All That is Left of Me!

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At the moment all that is left of me and myself are my blogs, writing and musings here. It really feels like currently that my life is empty and hollow not helped by a feeling of being lost and detached with the world around me.

It feels like that world around me has leached all that once made me what I am. That is my creativity, imagination and love of a life which was never that exciting but interesting.

Worse still the general apathy, conformity and self centred people which surround me have eroded any confidence I had to be different and an individual to a point all I want to do is drift through a life because I am too tired to fight any more.

So all that is left of me is a hollow husk with someone screaming with frustration and anger deep within it!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Depression: The Sneak Thief!

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At the moment life in the new house is going better than we expected though still a little difficult because of the fact we have moved home with all the upheavals that causes. There are always a number of niggling problems which are far from insurmountable and with a little work will be eventually solved but life is finally more settled for everyone in the new house.

But my depression currently is making feel as if everything is wrong and the problems are major ones which are going bring us down. On top of which I am starting to worry about things which may or may not happen as if I am almost willing something bad to happen to bring everything crashing to the ground again.

It not to say that will not happen as we have no real control over such things but someone who is not suffering depression would not worry about such things because they have no real control over it.

My depression currently is being a sneak thief taking those positive and settled feelings I should have about where I am currently in my life in so much we are finally living within our means and we finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

All it leaves in it’s place is feelings of worry and anxiety over things which I have no real need to worry about, sometimes depression can be a difficult thing to live with!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Depression: Robber of the Tongue!

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It always creeps up on me the one effect my depression has on me in so much I stop talking or making an effort to talk to friends. Always for the same reason too, that is I think that they will not want to talk to me or even listen to me.

So in the end I always end up in a self imposed isolation which always makes me feel lonely and unloved especially when my friends are concerned. All not helped by the fact I cannot break the cycle so I slowly drift away from friends over the years.

This is one of the most insidious thing my depression does to me and those who like me suffer even a mild depression. At a time we need someone to talk to we push everyone away because we think no one wants to know us!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

The Undesired Effects of Anti-Depressants!

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It was not until I moved house and found that I did not need the anti-depressants as much so stopped using them did I realise just how much some anti-depressants effected my emotions to a point of overly suppressing them.

This is much as the same effect as the depression itself which can suppress your emotions to a point you cannot even feel a basic emotion or even human. So when it stuck me what the anti-depressants was much the like the depression itself though in a slightly different way.

Myself this sort of made doing something about depression almost a pointless exercise in so much what is the point if you end up in a similar state but happier. The one reason I wanted to get out of the depression was to feel human again not be an emotionless robot be it happier.

Now I know why some people comment that anti-depressants suppressed their creativity because some their anti-depressants suppress their emotions which is one of most people’s creativity or mine at least. It was one of the most frustrating things I found when I was on the anti-depressants as I love to be creative and when it was gone it also defeated the whole idea of doing something about the depression itself.

Recently I have starting to think if using anti-depressants to fight my depression was recall worth the effort as I end up in a very similar position. So it is time I talked to the Doctor about alternative long term ways to treat my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

The Effect of the Environment on My Depression!

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Since we moved house the one thing I have noticed is the effect it is has on my depression in so much I have not needed to take my anti-depressives to keep my moods stable and myself falling into a series of downs caused by crisis after crisis in our lives here.

But what it has shown myself the effect of the environment has on my depression rather than the series of crisis we all face in our lives. In my case the environment around me has a great effect on my depression.

Though I should not be surprised by this as in my old house we lived under the constant gaze of my family who constantly minded our business added to which I could never settle there as it was never going to be my permanent home in the end. All this compounded by the fact because it was in a village you needed a car to work and live so there was always a sense of isolation and being trapped. All of this fed my depression and made it worse than it needed to be.

All this has changed in the new house as we live in the middle of town so we can walk into town easily and in my case even walking to work so the sense of isolation and trapped has gone. On top of this other than paying rent to my parents we are finally free of my family watching our business so we can finally live our lives away from the prying eyes of my family. The upshot of which a lot of the problems with my depression now have gone though it still manifests itself but in far more mild downs which now last hours rather than days.

So for the first time in a long time my depression does not rule my life so I can finally start to live my life again!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Depression: Living in Fear!

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One thing I have noticed since I did something about my depression is the fact I do not live in fear any more something I had not noticed until recently.

This was at variance to most of my life when my depression was at it’s height I lived in a state of constant fear of everything ranging from dying, meeting new people even doing something new and different. My depression basically coloured my life with unfounded fears of things which I had no real control over that is my depression robbed me of my self-confidence to keep such fears at bay.

This is yet another largely forgotten side of depression which means you live life in state of constant fear which makes the sufferers life less than pleasant and helps makes life looks a lot more darker than it is. This is something I do miss since I did something about my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Writing This Blog is Therapeutic


The one thing writing this journal/blog has been very therapeutic in so much during my darkest days it has been a place to release my frustrations and dark thoughts from my mind. This may have been a bit too personal or bit intense for some people but I will not apologise for that but it was necessary.

It was early in process of me learning to control my depression I found that writing things down helped greatly as it codified my thoughts and feelings though most of all it released many trapped feelings.

I also found from what I read about depression at the start of my recovery it was a recommended thing to do by professionals and others. Personally I would recommend it as it certainly helped my recovery or in my case control my depression as it gives me a much needed outlet from dark place called depression.

The irony is in the end I found that I enjoyed blogging as if gives me something creative to do and a platform to air my views and frustrations about the world around me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

I Had Forgotten What it Was to be Normal!

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Once again I am on my anti-depressives again and after a month I am back to what everyone else would call normal in so much my moods have settled again and my outlook to life in general has returned back to a more positive one. Though I will still have downs even on the anti-depressants but they will last a fraction of the time if they occur.

So now I am getting used to my old self again though it does highlight just how incestuous depression can be in so much when I am off my anti-depressants it creeps back slowly and surely over the years to a point when it has full hold of me again to only be broken by the anti-depressants again.

But it also highlights something I have suspected in a long time that my depression has more of a physical component than a mental component though it may have had a mental trigger in the past as every time I stop my anti-depressants it returns as bad as before.

Though trying to get Doctors and those within the medical profession to take this seriously would be impossible as they always think they know everything regardless of the fact they don’t especially with mental illness. I think it is time I started to look into things myself over the next few years so I can go back to the Doctors with knowledge on my side.

But I have forgotten how good it felt to be normal again!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

The Forgotten Side of Depression!

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As I once again I am starting the slow return from a long down because of my depression using anti-depressants and during the process it is reminding me of the forgotten side of my depression.

That is the physical side of the depression itself as for us who suffer from depression know it is more than just a mental illness as by it very nature it also causes a lot of physical problems due to it’s very nature. In so much as it effects the brain directly which directly effects the body as a whole which should not surprise anyone.

Depression, especially mine, when running it full course effects my body physically in many ways the major effects being constant ache and pains, stomach problems and in the past even constant back problems. All of which strangely disappear when I come out of a depression.

This is the side of depression not understood by non-sufferers and large majority of Doctors who still believe that depression is still just a mental illness but those of us who suffer know it is far from this as it does have a very physical side to it.

It shows in way people treat depression as they fail to basically understand this effect of depression or just dismiss it as all in the mind of the suffer or someone moaning about nothing.

But as per usual these people rarely look beyond the depression itself either because of laziness or fear of mental illness itself!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Dogs are a Good Tonic


For those of us who suffer a form of a constant depression owning and looking after dogs is a wonderful tonic due to the fact they give love and loyalty back regardless of how we feel or even when we growl at them when really do not feel like company.

They lighten a world for us when all around us seem dark because of our depression. Most of all they add a much needed companionship which is not judgemental and a focus in a life which seams unfocused because of the depression.

Here our dogs help myself and my partner’s depression by just being here even when they annoy us at times.

Depressives, The Outsiders!

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Because I live within a society here in the United Kingdom which simply does not talk about mental illness as it is a big taboo even in these so called more enlightened times. All this made worse by a National Health Service which is ill-equipped, poorly funded and most worrying with doctors who simply do not understand Mental illness itself.

This leaves myself and my partner who suffer from forms of depression to fend for ourselves with no to pitiful help for our illness from a National Health Service and a society in general who try to sweep mental illness under the carpet or think it is just an excuse for people to moan or not work.

Yes, the government I trying to do something to make people more aware of Mental Illness but it is falling on a society which simply does not understand it or want to. The British public are so clued up especially about Depression there are those out there who still believe that they can catch Depression or come out with magical lines ‘Pull yourself together!’ or ‘Cheer Up!’.

So with this background it is not surprising people like myself and partner find ourselves without both the medical and financial help we need when the depression is bad and we cannot work because of it.

What is even worse I have live in a position of constantly fighting my depression without the help I need which means in the end my quality of life is coloured by it to a point it can be living hell with only escape being next to useless Health Service who really do nothing for you!

What makes this whole situation worse if I were suffering Cancer or other Physical illness here in United Kingdom I would have all the help, including financial, to live and even work. This sort of says everything about modern British Society who are still afraid of Mental illness.

In the end people like myself and my partner feel like outsiders and scroungers in our own society because we ask for help because of our Depression because we dared to have a mental illness which is robbing us of our lives and humanity!

Depression is the Result of Guilt: The Christian View

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This has to be strangest view some people within the Christian Community that Depression is caused by someone who is full of guilt which causes their depression. Frankly it shows a complete lack of understanding both Depression and Human Condition in general. I like to know just how these people in question came up with this conclusion!

I have to inform them any guilt associated with Depression is because of the depression itself not the cause of the depression it is one of the major feelings you get because of the depression.

It has to be said these people are frankly wrong and rather than helping people suffering Depression they continue to propagate the myths and misconceptions which surround Depression. In addition it really shows a total lack of understanding of the Human Condition and very unhealthy belief in the words of the Bible on these people part.

Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.

Myths and Misconceptions About Depression!

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This is sort of a personal journal entry sort of triggered by two other people’s blog entries which claimed depression is a myth or depression is the result of personal guilt, this from someone with a religious bent.

I have to disagree with the both of them as depression is a real illness which effects a large proportion of the population plus it shows a denial on these people’s part what depression exactly is. They perpetuate both misconceptions and prejudices against depression which has lead to lack of understanding of depression both from within and outside of the medical profession.

The greatest problem of people who suffer mental illness, including depression, is lack of understanding from the people around them and lack of real and productive research by the medical profession itself who do not take mental illness seriously even now!

It is high time society in general started to treat mental illnesses with the same seriousness as physical illnesses like cancer and stop trying to sweep the problem under the carpet with their baseless prejudices.

Mental illness exists and blights a large number of people who have to suffer alone because of peoples attitude towards them and their mental illness. Even now people show a fear and prejudice towards such people which shows a great lack of basic humanity and allowing unfounded fears to colour their reactions to people with mental illness.

Saying all this there are those people who cynically use depression as an excuse to be for their antisocial behaviours, like drinking too much or taking drugs, or not to work because they are ill. Frankly they do a disservice to real depression suffers as they perpetuate myths about depression. Basically what they are doing is immoral as a large majority of people who suffer depression can still lead relatively normal lives and be very productive at work and do!

In my own case from my personal experience of depression and the fact that every time I come off my antidepressants I quickly fall back into a depression it really starting to look my depression being not a pure mental illness but has a large physical component. The antidepressants I take are SSI antidepressants which block my brains uptake of Serotonin in my brain which effectively stops me falling back into a depression.

So in my case my depression may have been triggered by events early in my life which effected by mental imbalance but now is not a true mental illness but a physical problem inside my brain so I am starting to question if it is now a true mental illness as it looks like I may have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life to keep me from falling back into depression.

In conclusion we as a society and as people have to treat mental illness with far more compassion and humanity and some people to stop using it as excuse not to work or for flaws in their characters. In addition in the case of depression it is being over simplified as a pure mental illness it may well also have a physical side which needs to be looked into sooner than later.

Please note: If want to see my second life journal then go to the Journal of a Spectral Traveller.


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