still not a very pleasant place to be currently!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXIX

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At the moment I want to scream with frustration at the world about me and at myself as both are definitely trapped in a vicious circle which is slowing driving me insane with inability to do nothing!

I have so much to do which includes getting a new job, finding a local Role-Players to kick start my Role-Playing again and finally get back to being creative in so much doing something I love which is creating Role-Playing backgrounds and scenarios which may or may not be used.

But as always my depression has robbed me with the focus and even the confidence to start anything as always when I start something I lose interest quickly in it or the confidence to go on even if inside I am actually enjoying the process of creation itself.

At the moment my depression has seamed to taken away a lot of my memory as a lot of stuff I want to do, especially on creative side, I have done before and if anything should of be rusty not forgotten.

But there is a faint hope I can start to do something about this malaise I find myself in as I am going to the Doctors tomorrow in the real hope I can start to get real help with my depression not as before in the form of tablets which only in the end masked the problem rather than give proper solution have to cope with it.

I really should not be surprised by my current feelings and problems as I have just gone through as stressful time of my life moving house into a new home with a number of problems including money problems. I suspect I feel like I do as now as things settle and start to move forward my mind has suddenly figured out something is wrong inside me as I relax!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXVIII

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Another day of doing nothing not because I wanted too but because I could not really focus on anything as such until tonight when for the first time today I can actually sit in front of the computer and do the one thing I have wanted to do in days is write. Sadly it is my blog not more creative things I want to do with my Role-Playing or Computer but I should be thankful at least I can still to this.

Also does not help I am still fighting my depression which is once again robbing me of my get up and go and confidence to actually do something even it is new. I really need to start to search for a job but for some reason I cannot get focused enough to actually know where to start.

There is a faint hope that when I go to the Doctors Wednesday I can start to put in place something which will put me back on to the right track of normal functionality as a human being which is not tablets or something which suppresses my emotions and get up and go again!

So in the meanwhile I have treading water of life fighting myself to swim back to the shore of normality rather drown in the pool of my depression!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXVII

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Slowly things at home are coming together with our gas hob finally being connected so we can finally cook properly at home. All made better we will still have enough money to fix the long standing problems with the fence in the back garden. All this should be a good tonic to my depression but as always it rarely works like that when my depression is working it’s hardest to bring me down again.

Currently much like end of yesterday I am fighting sleep constantly but I cannot sleep if I give in to it other than half doze usually waking up with a body that is aching or uncomfortable even in bed. Just sometimes my depression makes life so difficult and challenge.

At least the two weeks holiday is going slowly to a point it feels like another world that last week I was at work with all the trivial stress that came with it. Also add to this I get two weeks to give our dogs here the much needed attention they need from me so at least Ollie stops misbehaving because he thinks I am going to leave him.

As always my life has become a battle for my own sanity and not giving up totally!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

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