Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIV

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This week may be a 7 day run of shifts but unlike a few months ago it is now only a minor annoyance which can be worked around rather than moaned at. As I have said before what a change a few months can make especially when I am doing something about my depression yet again.

Work is also going so much better now the depression is not colouring my views of it something a lot of people on certain social web sites and around me missed. In so much I was moaning because of the depression not because of the job which to be frank is still underpaid and it does have a few things I rather not have to deal with but it is a job I can do standing on my head.

One thing I will say I may be good at dealing with people at work but the job itself both intellectually and creativity is not stimulating enough to tax me something I now need in a job which hopefully when I start to feel better I can look for again.

It seams at the moment I have thing for being creative again something which I never regarded myself as because of a lack of confidence and self-esteem which I can put down to my early years of my life at school which knocked it out of me.

But from some people around me and those on a number of social web sites comments it seams I am far more creative than I think I am it a bit rough especially with the writing down of my thoughts but if I continue along this path this will get better with practice.

So life could be taking a new path for me if I want it to but it is now matter of being brave enough to take the plunge to chance for once and for all time!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Good Bye to Mr Angry!

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As once again I come out of a long down caused by my depression the one thing this time I am noticing is the passing of the constant anger about things a lot of which I had no control over or such trivial matters they really were not worth the effort in the first place.

This does not mean I now do not get angry or annoyed with things but now I am starting to take things in to perspective and not turn the anger and annoyances into obsessive thoughts which I could not let go. Also I am still passionately hate and get angry over things but at least now I let go of the such feeling quickly when they surface.

All in all it has meant my life for both myself and others around me has been a lot easier recently as such pointless anger can make life so much harder for everyone and most definitely caused by the depression itself.

Anger has always been part of my downs of my depression where it comes from I still not do not totally understand but it is part of my downs of my depression and always has been. I suspect it comes from the sense of isolation and feeling uselessness I always get when in a down.

But as always it is always pleasant when Mr Angry has gone as my mind is a lot quieter without angry obsessive thoughts so I can start to focus on other things which slowly come back as I come back out of my depression.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

A Thought On Being Unique!

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It is good to be unique and an individual but it is even better being unique and an individual with social conscience and thought for others!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

My Republican Feelings Are On The Rise!

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As I get more and more disillusioned with the British Establishment as a whole as it gets more and more remote from the people it once served and includes both our Parliament and Royal Family the more my Republican feelings increase!

This is at total variance to how I was brought up which was with a respect of the Royal Family and the Queen herself but over the years both the various scandals surrounding the Royals themselves and the fact they are the figurehead of an establishment which has cared less and less for the people it serves, I have started to turn away from them and question their very existence and importance to the country.

I am slowly coming to conclusion for this country to move forward into a new brighter future we need to get rid of both the establishment and the Royal family themselves as both under the pretence of representing a British Tradition which represents a long gone Empire and way of life which frankly has no real place in our modern United Kingdom.

If anyone has actually been watching what has been happing in the United Kingdom would of noticed that as a nation we have become a multi-cultural, a multi-faith and remarkably tolerant nation.

But this is tempered by an establishment and Royals who still represent a United Kingdom which is still Christian and very British to a point that there are still some within the establishment who believe we have empire and demand respect from the rest of the world because we are British.

Then we wonder why our whole establishment including Parliament is so out of step with the rest of the United Kingdom as it simply does not have the same views as the country it now represents. Add to this it has become a self serving and self perpetuating system which clings to out dated even archaic traditions because the people within it are too afraid, too greedy and still drunk with the power the establishment gives them even at the cost of the United Kingdom and it’s people future.

I have always been of the view it is time we as a people took steps to remove those within the establishment who have been holding our country back from a brighter future and locked in a past which has long gone or should have been long gone.

And the best start of this change is to finally remove the Queen and Royal family from power and declare a Republic in doing so removing the figurehead of the establishment forcing them to change of be next.

As a final note if I wrote this blog entry some decade ago about the Republic here in United Kingdom I could have been arrested as it was illegal to have such sentiments here in the United Kingdom!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIII

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Well it is amazing what a difference a week will make in my life especially when I am slowly coming out of a depression yet again on anti-depressants in so much work has stopped being a major problem bar usual moans at those who really do not care and life is generally starting to get easier for me.

Though there is still some way to go before I really start to become what is a so called normal person but as always it will be with my own unique slant to it as always. There are still a number of major issues I have to over come which include regaining a lost self-belief, confidence and get up and go all taken away from me by the last long down of my depression.

Add to this the fact that I am hardest on myself especially when I am not as creative as I think which successfully stops me being creative in the end. So much like sleeping I have to learn not to worry when I am not creative as like sleep it will eventually come back with a vengeance.

This has all been done with anti-depressants and start of talking therapy but it’s still going to be a rocky road back to a more dynamic and human be so watch this space!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXII

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Well it is nice to have a slow Sunday all helped by the fact the day was a lot cooler than yesterday. It has mean I have managed to actually do something constructive including some long overdue chores along with some blogging.

If anything it has been what I call a normal day something I have not had in a long time in so much it has been a quiet day with little and no anger on my part even with Ollie the dog being little annoying by bringing in half the garden because it was funny.

As before I am getting used to a quiet mind again without the constant obsessive thoughts which went around my mind when I am feeling down. It’s nice pleasant feeling as I can finally start to think of more constructive things once again though I currently have to get past the feeling sleepy and useless stage of my recovery of my depression.

I need more days like today so I start to feel human again and start to look forward to real future not the hopeless future I thought I had a few months ago.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

I Am Not a Radical!

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Some of the things I say in my journal here may seam a bit radical and extreme to some people but it is not what I am.

In truth I am someone who is getting more and more frustrated with the modern world, not because I growing older, but because no one really learns anything new or moves forward any more. Something as I get older is getting worse rather than better because I am slowing growing more disillusioned and unhappy with the way the world around me works currently.

I have kept quiet too long because of my depression robbing of the confidence of actually standing up and saying something because I lacked the confidence to speak out so as I grow older to make up for this I am starting to be more vocal about what I see is wrong with the world around me.

But if someone calls me a radical because I now have the confidence to speak out so be it as I rather be classed as radical than sit silently and suffer like a lot of people around me do!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Sooner a Revolution Comes the Better!

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More and more I observe this modern world of ours we have created the more and more I get disillusioned and angry of the world we have all collectively built.

It’s not the utopia we and our forefathers were lead to believe with the advent of new technologies but a hard edged world which glorifiers the individual, triviality and money above anything else. A world where business and making money has pushed aside the basic humanity from the poor who have to do anything to survive to the rich in their ivory towers.

The world we have created for ourselves is no better than it was in Victorian times even the Dark Ages of Europe which massive inequalities, open bigotry and an over class who want to rule an oppressed underclass.

All supported by governments who serve the new over class rather than the people that actually voted them in which the politicians making all the right noises to the electorate but getting ever fatter off the new over class. All supported by media which spread misinformation to blatant lies how bad the world is to scare people into line strangely owned by the new over class.

What is worse the general populous of the world, especially in the West, know this is going on with few vocal few pointing it out but they seam happy or too lazy to do anything as lot of the time they have actually fell for the media’s manipulation. All not helped by this sense of individualism and basic need to survive which means as long as they are all right jack the world can screw itself even if it is at the subtle eroding of their hard won freedoms.

We as a world are coming out of an economic crash caused by the incompetence and criminal mismanagement of the banking systems in the West especially in the United States but have we learn anything from it and have those who caused the problems been punished?

The answer is no they are still in same positions within the Banks, other financial businesses and even in government doing exactly the same as they did before and as rich and powerful as they were before the economic crash they caused. They will create an economic boom which will be a fragile as the last economic boom in the 1990s which because of it’s foundations is almost doomed to end in yet another economic crash this time could be of an even more monumental scale!

Eventually things should not of stayed the same after the economic crash we should as a whole done something as a society to change things as in Iceland those responsible should have been brought to justice and the whole way Western Capitalism worked should have been brought under the spotlight and both reformed and its act cleaned up.

As I said it is getting a time we need to change things as currently our modern world is doomed for collapse in a spectacular way under it’s own weight, apathy and stagnation. What will be left will not be a pleasant world to live in if there is still a world left that is.

All this is a very stark view of the world but it need to be to get people really thing about the world around them before it is too late plus remind them that we can actually do something about it as what has been shown from recent history that normal people can change the world peacefully and without wars.

As I said at the start sooner a revolution comes the better even if this revolution is just a basic change of how we think and view about the world around us as thing have to change befoe it is too late!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXI

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This week has been one first few weeks recently when I have not been too worried about work and life in general all thanks to me doing something about my depression yet again. This even with the problems Microsoft caused me last week with my web sites which is resolving itself in a better way than I expected.

So all in all I am starting to find loft a little more bearable currently al helped by my partner coming back from a 3 weeks in the United States to see a friend and give her a very nice birthday surprise. I’m even starting to enjoy work again and becoming even more productive and relaxed especially with certain members of management. Though I still have some problems with certain colleagues at work but I am getting some comfort they will drop themselves deep in it and now only a matter of time.

As for the rest of my life I am slowly getting back to blogging and rebuilding my small social web site to be a more open social network but still centred around my friends and people I like to keep in contact with. Plus I am keeping myself occupied and creative by starting to sketch fantasy maps to spark off my creativity in the Role-Playing department.

I have to smile over the past few weeks this journal’s mood has bounced around reflecting my moods but that all come with suffering with depression which can mean extreme mood swings especially in my case.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: If you are interested in my small social network just follow the link to On the Other Side!.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXX

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Thanks to Microsoft’s actions in the United States with noip.com which directly effected me by taking down my web sites for most of the week I have once again been fighting a down caused by the upset and potential loss of over a years work.

In the end Microsoft had to give back what they took from noip.com back which meant that large majority of web sites where back again though thanks to Microsoft my cloud now has a problem and they successfully destroyed by small social web site.

It also meant I nearly gave up everything including writing this journal to a point I was seriously going to delete it and all my presence on the internet. It had disheartened me that much to a point it has taken over a week to get back in front of a computer and start writing my journals again.

It certainly has not been a good week for me though in the end I learnt something new and ended up even more determined to start to speak even more openly against Microsoft’s over inflated domination of the computer market to its detriment. Also to promote even more vigorously Open Source software and it’s benefits to users in general.

Though I will have to change my job soon so there is no potential conflict at work with my views and comments to come!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

A Mad World?

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If we totally believe the news being fed to us by the media in the West the world has gone mad and full of the evil of Islamic terrorists and groups who are so powerful the West is threatened by an invasion from the Middle East who will sweep away the Christians and start a new dark age!

But if you actually think about what is happening in the world and actually look back over the full history of humanity and considering over the last 50 years or so we have had peace especially here in Europe we have forgotten the simple fact that the world has always been like this.

One thing humanity seams to be very good at is fighting each other over our history and if we look back the current sectarian war in Iraq really nothing new as some 500 years ago we in Europe were at exactly the same sort of wars between Catholics and Protestants with same effects and loss of innocent lives.

But if we are to believe the media we are heading for a disaster of biblical proportions but you have to wonder why a Christian dominated West especially in United States are painting such a picture of the world?

It simple it is to distract the population from the fact that their own governments and corporations are failing both them and their economy. Add to this they are using the people’s fear to make them more compliant to their needs that is reduce their freedoms and allow the companies to get cheaper labour!

But as always people listen to the media in the West but do not question or actually look into what they are being told. As I said before who needs oppression when the population is so apathetic!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXIX

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After few weeks of taking the anti-depressants they are finally really to start to work removing all the obsessive thoughts and anger I constantly had about what was going to work on top of which I am starting to think more clearly even starting to feel creative again to a point I am starting to draw maps again.

I know I constantly start something and get halfway through it and stop as my mind wonders off especially when my depression was working over time but I expect that as my mind clears again I will start to regain my patience and willingness to complete the things. Lot of the problems I have had over the last year is the loss of confidence caused by the depression especially with thing I know and like doing.

So at the moment it is a matter of getting this confidence back again without dulling my creativity again on top of which I want my zest of creativity and for life in general to be back as the happiest of times were when I had these feelings.

I am starting to feel more settled and happier in a place which is a far better place than I was over a month ago so once again as I come out of this depression I will start to see the world, even at my age, a place of infinite opportunities and wonder!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Just Why Do We Still Define Ourselves By Our Job?

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What I still find fascinating people in our modern world still define themselves by their job all made stranger by the fact over our careers, unlike the past, we tend to have number of jobs. It did make more sense in the past as we tended to follow our fathers into their trade and with lack of a surname it made sense to use the person’s trade as a surname to distinguish between people.

But in the modern world, especially with faster and easier communication, and advent of surnames it makes less sense to me why people still define themselves by their trade or job. Though I suspect it’s because in our modern world, due to unnecessary pressures on life put on by governments and corporations, people live to work rather than work to live. That is they put their career and earning of money before themselves and family which has resulted in some problems in the fabric of our society.

Even I have fell into same trap in my 30s to a point work dominated my life at the expense to my personal life and hobbies which ended up with myself living to work rather than working to live.

But in later years, especially when I started to do something about my depression, I started to realise that this was not a healthy thing to do especially in a year I did not work at all because of my depression. I came to the conclusion it was better to define myself as me and the favourite things and interests as they defined me better than my job which has become now a means to earn money rather than my life.

In the end I have been more happier and comfortable with this new definition of myself as it is close to what defines me as my job does not define me any more.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

A Film Industry Lacking New Ideas!

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Most modern films now lack any real substance and attempt to blind their audiences with fancy visual effects in a flimsy attempting to hide this fact. This is also now true for television series, especially from the United States something we are constantly bombarded with here in the United Kingdom, which also wow their audiences with so called interesting contents but again if you stood back and actually looked hard and thought about the series themselves they really lack real substance or real story lines once again.

I know I may be a very fussy film and television viewer but I have lived long enough and watched enough films and television over the years to see the slow decline of the quality of both films and television programs even on the BBC itself. I doubt if I am not only one who has noticed this fact and I suspect I am not only one to notice that over the years money has become more important than the substance of the films and television programs themselves.

But it really shows our film and television industry in our modern world is flat and lacks any real new ideas which is shown by it constant output of remakes and sequels of both films and television series. It looks like the music industry both film and television industries really lack any new ideas and allowed money not new ideas run their industry so like the music industry their output quality has dropped to almost grossly dross.

What makes this all worse is the viewing public actually fall for this glossy film only looking at the visual effects almost ignoring the real lack of substance behind the films and television series themselves. It really says a lot for modern man who seams to have lost the basic love and need for good stories their ancestors had something which does not bode well for mankind in general.

It is as if the film and television industry is destroying by their focus on profits are destroying something basically human and cultural that is human skill and need for story telling. Something which has always been important to the development of our very cultures, beliefs and the oldest way man learnt new things. If we finally lose the basic ability to weave a story we will lose something which basically makes us human and closer to an automaton who just lives and works.

Though we can be hopeful that out of all this dross a few individuals within both the Film and Television Industry still produce good films which get people thinking and produce something has real story and plot.

Myself I am getting very disillusioned with a film and television industry which continually produces lack lustre films and series then being bombarded with them on the media especially from the United States. It also makes me very sad to see once great industry, much like Music Industry, dying on it feet and the fact people will not fight this decline but just be fooled by smoke and mirrors they put in front of them!

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

Journal of a Lost Soul Part CCCLXXIII

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I’ve survived a week at work without getting too annoyed with work and people around me which is no mean feat at the moment. Though this week will soon be spoilt by the return of one manager who really causes more problems than he solves and he will spoil the nice atmosphere at work currently for myself.

All this has been helped by the fact that I am on my anti-depressants which have settled me a bit though some behaviours connected to the depression are going on but hopefully actually seeing someone qualified in mental health over the next few weeks will start to solve the problem.

At the moment I am keeping my mind active messing around sketching map of which one will give me inspiration to do something. Nice to be sketching again as I may not be a good drawer but it is relaxing and very therapeutic to do something creative if a bit rough. Always helps to give me more ideas, inspiration and focus on something creative which is a nice feeling at the moment.

Please Note: If you are interested in a more personal scrapbook of mine just follow the link to Patterns in the Static!.

Please Note: If you are interested in my home page just follow the link to Experiment No. 3.

Please Note: I also have a small personal social network which is invitation only just follow the link to Luther’s Chosen Few.

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