Bee in My Bonnet!

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At the moment I have a real bee in my bonnet over my creativity or lack of it.

I suspect it is part of my recovery from my current down and part of me I think has always been a part of me and my personality something which in my teenage years was drummed out of me by those people around me who far from encouraged it if anything helped to suppress it by making me feel so small for just having a creative streak.

I know this really sounds like I am blaming everyone else for destruction of my creativity but I am not as such but I am saying those around me coloured my self image and esteem so badly it has always coloured my life.

Plus what I am not saying I am good or fantastic at being creative and I certainly do not have an overblown blown up sense of my creativity but what I have is a need to be creative be it in a Role-Playing Game, drawing maps even writing computer code to create something even if it a piece of software.

But one thing I have learnt as I have gone through fighting my depression a lot about myself and how I work inside. One thing which has come out is I love to be creative even if what I produce is not world class but the process of being creative gives much pleasure.

I forgive those who in my early days tried to suppress me because they feared me because I always seamed to follow my own path as in the end they did not succeed as what everyone would call my twilight I am finding my creativity and the joy of it again.

I don’t think it is ever too late to find myself again along with my creativity as it would have been worse if I allowed myself to fall back in to my depression and done nothing about it!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXVI

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So far having a quiet week though currently even with my anti-depressants there is the usual underlying problems with my depression causing me to get very irritable with the people around me especially those I believe are causing me and others true problems especially at work.

Though currently what really does not help my mood I am very disappointed with some people around me because of their behaviour and attitudes which frankly stink in my personal opinion. I may not able to do anything about their attitude but I can show my displeasure and dislike of their attitudes. Sadly it will not change anything but their attitude and actions will catch them up and I will get the pleasure of say I told you so.

This morning has been one of those days when I stop fighting my depression in so much it is currently waking me up before I need to in the morning after which results in me lying in bed worrying about things and the fact I cannot sleep so today I have got up. It seams to have worked as I’ve got up and not worrying about things and discovered I have had enough sleep.

Once again a week has been a long time in my depression again with my mood turning down again though currently the mood swings are lot less pronounced so not as bad as it was a month ago so things are getting better for me.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXV

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I managed to survive the 7 day run of shifts without getting overly stressed by the long run of shifts but at the end the fatigue and heat within the store did catch me up slightly. It did mean I had a day of feeling light headed and dizzy especially when I bent down to do something.

But at least today I have managed to rest and recuperate so starting to feel a bit better all helped by the weather, especially this evening, being noticeably cooler giving me a chance to feel a lot more comfortable than yesterday.

We did not go shopping today but I did manage to get some chores done and amazingly some blogging done one of the entries I have been thinking about for over a week. Now I am complaining a quiet evening ahead in front of the television watching the crime series on the Quest Channel here.

I know this sounds very mundane and if anything a bit boring but at the moment both are needed as I am coming out of yet another depression as it switches my mind off things which could cause me problems later.

Only downer of the whole week is just how flat work has felt after a storming week before which has disappointed me as it was such good week. Though as per usual I am expecting a lot out of the people around me and sadly as usual they disappoint me. One day I will get over this as I should remember not everyone around me cares about things as much as I do.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Fun With Cultural Differences!

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I think this has to be said to clear some cultural differences between the United Kingdom and United States especially over the use of the terms Republican and Liberal in politics. This in a hope that some Americans do not get the wrong idea of my political views and stance.

So here we go to clear some misconception with those people across the big pond.

Here in the United Kingdom a Republican is not a major right wing political party, though it is a minor political party, but some one who wants to turn the United Kingdom into a Republic that is remove the Queen as the head of state and replace her with an elected President. It is an anti-Royalist stance as some citizens of the United Kingdom are frankly fed up with some their taxes being given to a Royal family whose existence is now in question in a modern country and they think the taxes could be better spent elsewhere as President would be cheaper option.

One interesting thing until a few decades ago to talk about a Republic in the United Kingdom was treason and you could be arrested for believing and even talking about a Republic. But now we can talk about it openly which is most definitely a step forward. There is even now a Democratic Republican Party here now in the United Kingdom but it is still a very minor political party.

Now we come to the biggest bugbear between the United States and United Kingdom the use of the term Liberal which definitely has two different meanings with ours in the United Kingdom being the oldest definition!

Here a Liberal is not a left wing or a communist or even a socialist but a political party which dates back to the early days of Parliament itself here in the United Kingdom. Yes, I will admit the Liberal are more left wing than the Conservatives here but they represent the middle of the road of politics which has always had it’s base in the South West of England.

Over the years the name of the Liberal Party has changed especially after a merger with the SDP party in the 1980s after which the party name was changed to the Liberal Democrats but basically the stance of the party remained the same.

What I think most American miss in our politics here is that our politics here does have a true left wing in the from of the Labour Party, though now they have sold out their left wing politics for votes but still represent the workers and Unions here in the United Kingdom. Plus we also do have real left-wing parties who stand in our General Elections which include the Communist and Socialist Parties.

This one of my pet hates with a large minority of the people from United States as they assume that when I use terms like Liberal or Republic they mean the exactly the same as in the United States but I will reiterate to these people there they do not mean the same.

All this goes to show there are those in the United States who have a cultural laziness to assume we here in the United Kingdom have the same culture as they do which is simply not true. As an Englishman I find this very offensive as after all I have taken the time to understand that the culture of United States is different to ours here which is definitely a very good thing!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Blogging is Good For The Soul!

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The one thing has become very clear as I have blogged over the years is that it has certainly helped with my depression rather than hindered it. That is it has helped me to get certain feelings including anger and frustrations out of my mind into a written form which has enabled me to release such feeling from my mind where they would of just gone around and around.

This for anyone who has ever suffered depression is very therapeutic as such circular thinking can cause a lot of problems with depression itself which always ends up with obsessive thoughts and turning what is a trivial matter into something which frankly was never important in the first place.

So for me my blogging has always released these thoughts making me feel much better in my self and means I can move forward rather than backwards as my depression would like me to do.

It also had a very pleasant side effect too as it has also boosted my self confidence and believe in myself and released a creative side which I believed I never had though it is still a bit rough and in the past was suppressed both by my depression and those around me who went out of their way to bully it out of me!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIV

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This week may be a 7 day run of shifts but unlike a few months ago it is now only a minor annoyance which can be worked around rather than moaned at. As I have said before what a change a few months can make especially when I am doing something about my depression yet again.

Work is also going so much better now the depression is not colouring my views of it something a lot of people on certain social web sites and around me missed. In so much I was moaning because of the depression not because of the job which to be frank is still underpaid and it does have a few things I rather not have to deal with but it is a job I can do standing on my head.

One thing I will say I may be good at dealing with people at work but the job itself both intellectually and creativity is not stimulating enough to tax me something I now need in a job which hopefully when I start to feel better I can look for again.

It seams at the moment I have thing for being creative again something which I never regarded myself as because of a lack of confidence and self-esteem which I can put down to my early years of my life at school which knocked it out of me.

But from some people around me and those on a number of social web sites comments it seams I am far more creative than I think I am it a bit rough especially with the writing down of my thoughts but if I continue along this path this will get better with practice.

So life could be taking a new path for me if I want it to but it is now matter of being brave enough to take the plunge to chance for once and for all time!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Good Bye to Mr Angry!

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As once again I come out of a long down caused by my depression the one thing this time I am noticing is the passing of the constant anger about things a lot of which I had no control over or such trivial matters they really were not worth the effort in the first place.

This does not mean I now do not get angry or annoyed with things but now I am starting to take things in to perspective and not turn the anger and annoyances into obsessive thoughts which I could not let go. Also I am still passionately hate and get angry over things but at least now I let go of the such feeling quickly when they surface.

All in all it has meant my life for both myself and others around me has been a lot easier recently as such pointless anger can make life so much harder for everyone and most definitely caused by the depression itself.

Anger has always been part of my downs of my depression where it comes from I still not do not totally understand but it is part of my downs of my depression and always has been. I suspect it comes from the sense of isolation and feeling uselessness I always get when in a down.

But as always it is always pleasant when Mr Angry has gone as my mind is a lot quieter without angry obsessive thoughts so I can start to focus on other things which slowly come back as I come back out of my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

A Thought On Being Unique!

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It is good to be unique and an individual but it is even better being unique and an individual with social conscience and thought for others!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

My Republican Feelings Are On The Rise!

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As I get more and more disillusioned with the British Establishment as a whole as it gets more and more remote from the people it once served and includes both our Parliament and Royal Family the more my Republican feelings increase!

This is at total variance to how I was brought up which was with a respect of the Royal Family and the Queen herself but over the years both the various scandals surrounding the Royals themselves and the fact they are the figurehead of an establishment which has cared less and less for the people it serves, I have started to turn away from them and question their very existence and importance to the country.

I am slowly coming to conclusion for this country to move forward into a new brighter future we need to get rid of both the establishment and the Royal family themselves as both under the pretence of representing a British Tradition which represents a long gone Empire and way of life which frankly has no real place in our modern United Kingdom.

If anyone has actually been watching what has been happing in the United Kingdom would of noticed that as a nation we have become a multi-cultural, a multi-faith and remarkably tolerant nation.

But this is tempered by an establishment and Royals who still represent a United Kingdom which is still Christian and very British to a point that there are still some within the establishment who believe we have empire and demand respect from the rest of the world because we are British.

Then we wonder why our whole establishment including Parliament is so out of step with the rest of the United Kingdom as it simply does not have the same views as the country it now represents. Add to this it has become a self serving and self perpetuating system which clings to out dated even archaic traditions because the people within it are too afraid, too greedy and still drunk with the power the establishment gives them even at the cost of the United Kingdom and it’s people future.

I have always been of the view it is time we as a people took steps to remove those within the establishment who have been holding our country back from a brighter future and locked in a past which has long gone or should have been long gone.

And the best start of this change is to finally remove the Queen and Royal family from power and declare a Republic in doing so removing the figurehead of the establishment forcing them to change of be next.

As a final note if I wrote this blog entry some decade ago about the Republic here in United Kingdom I could have been arrested as it was illegal to have such sentiments here in the United Kingdom!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIII

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Well it is amazing what a difference a week will make in my life especially when I am slowly coming out of a depression yet again on anti-depressants in so much work has stopped being a major problem bar usual moans at those who really do not care and life is generally starting to get easier for me.

Though there is still some way to go before I really start to become what is a so called normal person but as always it will be with my own unique slant to it as always. There are still a number of major issues I have to over come which include regaining a lost self-belief, confidence and get up and go all taken away from me by the last long down of my depression.

Add to this the fact that I am hardest on myself especially when I am not as creative as I think which successfully stops me being creative in the end. So much like sleeping I have to learn not to worry when I am not creative as like sleep it will eventually come back with a vengeance.

This has all been done with anti-depressants and start of talking therapy but it’s still going to be a rocky road back to a more dynamic and human be so watch this space!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXII

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Well it is nice to have a slow Sunday all helped by the fact the day was a lot cooler than yesterday. It has mean I have managed to actually do something constructive including some long overdue chores along with some blogging.

If anything it has been what I call a normal day something I have not had in a long time in so much it has been a quiet day with little and no anger on my part even with Ollie the dog being little annoying by bringing in half the garden because it was funny.

As before I am getting used to a quiet mind again without the constant obsessive thoughts which went around my mind when I am feeling down. It’s nice pleasant feeling as I can finally start to think of more constructive things once again though I currently have to get past the feeling sleepy and useless stage of my recovery of my depression.

I need more days like today so I start to feel human again and start to look forward to real future not the hopeless future I thought I had a few months ago.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

I Am Not a Radical!

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Some of the things I say in my journal here may seam a bit radical and extreme to some people but it is not what I am.

In truth I am someone who is getting more and more frustrated with the modern world, not because I growing older, but because no one really learns anything new or moves forward any more. Something as I get older is getting worse rather than better because I am slowing growing more disillusioned and unhappy with the way the world around me works currently.

I have kept quiet too long because of my depression robbing of the confidence of actually standing up and saying something because I lacked the confidence to speak out so as I grow older to make up for this I am starting to be more vocal about what I see is wrong with the world around me.

But if someone calls me a radical because I now have the confidence to speak out so be it as I rather be classed as radical than sit silently and suffer like a lot of people around me do!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Sooner a Revolution Comes the Better!

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More and more I observe this modern world of ours we have created the more and more I get disillusioned and angry of the world we have all collectively built.

It’s not the utopia we and our forefathers were lead to believe with the advent of new technologies but a hard edged world which glorifiers the individual, triviality and money above anything else. A world where business and making money has pushed aside the basic humanity from the poor who have to do anything to survive to the rich in their ivory towers.

The world we have created for ourselves is no better than it was in Victorian times even the Dark Ages of Europe which massive inequalities, open bigotry and an over class who want to rule an oppressed underclass.

All supported by governments who serve the new over class rather than the people that actually voted them in which the politicians making all the right noises to the electorate but getting ever fatter off the new over class. All supported by media which spread misinformation to blatant lies how bad the world is to scare people into line strangely owned by the new over class.

What is worse the general populous of the world, especially in the West, know this is going on with few vocal few pointing it out but they seam happy or too lazy to do anything as lot of the time they have actually fell for the media’s manipulation. All not helped by this sense of individualism and basic need to survive which means as long as they are all right jack the world can screw itself even if it is at the subtle eroding of their hard won freedoms.

We as a world are coming out of an economic crash caused by the incompetence and criminal mismanagement of the banking systems in the West especially in the United States but have we learn anything from it and have those who caused the problems been punished?

The answer is no they are still in same positions within the Banks, other financial businesses and even in government doing exactly the same as they did before and as rich and powerful as they were before the economic crash they caused. They will create an economic boom which will be a fragile as the last economic boom in the 1990s which because of it’s foundations is almost doomed to end in yet another economic crash this time could be of an even more monumental scale!

Eventually things should not of stayed the same after the economic crash we should as a whole done something as a society to change things as in Iceland those responsible should have been brought to justice and the whole way Western Capitalism worked should have been brought under the spotlight and both reformed and its act cleaned up.

As I said it is getting a time we need to change things as currently our modern world is doomed for collapse in a spectacular way under it’s own weight, apathy and stagnation. What will be left will not be a pleasant world to live in if there is still a world left that is.

All this is a very stark view of the world but it need to be to get people really thing about the world around them before it is too late plus remind them that we can actually do something about it as what has been shown from recent history that normal people can change the world peacefully and without wars.

As I said at the start sooner a revolution comes the better even if this revolution is just a basic change of how we think and view about the world around us as thing have to change befoe it is too late!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXI

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This week has been one first few weeks recently when I have not been too worried about work and life in general all thanks to me doing something about my depression yet again. This even with the problems Microsoft caused me last week with my web sites which is resolving itself in a better way than I expected.

So all in all I am starting to find loft a little more bearable currently al helped by my partner coming back from a 3 weeks in the United States to see a friend and give her a very nice birthday surprise. I’m even starting to enjoy work again and becoming even more productive and relaxed especially with certain members of management. Though I still have some problems with certain colleagues at work but I am getting some comfort they will drop themselves deep in it and now only a matter of time.

As for the rest of my life I am slowly getting back to blogging and rebuilding my small social web site to be a more open social network but still centred around my friends and people I like to keep in contact with. Plus I am keeping myself occupied and creative by starting to sketch fantasy maps to spark off my creativity in the Role-Playing department.

I have to smile over the past few weeks this journal’s mood has bounced around reflecting my moods but that all come with suffering with depression which can mean extreme mood swings especially in my case.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXX

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Thanks to Microsoft’s actions in the United States with noip.com which directly effected me by taking down my web sites for most of the week I have once again been fighting a down caused by the upset and potential loss of over a years work.

In the end Microsoft had to give back what they took from noip.com back which meant that large majority of web sites where back again though thanks to Microsoft my cloud now has a problem and they successfully destroyed by small social web site.

It also meant I nearly gave up everything including writing this journal to a point I was seriously going to delete it and all my presence on the internet. It had disheartened me that much to a point it has taken over a week to get back in front of a computer and start writing my journals again.

It certainly has not been a good week for me though in the end I learnt something new and ended up even more determined to start to speak even more openly against Microsoft’s over inflated domination of the computer market to its detriment. Also to promote even more vigorously Open Source software and it’s benefits to users in general.

Though I will have to change my job soon so there is no potential conflict at work with my views and comments to come!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

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