Depression: The Robber Who Takes the Person Inside!

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I went to a therapy session yesterday to do with my depression and it’s cure which got me thinking of the effect the depression has had on me!

In so much it has robbed me of my personal opinions including political and social opinions as at the height of my depression I would state an opinion but could not back it up with consistent argument or allowed people to talk me out of my opinions. This has occurred since my 20s so for a large majority of my life I have had no real personal, social or political views of my own basically I was not a real person as I lacked something everyone else has.

This has only become very apparent this time I am fighting my depression which finally got me thinking about things including politics and society in general and finally start to form opinions of my own and to back them up with consistent argument and strength of character to be true to the opinions.

This is revaluation personally as I start to feel I am real whole person its highlights just how the depression had robbed me of the person inside me. It does feel that the depression had robbed me of myself but now I am coming out of my depression it is finally nice to start to become the person I want to be not the person the depression wanted me to become.

Strangely I am not resentful about the fact the depression had robbed me of my life but I am more thankful that coming out of my depression I am becoming the person I always wanted to be even if it is some 30 years later than most people!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Depression: Creativeness Was Yet Another Wall!

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What has become very clear in my own mind through short time I have taken the therapy to do with my depression it that in my case and suspect others that the claim depression was closely linked with someone creativeness is clearly wrong.

In so much during the discussion it became very clear that the creativeness was both yet another wall against the world and scream for help. But the creativeness as not necessarily directly connected to the depression itself as if you think about it if it was as you come out of the depression you would lose your creativeness.

But from personal experience this is not the case if any thing my own creativeness which I had at the height of my depression is coming back and if anything it is stronger now as I start to become more of a person not coloured by my depression.

Though what I will say during depression some sorts of creativeness do serve some therapeutic benefits especially writing as it can release trapped feelings inside which have been trapped inside because of the depression. This is very beneficial for someone who has depression and I have always used it to help me to cope and live with my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Depression: Living in Fear!

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The one thing depression did to me at it height of its hold on me in my younger days it forced me to live a life of fear of almost everything. The most debilitating fear being the fear to actually have a life itself!

My whole live was coloured by the fears created by my depression to a point I could not function as a human being in so much I’d never say no, do anything new just in case I’d fail or be laughed at and the worse I was afraid that I end up alone so I had to like everyone even if I disliked the person in question.

All made worse I was so afraid I could not even have opinions or beliefs of my own just in case I upset someone else even to a point I end up agreeing with people about things which were against my own view o the world and morals.

All this was very soul destroying and helped to destroy who I was and could be.

But since I finally did something about my depression this fear has melted away leaving only the normal fear everyone has not the unfounded fears the depression gave me. Also I have finally stopped being afraid to voice my opinions even back them up with thought out arguments and most most of all not to be afraid to be wrong and admit when I am!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

I Am Mr Nobody Sometimes!

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Just sometimes my depression robs me of my own identity and feeing of actually feeling like a human being to a point I am nobody. Though this not helped by the fact that people define me by what I do or where I come from rather than me myself.

This is done in an unthinking manor by people around me because our modern culture has gone backwards in so much the way of defining people by their age, profession and nationality especially within the media in general.

But this does have effect on people like myself who suffer depression in so much at the height of our depressions things like age, professions and nationality really have little meaning as the depression lock ourselves inside ourselves. This means such definitions are remote and unreal things to the suffer of depression so it further disconnects them from the world around them.

In the end it can make the person who has depression feel like a Mr Nobody and unimportant because such concepts are so remote from the core of themselves.

There is an irony to this as the person learns to live with their depression things like age, profession and nationality become unimportant again because as the person suffering depression comes out of it they gain a very firm idea of who they are and figure out it is more important to define themselves by themselves rather than unimportant things like age and the such!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Robin Williams Death is a Reminder!

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The death of Robin Williams may be a very sad thing but it is also a reminder of how depression can effect it suffers and even in extreme cases the suffer feels the need to take their lives because the illness has made them feel so hopeless regardless of their circumstances that surround them.

I know there will be those out there who will say Robin Williams is both a coward and selfish because he committed suicide because of the effect his death will have on those around him but these people have totally failed to understand that depression is an illness.

That it is an illness which makes no sense to those who have never suffered it effects or had to live with it constantly. It takes so much away from the suffer even the will to live, enjoy life even to a point the suffer can look so normal and happy on the outside while full of self doubt, loathing and even hating themselves inside. It is illness which robs it’s suffer of their confidence, self esteem even lose the ability to relate to those around them.

Though it does have another side in so much it can make the person very manic, creative even funny because of the constant mental pain they suffer. This all heightened by the fact people with depression, especially when they are fighting their depression, learn far more about themselves and how their mind works because the suffer has to to learn how to control or live with their depression.

Robin Williams death is sad but as someone who also suffers depression, be it much milder, reminds me of just how a ruthless and insidious illness depression can be to it suffer.

I do not think Robin Williams was a coward or selfish committing suicide if anything it takes a lot of courage to take your life even in the fit of depression and highlights just how strong people suffering depression can be compared to those who do not. I am sad that the illness took him from us as we may of lost a man suffering inside but we also lost a comedic talent who brought both light and laughter to a world which could do with more.

As I final comment even at the height of my depression I myself thought I had nothing to live for and wanted to die in my sleeps so I would not have to face the world again because my depression had painted such a dark picture of my life and convinced me I was a failure. But I never got so down that I could actually take my life though at times I would of welcomed death which in itself is a scary thought.

For those of you who have never suffered depression I doubt if you will ever really understand these feeling or why they occur.

So I wish Robin Williams a good bye and thank you for all the light you brought to the world!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Getting to Know Myself!

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The one thing that has come out from my journey out of my depression and to a point when eventually I have learnt to truly live with it is that I have had to go through a process of discovering myself and know what makes me tick. Though the process will always will be an ongoing process as I change in the coming years.

All this is because as I have journeyed out of my longest down which has coloured most of my adult life. During this journey I have had to face my demons, my own weaknesses even accept the fact that I am lot more intelligent and talented than I think I am. This last sounds very odd to someone who has never suffered depression but it does rob you of your basic self belief.

But this journey has meant I have got to know myself, the way I think, my true dislikes and likes and finally my motivations all of which have been hidden even from myself because of my depression. These were also coloured by my anger and frustration the depression which resulted from the fact I was both closed off from the world around me and myself.

So now I can do something I should of done when I was much younger and truly discover myself and grow up intellectually in so much I have the confidence and believe in myself to hold real opinions and views of the world including political and religious.

This sounds odd when my depression was at its height I never had any opinions of my own even political because I did not have confidence or self belief and most of all I lived in fear of life itself.

Some people will say it is too late at my age to start to learn about myself and even grow up as a person but I will point out it is never too late for anyone and process which never stops our whole life. Those who think we stop growing up when we reach adulthood show a lack of understanding of life itself was we have to constantly change and grow as we go through our lives.

So now I am finally having the pleasure of getting to know myself something I am glad to finally do even at my age!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Bee in My Bonnet!

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At the moment I have a real bee in my bonnet over my creativity or lack of it.

I suspect it is part of my recovery from my current down and part of me I think has always been a part of me and my personality something which in my teenage years was drummed out of me by those people around me who far from encouraged it if anything helped to suppress it by making me feel so small for just having a creative streak.

I know this really sounds like I am blaming everyone else for destruction of my creativity but I am not as such but I am saying those around me coloured my self image and esteem so badly it has always coloured my life.

Plus what I am not saying I am good or fantastic at being creative and I certainly do not have an overblown blown up sense of my creativity but what I have is a need to be creative be it in a Role-Playing Game, drawing maps even writing computer code to create something even if it a piece of software.

But one thing I have learnt as I have gone through fighting my depression a lot about myself and how I work inside. One thing which has come out is I love to be creative even if what I produce is not world class but the process of being creative gives much pleasure.

I forgive those who in my early days tried to suppress me because they feared me because I always seamed to follow my own path as in the end they did not succeed as what everyone would call my twilight I am finding my creativity and the joy of it again.

I don’t think it is ever too late to find myself again along with my creativity as it would have been worse if I allowed myself to fall back in to my depression and done nothing about it!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

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