Robin Williams Death is a Reminder!

Leave a comment

The death of Robin Williams may be a very sad thing but it is also a reminder of how depression can effect it suffers and even in extreme cases the suffer feels the need to take their lives because the illness has made them feel so hopeless regardless of their circumstances that surround them.

I know there will be those out there who will say Robin Williams is both a coward and selfish because he committed suicide because of the effect his death will have on those around him but these people have totally failed to understand that depression is an illness.

That it is an illness which makes no sense to those who have never suffered it effects or had to live with it constantly. It takes so much away from the suffer even the will to live, enjoy life even to a point the suffer can look so normal and happy on the outside while full of self doubt, loathing and even hating themselves inside. It is illness which robs it’s suffer of their confidence, self esteem even lose the ability to relate to those around them.

Though it does have another side in so much it can make the person very manic, creative even funny because of the constant mental pain they suffer. This all heightened by the fact people with depression, especially when they are fighting their depression, learn far more about themselves and how their mind works because the suffer has to to learn how to control or live with their depression.

Robin Williams death is sad but as someone who also suffers depression, be it much milder, reminds me of just how a ruthless and insidious illness depression can be to it suffer.

I do not think Robin Williams was a coward or selfish committing suicide if anything it takes a lot of courage to take your life even in the fit of depression and highlights just how strong people suffering depression can be compared to those who do not. I am sad that the illness took him from us as we may of lost a man suffering inside but we also lost a comedic talent who brought both light and laughter to a world which could do with more.

As I final comment even at the height of my depression I myself thought I had nothing to live for and wanted to die in my sleeps so I would not have to face the world again because my depression had painted such a dark picture of my life and convinced me I was a failure. But I never got so down that I could actually take my life though at times I would of welcomed death which in itself is a scary thought.

For those of you who have never suffered depression I doubt if you will ever really understand these feeling or why they occur.

So I wish Robin Williams a good bye and thank you for all the light you brought to the world!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Getting to Know Myself!

Leave a comment

The one thing that has come out from my journey out of my depression and to a point when eventually I have learnt to truly live with it is that I have had to go through a process of discovering myself and know what makes me tick. Though the process will always will be an ongoing process as I change in the coming years.

All this is because as I have journeyed out of my longest down which has coloured most of my adult life. During this journey I have had to face my demons, my own weaknesses even accept the fact that I am lot more intelligent and talented than I think I am. This last sounds very odd to someone who has never suffered depression but it does rob you of your basic self belief.

But this journey has meant I have got to know myself, the way I think, my true dislikes and likes and finally my motivations all of which have been hidden even from myself because of my depression. These were also coloured by my anger and frustration the depression which resulted from the fact I was both closed off from the world around me and myself.

So now I can do something I should of done when I was much younger and truly discover myself and grow up intellectually in so much I have the confidence and believe in myself to hold real opinions and views of the world including political and religious.

This sounds odd when my depression was at its height I never had any opinions of my own even political because I did not have confidence or self belief and most of all I lived in fear of life itself.

Some people will say it is too late at my age to start to learn about myself and even grow up as a person but I will point out it is never too late for anyone and process which never stops our whole life. Those who think we stop growing up when we reach adulthood show a lack of understanding of life itself was we have to constantly change and grow as we go through our lives.

So now I am finally having the pleasure of getting to know myself something I am glad to finally do even at my age!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Bee in My Bonnet!

Leave a comment

At the moment I have a real bee in my bonnet over my creativity or lack of it.

I suspect it is part of my recovery from my current down and part of me I think has always been a part of me and my personality something which in my teenage years was drummed out of me by those people around me who far from encouraged it if anything helped to suppress it by making me feel so small for just having a creative streak.

I know this really sounds like I am blaming everyone else for destruction of my creativity but I am not as such but I am saying those around me coloured my self image and esteem so badly it has always coloured my life.

Plus what I am not saying I am good or fantastic at being creative and I certainly do not have an overblown blown up sense of my creativity but what I have is a need to be creative be it in a Role-Playing Game, drawing maps even writing computer code to create something even if it a piece of software.

But one thing I have learnt as I have gone through fighting my depression a lot about myself and how I work inside. One thing which has come out is I love to be creative even if what I produce is not world class but the process of being creative gives much pleasure.

I forgive those who in my early days tried to suppress me because they feared me because I always seamed to follow my own path as in the end they did not succeed as what everyone would call my twilight I am finding my creativity and the joy of it again.

I don’t think it is ever too late to find myself again along with my creativity as it would have been worse if I allowed myself to fall back in to my depression and done nothing about it!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Good Bye to Mr Angry!

Leave a comment

As once again I come out of a long down caused by my depression the one thing this time I am noticing is the passing of the constant anger about things a lot of which I had no control over or such trivial matters they really were not worth the effort in the first place.

This does not mean I now do not get angry or annoyed with things but now I am starting to take things in to perspective and not turn the anger and annoyances into obsessive thoughts which I could not let go. Also I am still passionately hate and get angry over things but at least now I let go of the such feeling quickly when they surface.

All in all it has meant my life for both myself and others around me has been a lot easier recently as such pointless anger can make life so much harder for everyone and most definitely caused by the depression itself.

Anger has always been part of my downs of my depression where it comes from I still not do not totally understand but it is part of my downs of my depression and always has been. I suspect it comes from the sense of isolation and feeling uselessness I always get when in a down.

But as always it is always pleasant when Mr Angry has gone as my mind is a lot quieter without angry obsessive thoughts so I can start to focus on other things which slowly come back as I come back out of my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

All That is Left of Me!

Leave a comment

At the moment all that is left of me and myself are my blogs, writing and musings here. It really feels like currently that my life is empty and hollow not helped by a feeling of being lost and detached with the world around me.

It feels like that world around me has leached all that once made me what I am. That is my creativity, imagination and love of a life which was never that exciting but interesting.

Worse still the general apathy, conformity and self centred people which surround me have eroded any confidence I had to be different and an individual to a point all I want to do is drift through a life because I am too tired to fight any more.

So all that is left of me is a hollow husk with someone screaming with frustration and anger deep within it!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Depression: The Sneak Thief!

Leave a comment

At the moment life in the new house is going better than we expected though still a little difficult because of the fact we have moved home with all the upheavals that causes. There are always a number of niggling problems which are far from insurmountable and with a little work will be eventually solved but life is finally more settled for everyone in the new house.

But my depression currently is making feel as if everything is wrong and the problems are major ones which are going bring us down. On top of which I am starting to worry about things which may or may not happen as if I am almost willing something bad to happen to bring everything crashing to the ground again.

It not to say that will not happen as we have no real control over such things but someone who is not suffering depression would not worry about such things because they have no real control over it.

My depression currently is being a sneak thief taking those positive and settled feelings I should have about where I am currently in my life in so much we are finally living within our means and we finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

All it leaves in it’s place is feelings of worry and anxiety over things which I have no real need to worry about, sometimes depression can be a difficult thing to live with!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Depression: Robber of the Tongue!

Leave a comment

It always creeps up on me the one effect my depression has on me in so much I stop talking or making an effort to talk to friends. Always for the same reason too, that is I think that they will not want to talk to me or even listen to me.

So in the end I always end up in a self imposed isolation which always makes me feel lonely and unloved especially when my friends are concerned. All not helped by the fact I cannot break the cycle so I slowly drift away from friends over the years.

This is one of the most insidious thing my depression does to me and those who like me suffer even a mild depression. At a time we need someone to talk to we push everyone away because we think no one wants to know us!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal journal of mine just follow the link to Acta Spiritu Amisso.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 202 other followers